To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

You did something incredibly smart and sophisticated. Tell your mum that and then that it's off limits as a topic. Madwoman.

My dad hid his finances from mum and I wish I'd had your foresight before he took off.

I’m absolutely baffled how your mum is even annoyed about this. She should be thanking you! I’m worried what weird and cruel messaging you received from her growing up if she is using this against you as an example of various unpleasant characteristics. How dare she! I’m slightly furious for you

"Right you are mum - when you're losing your marbles and handing over your money to a con artist, I won't lift a finger. I won't be discussing this again". Then don't. Logic is for logical people.

As pp stated, grey rock. No matter what you say, how likely is she to change her version after 17 years? I would not waste my effort and emotional energy trying to change her story, no matter how unfair and untrue it is. She believes and says what she wants.

I think the crux of the issue here is that your Mum is furious with herself for not realising something was wrong. She is the adult, but it took her 17 year old daughter, after noticing her Dad behaving oddly over the family computer, to realise there was something amiss.

Your Dad had no reason to password protect the financials on the PC. He knew your Mum was completely oblivious over finances, and it wouldn't enter her head to go looking. Your Mum may also be angry at herself, for not being involved with the family finances. Her ignorance, nearly cost her a decent divorce settlement.

She's taking out her anger on you. You were 17, of course you didn't think Dad is having an affair. It was his secretive behaviour over the PC that drew your attention. You automatically took copies of the financials, because, I assume that was probably the only information stored on there!!

I think you need to either have the entire situation out with your Mum, or grey rock her. She should be proud of your intuition, rather than accusing you of being a dubious character. She should be ashamed of the way she's treating you.

Well done. You have great instincts. Perhaps your mother cannot bring herself to believe that she did not see the divorce coming and you somehow in some way sensed it?

I ignored my intuition the other day and lost an item I loved - if I'd listened to my intuition, I'd still have it. It's good for your mum that you didn't ignore your intuition. She should be grateful but she sounds the suspicious type and not in touch with her own intuition, otherwise she would just accept that you had a flash of insight and acted on it.

Ref her accusation about the affair. I'd just say calmly to her next time she brings it up or even bring it up yourself "look, I'm kind of fed up with these accusations Mum. Your suspicions about me are yours to carry and I won't be carrying them anymore." And then leave it there.

Could you say "I didn't know about the affair. I thought it would be helpful to you to have the information but I won't help in future. No good deed goes unpunished!"
Then every time she says it say "I won't help in future."

I expect you knew something was wrong, intuition is a powerful tool. Maybe not an affair, but he could have been ill, or anything really. People sneaking about having affairs change behaviour and I expect you’d noticed the change in him…Excellent forward thinking really. I can see your mums point but it’s a bit rich when she’s used it to her benefit!

I'm sorry your mum has been like this with you.

Personally I would have been proud you saved her a lot of money.

In your shoes I would say one last time it was intuition you didn't know about the affair but something felt off and her anger and upset is directed completely at the wrong person. It's not acceptable to use you as an emotional punching bag and should this continue then you will be distancing yourself from her to protect your own well being.

This. Time to have it out after 17 years. Her bitterness is falling on your shoulders.

Do people even have files and files of financial information stored in their computers? I certainly don't.

I don't and never had but almost 20 years ago my flatmate did (possibly still does, we've long since lost touch). She had spreadsheets of budgets, different accounts, savings targets etc so it doesn't feel that out of the way to me. I only know because we once talked about keeping track of money and she told me about her system.

I wonder whether the family had different log ins to the same computer and this was in his 'area' so he assumed no one else would look, or he didn't care if they looked before but didn't want a list of assets to survive?

Either way your mother is cruel to keep bringing this up.

Strange way for her to frame this. If she brings it up again or if you decide to try and have a conversation about it , you could tell her that, most mothers would see it as their daughter going out of her way to try to protect her. . You were clever and brave and loyal , I would be ever grateful to you for having my back. Sad that instead ,she is determined to use this as a way to try demonstrate flaws in your character. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished !

I am sorry she keeps doing this when you saved her a lot of money, time and trouble! She's wrong.

Oh my days - if only you’d whispered in my ear when my STBX was on a business trip in 2010!

Your mum if mentioning it at all should be reminding you of how you helped. The IT world in 2009 was different from now and not every person of your age would have known what to do, never mind actually having the presence of mind as you did.

I only wish what you did happened more often, given how many people hide money for deception.

If she's not dropping it I would have it out. Tell her you're not being dishonest and resent the constant implications. Tell her you genuinely can't explain why you did it other than he looked a bit shifty but isn't she glad you did? Tell her she should be thanking you not accusing you of something you didn't do. Tell her you were a child. Tell her how the constant bringing up of this. Akes you feel. Ask her if sh wants to ruin your relationship over this. Tell her this is the end of it now. You would like an apology and want her to stop now. Tell her you understand she is still upset over what happened but maybe try therapy rather than taking it out on you.

What did your dad say about it at the time?

YANBU.

As children we can intuit when something is very wrong between 2 adults, even if we are not told anything.

I have a very strong memory 50 years on from being the young child I was then, of my parents eating a meal together in absolute silence. I didn't know why at the time, but it felt "off" - the atmosphere was icy cold. They announced a divorce shortly afterwards.

So it seems that you equally sensed something wrong and rightly guessed it was linked to finances though you couldn't have understood anything. You did the right thing and your mum is being so harsh to blame you for acting on your instincts which were spot on and helpful to her.

Your mum will never be able to get her head round this so there is no point trying to convince her otherwise. She is obviously holding on to the hurt she felt because of what your father did.

For a 17 year old, the saving of financial records was incredibly astute and clever. Something that would never occur to the average 17 year old. Your mother is just unable to understand that you had the foresight to do this. She is unable to see another point of view. Is she closed minded in other ways?

Whenever she brings the subject up, ignore and talk about something else. You are not going to change her mind at this stage.

I’m more interested in how your dad treats you now?

Is she a total narcissist? Does she not recognise you did her a favour? You drew the short straw with parents. Sorry op X

You were very smart. Your mum should be thanking you.
Even if you did know about his affair, you were a child yourself.

I feel for you op when my dad left it was a sharp shock I was never given a reason just my mum said that he didn’t love us all anymore. It ate into me and my brothers as mum wouldn’t let him see us.

One day I found his address on a divorce letter and went and knocked on the door I was 15 and I needed to know why he abandoned us. He couldn’t really give me a reason but at least I tried. Didn’t speak to him again.

2 years later when my brother was being told off for something he told mum what I did. I was called all the names under the sun and thrown out for a week. It still haunts me now and it is thrown in my face regularly that I am cold, sneaky, 2 face no amount of explaining my reason has ever been good enough. When it gets thrown in my face now I just say yep that’s me master of deceit. It’s amazing how one small action can dictate the rest of your life’s relationship with someone.

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy.

This doesn’t really make any sense. The files were saved on the family computer, not his personal one, and they weren’t even password protected, so not sure why he would have jumped.