Family dynamics

If I were you I would also consider whether I actually wanted to go on holiday with these people. I'm sure you'd have a much better time with just your DC.

It sounds utterly toxic for you and your children.

Choose yourself and choose peace.
Step away.

Hi op your mum is a bitch it sounds like they went and she told you to deliberately to upset you and that’s why she kept asking you she wanted you to be upset. Not sure of db and mum living together but you owe them a big fat zero your a grown woman if you ask and they won’t commit you just say ok I’m going anyway you need to put yourself first they don’t put you first. Op forget holidays with them make memories with your dc your mum sounds toxic and your db is obviously favourite dc and don’t feel guilt for doing things without them you have left home you have had children you don’t need there permission to do anything so don’t let them stop you doing things you want to do. Next time it’s an occasion and you want to invite them just say going to x on x day if you want to come if not that’s ok with me I don’t expect you to always do things with me. You are bigger than both of them selfish twits. Blood relatives aren’t always worth the time and worry.

Exactly. This unhealthy enmeshment isn’t doing you any favours.

Omg - these two are unreal!! How nasty and spiteful. Regardless if they are family - I would put in some huge boundaries and just start doing your own thing - if you don’t let them in they can’t manipulate you! They won’t like the change! You need to think of yourself and your kids - how dare they treat you all like that. No more!

You’re all far too tied up in each other’s lives. You need a little distance.

Very very very aware of the golden child and scapegoat theory! It’s totally that in my family 😂

Book the holiday. They aren't bothered about upsetting you. Don't let them stop you living your life. A message to say you are booking on Sunday so please let you know if they can make it by Saturday is sufficient. How could they be upset after that and if they are they are the unreasonable ones.

Youre NOT crazy that’s supposed to say 😂

You’re bit crazy.

and I understand.

I would love for you to go to that restaurant and post back here that you went.

Book the restaurant for your son's birthday. Don't invite them especially if they are going to expect you to cover the cost, cheeky sods. It seems like its all take, take there and they exclude you rather than reciprocate the cheapskates.

It might be too late to book the holiday you wanted to do, but its not necessarily too late to book anything. Involve your children, set a budget. If it's not enough then as a family work out how you will save for it to go anyway, or how they will save for holiday £. Maybe the restaurant waits until Christmas.

Again, don't say anything to your family. At all. They said not this year so take them at their word and so if it comes up and if there's comment, simply say that they explicitly said "maybe next year' so you got on with it. You have a 16 yr old, you're quite right that the clock is ticking on family holidays and make the most of it especially if your and presumably their lives have been blighted by DV. You completely deserve a holiday as a family.

The family dynamic and the DV is concerning. You need to practice a) insisting on boundaries and b) not giving a damn what someone says or thinks especially as in these examples it is utterly pathetic that they are getting their noses out of joint at you having any sort of life and not waiting around to be graced by their attention. You will be treated as you expect to be so please, please raise your expectations.

I can relate in a way to this family dynamics and I think you need to reframe your mindset a bit.
You mentioned a place and they went - it’s ok actually. They don’t invite you to go out with them. It’s a pity. Do as they did. If you fancy going somewhere just go with your kids.
If you want to invite your mum and brother for something invite specifically with a deadline and follow it eg would you go with us to pizza express for Jack’s birthday. I’m planning 17th at 1 pm. Let me know by Wednesday if you join us.
Text your brother separately and then follow up as you would with a friend. If not confirmed don’t book for them .
Do it a few times and you will notice the difference.

@BeRarePlumCrab Have some stock phrases ready when she starts her guilt tripping routine if she finds out you've been without her:

"Don't be silly" and laugh (the way she would say it to you)
"Oh no, have I upset you? Have I?" (with the same mock-concern she gives you and if she says yes, you've upset her - then say "Oh dear" and leave it at that)

A previous poster said to book and tell her you've booked for X dates and then it's up to her to join or not. That's a good idea. It takes away the 'waiting around' for them to make a decision.

You need to take charge and I also think you should tell yourself in the mirror EVERY DAY that you are:

STRONG
CAPABLE
AND TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGMENT

Good luck. Personally, I would cut contact. Your mother is awful.

I get this too. ‘You’re being silly. Oversensitive. Petty. Etc’

It makes me said to see you posting this at 4am ( if ur in the UK) as I’d be up at night thinking about this too 😔

You’ve hit the nail on the head. ‘It’s ok for them to do it to me but not the other way round’.

It’s exactly the same in my family. They can do what they like to me but the minute I step away from the family norm, I get told about it. It took me 10 years of trying to fight against it and change them and in the end I moved away, don’t tell them anything and left them to their weird enmeshed life! Now I see them on my terms and umm and ahh in the right places then go home and live my life with family I’ve chosen (husband and DC).

OP, focus on your own family and don’t tell them anything.

Your mum will not want you having therapy because she knows that it helps you to see the situation for what it is and isolating you is a tool for her.

If you have someone in your corner affirming that the situation isn’t right it removes her power.

Go back to therapy, start to get out of your bubble, even if in the early days it’s not to make friends but just soak up the time you would have spent seeing her.

The problem is, a family like yours teaches you to be vulnerable to any shit who comes along, because it’s your normal. So you end up having to keep everyone at a distance because it’s safer than letting in people who may be waving red flags.

It’s a process, re educating yourself after the kind of training your mum gave you.
Your emotions matter. And they should matter more to you than hers or your brother’s.

Organise your life to suit you and your DCs. That’s your priority. What suits your mother is for her to think about, not you.

With all kindness I think you still need therapy. I think you can now see the dynamic for what it is, but still don’t have the capacity or skills to handle it or not be hurt by it.

Your mother gets a sense of importance and worth from being able to generate hurt. She does these things to cause you upset- that makes her feel validated- if you push back you are being unreasonable, if you don’t then she keeps walking all over you and causing you and your kids harm.

I don’t know why you are back in contact with her tbh. She hasn’t changed.

“Ive asked them again this year and theyve given excuses why they cant make it which are reasonable, so it means i have not booked as i dont want to upset anyone.”

OP, if they’ve given reasonable excuses, then don’t give it another thought - book the holiday for you and your DC. If you think your DM will make this into a blame game (and you care - the problem here is that you shouldn’t) then tell them, “Mum, I’ve booked a holiday to Shangri La on July 29th for a week, so if you want to come too, you and DB need to book it.” Then it’s up to them what they do, and they can’t say you’ve upset them. You are a grown woman with children, OP: you’re not joined at the hip to your DM. She’s got you just where she wants you - she does what she wants without you, but makes you feel guilty for doing anything without her. You are entitled to your own life. If you want to go to a restaurant, then book it and go. If she asks the DC, let them tell her- and if she does the “upset” routine, remind her that she can’t possibly be upset because she and DB went without you, so it’s hardly unreasonable for you to go out for a meal with your own DC without her and DB sometimes. You are letting your DM control you, OP - you need to take the initiative, and if your mother chooses to be upset, that’s up to her.