AIBU to think paying grandparents for after-school childcare feels unusual

I paid my parents the appropriate hourly rate for part time care during the day (DH worked shifts) and some before/after school care. My DM wanted to leave her full time job and timed it around us.

My view was that we were going to have to pay for childcare anyway.

Yes, it did impact on the relationship. My parents did not offer any other care outside of this, no babysitting, no visits or days out at any other time. I think they felt they had done their bit.

DM also chose to end the care when I had my second. She didn’t feel they could manage both DCs.

I’d have to be starving over before I accepted money to look after my own grandchildren. You either do it or don’t.. but not for money!!!

I could have made a fortune! Missed a trick there 😂😂😂

I suppose I can’t see the problem with this - if you’d rather pay a relative than a stranger than it’s a choice.

My daughter babysat my son yesterday for the first time and I paid her. I hated being expected to babysit my own brother whenever my parents told me to. I actually paid her to babysit and paid him to listen. Mates rates though, not what I’d pay an actual adult.

It’s quite the norm where I’m from for grandparents to do the childcare. None of my immediate friends have ever paid for professional childcare and I would offend my parents and in-laws if I even offered.

What I will say though is, i never once expected them to adhere to my rules. What routines or rules etc that are in place in my house never had to be adhered to in theirs. It has never caused confusion or behavioural problems.

But did your granny and your aunt have a paying job that they had to give up in order to look after you? That’s the crucial difference.

Aren't most grandparents of children young enough to need after school care actually still working age now?

Twenty years ago state pension age for women was 60 and my mother's peers were often accepting employer initiated early retirement even younger - that doesn't seem to ever be offered now, and the extra eight to ten years overlaps with the likely age for having primary school aged grandchildren.

Obviously there's lots of variety, but if average age for having a first baby is 29, average age for having a first four year old grandchild would be 62, so it is exactly that sweet spot.

My mother retired before turning 60 but didn't do any childcare at all, and I don't have grandchildren but young adult children so just pondering. I had my first child at 30, and when my first child is 30 I'll still have seven or eight years to work (which just at the moment is soul destroying - where I live there is talk of increasing retirement age to 70, and my job is exhausting me now in my 50s...).

Being paid for childcare would only compensate for giving up work hours if the grandparent works for minimum wage cash in hand surely - things like the hit to pension is the reason many people try to slog on full time as they get older (though arguably that was an exercise in futility).

I think taking money as payment rather than for food/ entrance fees or similar expenses would be a bit humiliating precisely because it would have to be a lot less than the salary/ wage/ pension contributions sacrificed.

But not paying them can mean the GP are spending money they can ill afford on fuel, food and activities.

Sorry what? How is it taking money away from the grandchildren? Does all the parents' money really belong to the child? In which case isn't the parents going out for a drink also stealing from the poor children?

Not only having feelings about being taken for granted, but laughing at younger people. Disgraceful.

Totally agree on both points. They're also both have very differently poor and conflicting communication styles. DSis is half in a world of her own and just wouldn't think to offer, so would need to be told directly to pay/provide items, probably quite bluntly as she just doesn't notice hints. In contrast DM is really passive, so would skirt around the issue even if the costs were unaffordable, she wouldn't say anything and would go without herself.

Sorry, but your sister sounds like a cf! Not even providing a car seat or push chair?! That's crazy. But, also, your mam should have said something to her.

I wax very lucky that my parents are affluent enough to not care and they actively wanted a strong relationship with my children.

i guess I think it’s a bit weird, did they ask or demand initially? Are you sure you didn’t fall into it by being polite?

I paid my mum for a while for 1 day a week, at half the nursery rate (so win-win). Also without paying her I’d be obliged to buy her coffees and cake whether we were out and not be paid back for ad hoc shopping I did for her, which I reckoned would be more expensive…

Yeah it is wrong. Paying them is actively taking money away from their own grandchildren. Morally repugnant I would say.

KaleidoscopeSmile

I didn’t mean to make them sound evil that was how it went, I was thinking ffs they should at least be given appreciation! And I’m late 40s!!

Shinyhappyapple

I didn’t judge them I thought it was sad that they obviously wished they got more appreciation and a bit of money for everything they do!

I think a lot of it is that women’s lifestyles have changed (because let’s face it, we’re largely talking about women, grandmothers here) and along with it their expectations for their lives. The majority of women in their fifties and sixties who are now becoming grandmothers have worked for most of their lives and live lives which are much less revolved around the home, unlike many of their own mothers and grandmothers who were more likely to not have, and weren’t raised to think of childcare and housework as their role in life. My grandmother, born in the 1930s, was a housewife all her adult life, and provided a lot of care to us as children - she saw that as her role, her job, because it always had been and she’d grown up thinking of it that way, in much less of a way than many of my women colleagues in their fifties and sixties who are talking about dropping to part time because their adult DC are struggling for childcare, do. It is, essentially, another job when it’s not just enjoying spending time with your grandchildren on your own terms but committing to always being there for set days.

Well if GPs cannot work because they are helping out with childcare how else can they fund their lifestyle ’?

We help a lot with childcare and I certainly don’t expect to be paid but then that’s because we can manage financially. On the other hand it is a big commitment and restricts what we can do for two days a week plus myself and husband work part time Even if it’s just school/ nursery pick up it’s still a commitment that we have agreed to.
My daughter and husband are very appreciative which makes a big difference!
I totally understand why some GPs need a form of payment covering petrol/ outings costs etc .

If it's regular childcare then yes if its just random childcare then no. Kids are expensive and gp shouldn't be out of pocket looking after them. Its petrol, food, extra heating, extra water, extra electric, soft play, cinema, toys etc etc

My dm gave up work to look after my nephew, so my sister happily transferred money to her each month to at least cover petrol, food, nappies etc. Saved my sister a fortune. Women are told too often that significant unpaid labour is an honour and a duty.