AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

School would be noting on their records if a child joins them who is still in nappies, has a dummy and still uses a bottle. If your DD is behind in other areas too they may well recommend a parenting course for you

Give it another go. Tell her if she can't focus on your daughters success she should butt out. Children do go backwards. Don't worry just really persevere. Some people on here would have you believe their children were writing novels by 3.

She should be brushing her teeth at bedtime, not falling asleep drinking milk. That's a basic, not sure if it's been mentioned in other comments.

Unfortunately the frustration of having to leave places to get changed is a natural consequence and with persistence it will act as a motivating factor for her to use the potty or toilet.

Sorry if you've mentioned it in your posts but does she use the dummy during the day? If not then I would definitely make potty training the first priority over the dummy going. It isn't that long until September and this needs to be sorted before school.

Can you take some annual leave soon so you can be around in the day to get the potty training process going? You really don't want to be doing this when baby number 2 arrives.

Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it isn't true. It's certainly borderline neglect and just pure laziness... particularly given if your MIL hadn't said anything you wouldn't have made any changes.

In that case she can’t be brushing her teeth after having the milk, if you’re leaving it with her while she falls asleep even just sometimes. It’s just so bad for her teeth. I’m surprised with that and the dummy that her teeth are ‘fine’. They won’t stay fine.

What is her sleep like?

Sorry but you're making excuses. In the absence of medical reasons (or unless the habit is a very minor and unobtrusive one) the world simply doesn't recognise that at all. This "times have changed" mantra is something you've clearly adopted to suit your own narrative.

@DearDog96 you should never leave a child with a bottle. Their teeth need to be brushed after the bottle.

Is there a reason you haven’t sent your DD to pre school? It’s not just for childcare but to get them ready for school.

Have you ever left your DD with anyone that isn’t a relative?

If your DD is falling to sleep with any milk then I urge you to Google images of bottle caries. Her teeth might be ok now but you are setting her up for copious amounts of tooth decay which isn’t fair because you just can’t be bothered to parent her.

Parenting takes effort. All this “they’ll do it in their own time…” doesn’t sit right with me. When she goes to school are you expecting the teacher to hold fire while she waits until she’s ready “in her own time” to start learning to read, or to sit and follow instructions? When she goes to school, she needs to be not only out of nappies, but able to use the toilet independently. It’s imperative that you start this now.

DS2 was 3yrs 8mths when he started school. He had been out of nappies for well over a year, could dress himself, including buttons, put his own coat and shoes on, and do what the teacher expected of him.

But your child isn't 3. She's four.

And you say that the world now notices kids develop later and hold on to their babyish ways. Well that's true and it's been very much seen to the detriment of the child by many child development experts.

It's literally been all over the news about kids going to school in nappies. Your child has a number of large number of transisitons coming up that you have evidently failed to prepare her for. I won't go as far as neglect, but it's far more than lax and it's seriously letting your child down. She deserves better than that.

It suprises me you as a nurse, have failed to notice any of the above.

I dunno, when I was a toddler I told my six months younger cousin that I didn't play with babies who wear nappies. She refused to wear a single one afterwards (awkward for her parents, they were in the middle of a holiday).

Even 3 is on the older end of not being potty trained. Having worked in pre school nurseries i would say 90 percent of 3 year olds are potty trained although some will still have accidents when they get engrossed in play so need reminded to go to the toilet frequently. Can you try put her into a pre school nursery to help her get school ready? Its really not beneficial for 4 year olds to be in playschool. They tend to be aimes at 2 to 3 year olds generally

OP I think it’s great you’re taking comments onboard but this really is about setting your DD up for a really good start to school.

My DS starts in September as well and we started potty training in Jan 2025. Even this weekend he’s had 2 wee accidents and not quite made it to the toilet on time for a number 2. He also didn’t get it but we didn’t go back to nappies, we just kept on persevering but he still struggles.

Hes also at nursery as I work full time and it’s really helped him to get into the circle time/reading corner, sharing toys, standing in a line etc. Don’t underestimate how far ahead a lot of other children will be in these ways as well.

I would take back the nappies now and start with the dummy and bottle. Don’t pussyfoot around now.

Does your DD also not go to any setting with kids her own age. Nursery is a personal decision but if she's not been in that type of setting, away from her parents then it's another major transition for her along with a new sibling.

I don't even know what to make of this comment. It's your job as a parent to help them let go of their babyish ways. Not just simply abdicating responsibility to your DD.

Times have changed and I can't see its for the better if its somehow acceptable to leave children in nappies until they nearly start school. Long term use of dummies and bottles still have a detrimental impact to teeth no longer how long a child wants to hold onto them.

id Be inclined to agree that it’s neglect. You have failed/ neglected to parent her appropriately for her age. She is being treated like a 1 and a half year old

Came to say YANBU, and share my story of having to have a discussion with my stepmum about not openly slagging off our parenting, thhen read your OP fully and YABU.

For a NT child to reach 4yr and be not potty trained, having a bottle of milk at night, and using a dummy, is close to neglect of her physical and emotional needs. For possibly the first time on MN, your MIL is right.

I have read your updates OP and noticed you said your dd is at playschool. What is the average age of kids going to playschool with her? If its much younger it maybe holding her back because she wont be learning kids her age wear pants, dont use dummies or bottles.

Oh Crap method is, imo, the best toilet training method.

I'm shocked, OP. You really need to sort all of these behaviours.

True, it’s bordering on neglect for me.and the grandmother clearly thought the pair of them were intent in sending her to school like this. Otherwise she’d not have mentioned school.