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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

163 replies

HowSharperThan · 13/04/2026 23:05

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sugarsugarcane · 14/04/2026 06:49

My biggest issue with this is the way she portrays you as a person rather than the reference to one act. I mean at 17 even if you had of known about the affair, it’s not on you to have managed that between your parents so it’s in itself a moot point
has your mum always made you feel like a bad person?
unfortunately I have a mum who likes to use me to channel alot of stuff she doesn’t like or can’t handle about herself so I kind of grew up thinking I was lots of things that I now realise I’m not or at least that doesn’t define me
it sounds pretty abusive, keeping you in the frame for all the bad stuff that happened back then, because she can’t really flog your dad for it as she would have liked to seen as he left (I assume). Take a step back from the noise around this particular situation OP and reflect on the bigger picture of your relationship with your mum and how she treats you / makes you feel. The upshot being none of this is yours to carry x

nomoremsniceperson · 14/04/2026 06:49

Poor OP - trapped between a lying conniving father and a mother who seems to be a professional victim. You did an amazing thing for her and I think it's nuts that she is angry at you for it. I hope you have a nice sane family of your own, whether it's with friends or a partner & kids. If you don't, you deserve one. 💐

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 14/04/2026 06:41

Presumably your mother benefited from your flash of intuition? In that case, rather than be a bitter witch about it she should be thankful. And I’d tell her that.

Oddgain · 14/04/2026 06:40

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MrsCarmelaSoprano · 14/04/2026 06:39

ThatCalmCat · 13/04/2026 23:15

Give the same blanket response every time she mentions it... "would you rather I hadn't and let him financially screw you over?" Perhaps she'll get bored of saying it if you do. Might she be doing it to get a reaction, and best to ignore it? Though it must be difficult.
She should just be very grateful!
How odd for her to twist it like that.
I can completely see why you took that step after seeing him being cagey. It was intuition. Well done you!

Edited

I agree,just don't discuss it with her at all.just tell her you won't talk to her about it again. How can she not see you did her a huge favour?

tripleginandtonic · 14/04/2026 06:38

I think ywbu because it wasn't your place to get financial information, it was your parents business.

EverythingGolden · 14/04/2026 06:38

I assume there is more of a backstory to the relationship and not only this one thing? She doesn’t sound very nice.

Marmalade71 · 14/04/2026 06:33

Shitmonger · 13/04/2026 23:46

Sorry to be blunt but is your mum a bit… dim? If so that is why she’s suspicious of you and sadly she probably always will be. My mother had a TBI that impacted her intellect and has always been suspicious me/my intelligence and quick to accuse me of things, particularly when I was a teenager.

I think this is the crux of it. Your mum was oblivious and deep down she is furious with herself that you worked out something was off before she did. It was an exceptionally insightful, but also conversely slightly naive, thing to do - I think in the circumstances, even as a teenager, I would have assumed affair but that would not have led me to think ahead and copy financial data. So in thinking - middle aged bloke is hiding something- your brain went to money whereas I think most people would think sex. I suspect it’s this unusual thinking process which your mum can’t get her head around and it feeds into her own feelings of betrayal and stupidity.
But of course, 17 years on she should not be bringing this up.

Oddgain · 14/04/2026 06:31

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MaggieBsBoat · 14/04/2026 06:19

I’d struggle to spend time with her at all if she keeps bringing it up. Clearly her life hasn’t much moved on in the last few years, which is awful to see. Bitterness begets bitterness and misery. She should be thanking you and trusting you. I am sorry OP.

I would honestly say to her that you can’t spend time with her if she can’t trust you and thank you for saving her bacon!

Tiddlywinkly · 14/04/2026 06:13

Marmaladegin · 13/04/2026 23:08

Your mum is batshit and should thank you profusely

This.

From what you said, she got a fair deal in the divorce because of your actions? Any other person would be thankful and focus on that.

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 06:11

It was intuition. That simple. Cant say why your mum wont let it go 17 years on but next time she says anything about your 'nature', id tell her to look in the mirror at herself, you spoke the truth and its her that cant accept it. Tell her that you cant change the truth to fit her ill narrative.

MustardGlass · 14/04/2026 06:04

I’m sorry Mum, I picked up on very subtle signs and that maybe is a sign my childhood was always fight or flight. I shouldn’t have said anything.

