To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

It sounds like ever since you were very young, you felt you had to take responsibility for things which should not have been your responsibility.

It makes sense in that context that you would have a tendency to accumulate 'tools' to take responsibility. You saw the files, thought 'when Dad isn't here any more I will be responsible for this' and put it somewhere where you knew you would find it. Ditto with your garden shed stuff.

No surprises then that your mother is still trying to place responsibility for your father's affair disclosure on you. You seem to deal fairly well with the burden that was placed on you. Unfortunately, she will never change, and will continue to see you as the parent rather than the child. Not much you can do about that, other than ignore it.

Sounds to me like your mother resents you a great deal, for some reason.
Your mother was an idiot not to have a handle on finances, no matter what your relationship is like the financial information should be an open book- if it is not that is a huge red flag.
Blaming you for helping her is ridiculous-, as is assuming you are untrustworthy.

I would say fine, but remember every time you can pay a bill and can afford a decent life that is down to me- you want to blame me instead of your own stupidity and suspicion- fine, get back to me when you have got over it , because
i have had enough of this nonsense, and l don't need it- so don't contact me until you can drop it.

i

It's misplaced anger. Suggest that to her if you get the opportunity. Mum is thinking what happened, going over and over to figure out how you saw what she didn't.

M

This and tell her this and that you won’t put up with it any more!

Also the one on being the "planner" in the family and how they need looking after. 🤗

"You're just like your dad..."

Is a phrase from my childhood too.

Have a look for Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on parentification. I've not listened to it yet but probably should and it will probably be really illuminating.

You did her a massive favour. It's weird sometimes how you do something instinctively without really knowing why.
She should appreciate that and just be grateful. Unfortunately, people sometimes fixate blame on the wrong person. I'm sure she has a lot of unresolved issues with your dad. She should be focusing them on him not you.

I can relate to this way of thinking because my brain occasionally likes to be prepared for a random scenario and pokes me until I take steps to do something about it. Then it shuts up and I can forget about it and go about my life. It’s actually been very useful to people at various points over the years so they don’t tend to laugh much anymore. I was another child who got accused of knowing things and copped it for being too much like their dad as well 🙄

I can't imagine having the foresight to do that at 17. It would never have crossed my mind in a million years! Anyway, lucky for your mum that you did. I would totally push back and tell her in no uncertain terms to shut the fuck up and why she's an ungrateful cow.

Tell her that without that information she would have been left with nothing so instead of hating you for having it, she should look around her and thank you because she sure as shit wouldn't have come out so well.

And if she carries on then maybe its time to start thinking whether she just wants to hurt you and whether you actually want her in your life.

I’m sorry OP that is really tough. I can relate to this so much and in my experience, people don’t really change. You can try reasoning with them over and over but you’ll drive yourself crazy because they’re not coming from a place of logic or sense. Have you considered going low-contact?

My mum often brings up things that happened a long time ago. My response is to say "mum, that happened 40 years ago, I don't need to hear it again".

You need to find a stock phrase to say to your mum " mum, stop bringing this up repeatedly, it's sad that you don't believe me, but not my problem, every time you bring it up, I will leave" and then leave.

She also needs therapy if she can't move past it.

Some DMs have long memories.
Mine regularly moaned about something I'd said when I was 14 for >50 years , and how upset she was.
My faux pas ? I told her she stank & she should use a deodorant !
Tactless, but true.

She's not a great Mum is she? I would not confide in her given this - she's going to make it about herself if you do, isn't she? My Mum used to be more like this (though perhaps not so bad) but she's now pretty old (as am I 😂) and honestly she has gone on growing up and becoming a better Mum steadily as the decades have passed!

This is bringing back memories of my own teenage years with parents in a troubled marriage! I remember as a teenager being hyperalert to my parents issues and behaviour.

I expect you acted out of fear and self-preservation, as you had clocked he was up to no good - he made that much obvious to you, without you knowing any more, but your young dependent self sensed that your dad was no longer 100% on your side. You acted in self defence.

I expect your Mum feels a bit humiliated by the fact that she realises you sensed something before she did. Which is understandable - but just too bad, get over it, really. She's very lacking in insight to bring that up to your face, now. Fair enough to wail to her pals at the time 'what's worse even howsharper clocked something was up before I did" etc . But now? Ridiculous to bring it up.

You don't say much more about the relationship with your mother but if it's otherwise not to bad, I'd perhaps be inclined to try to overlook the carping as a result of the injury your Dad inflicted.

FWIW my final year at uni was fucked by the hideous messy implosion of my parent's marriage and my Mum's inability to cope. Decades on she has occasionally mentioned what a shame I didn't get a first. Well go figure, Mum!

It smarts, but luckily she doesn't labour the point, so I more or less brush it off. It's just a "don't go there" period altogether for me and not worth hashing out I don't think because it would just bring it all back again. Yes obviously its not ideal but I just don't think there would be anything to gain in my case from 'having it out'.

I can't advise you obviously but that's just my perspective. What your Mum is doing sounds a bit nastier so you might not find it so easy to brush off, I can see. Sorry that was all a bit incoherent!

@HowSharperThantbh, even if you had know your dad was having an affair, it is ENTIRELY unfair of your mother to blame you for saying nothing at the time. As a child (even if nearly an adult), it would never have been your responsibility. Personally I would have felt very upset that my child had to carry this burden.

I can only assume that your mum still believes her marriage could have been saved and/or that she’s always seen you as Daddy’s little girl and now that includes being seen as deceitful as he was.

Well done for what you did and your mum needs to be told a few home truths.

Your mother clearly had trust issues and she's projecting them onto you.
You can understand why, given the massive betrayal from the person that she was closest to.
Next time your mother brings it up you need to tell her that this is her problem, not yours. Tell her that she's pushing you away with her behaviour and urge her to seek therapy to help her process her issues properly so that she can stop using them as a stick to beat you with.

What you did was amazing and obviously it’s a real smack in the face to instead be attacked for your actions. She obviously feels a lot of anger (undoubtedly all due to your father) which has been displaced on to you I’m sure because it felt embarrassing and like others knew more than her. If I were you I would write her a letter to say you understand how hurtful and humiliating it must have been but she must believe you and stop blaming/attacking you (and indeed, really, should thank you).