Ceramiq · 14/04/2026 06:01

You did nothing wrong but I expect your mother still has strong lingering feelings of having been deceived and not knowing what went on in her relationship with your father and indeed her family and is projecting her own confusion onto you in an attempt to feel less stupid.

DiggerLily · 14/04/2026 05:58

If my 17 year old daughter had the foresight, gumption and intelligence to do this I’d be singing her praises from the rooftops. What a smart kid you were!

I’m sorry your mum doesn’t see it that way, but her feelings of betrayal and the affair and secrets and lies are all muddled up and she is projecting that onto this incident. What you did was not devious, it was with good intent and thank goodness you did it!

see it as something amazing you did that not only benefitted your mum (even if she isn’t in the headspace to be grateful to you) but for yourself. Any future inheritance will come from your mum I’m presuming, so you were also safeguarding assets for your future self.

be proud of yourself, and next time your mum mentions it say something like “I’m sorry you see it that way, and I hope you can heal from dad’s affair and betrayal” and change topic.

MayaPinion · 14/04/2026 05:58

Have you challenged her thinking or explained the situation as you’ve explained it to us and told her she should be grateful to you? That you did her a massive favour and instead of being grateful she has continually thrown it in your face?

NicknamesAreAPain · 14/04/2026 05:57

What amazing foresight to show at such a young age, and what help it gave to your mother in the years after. Its really awful to have such a lack gratitude towards you. She should be thankful to have had such a mindful daughter in that moment!

SheSaidHummingbird · 14/04/2026 05:57

@HowSharperThan I think the phrase your DM is looking for is 'thank you.' She benefitted hugely from your forethought, whether or not it was calculated.

Whenever she starts on this weird take on the situation, just keep repeating 'you're welcome'.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 14/04/2026 05:49

What a lovely woman to be upset that her own daughter saved her from a financially ruinous divorce 🤨 Next time she brings it up, tell her you’re building a Time Machine so you can go back and undo that action since that’s what she seems to want. She’ll make some comment at this point that that’s stupid and she doesn’t mean that or something. It is at this point that I recommend a phrase you will need to use, probably often, for the rest of your relationship with her (until you eventually go low or no contact):
”Then why the fuck did you say it, Mother?”

Feelingworried26 · 14/04/2026 05:45

Its a shame your mum doesn't appreciate what a perceptive and proactive daughter she has. You helped her a lot. Perhaps she is still overwhelmed with grief and shock taking it out on you. Not good, I hope your relationship can survive if it's good in other ways.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 14/04/2026 05:42

And even if you did know about the affair SO WHAT you were 17? I would completely blame my DH for putting you in that position.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 14/04/2026 05:41

No wonder there was a divorce. Is she always so unpleasant?

Sossijiz · 14/04/2026 05:38

I'm amazed that you are still in contact with the ungrateful bitch.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2026 05:27

TheWonderhorse · 13/04/2026 23:31

It sounds mad to me. I can see why she thinks it's incredulous that you just randomly happened to decide to do that.

Spur of the moment curiosity is one thing, but to sneak downstairs to do it? Then to forget about it too? Do people even have files and files of financial information stored in their computers? I certainly don't. That might be why I'm so poor!

Yeah I think I'd be suspicious of you too. It's just such a coincidence if you didn't know. Of course it was helpful too, and she ought to be grateful that she had such a cunning daughter.

Maybe in future go with "I felt something was off and I acted to protect us. I had no facts, just a feeling that he was hiding something. That information was only helpful if my intuition was correct and there was something to worry about. Had dad not been dishonest himself then I wouldn't have had to use it. It wasn't my secret that hurt you, it was his."

Maybe that would shut her up?

I would send your mum this is text form. If she cannot let it go after that, I would consider distancing myself from her to protect you.

IWasTangoed · 14/04/2026 04:08

It sounds like she is carrying some misplaced resentment or anger about what happened and directing it towards you. Her reaction is nuts given your actions were incredible at that young age and helped her massively

Personally, I would be tempted to say 'I'm sorry my ability to save you financially bothers you mum. I'll take that extra money you got off your hands. I'm sure you'll feel better then'.

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