AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

The way your MIL communicated things is problematic - but you are way way behind on things you should have sorted out. A dummy at 4 needs to just go now - you should have dropped it years ago, milk in a bottle is crazy (move her to a straw cup or even better a glass - ideally before brushing teeth - I did that transition at 18 months and still felt that I was a bit ) and potty training is a pain (I know - delayed it too but to 2 years 9 months) and delaying it too much makes it harder not easier. You really need to face up to some pretty basic transitions that you are years late on as they will not be easier with a newborn and the resulting emotions in your 4 year old.

On paper it looks like you haven't actively parented in these areas. No way should a DC be taking any drink to bed. DGD was one last month. Her dummy is gone. Apart from milk in a bottle before she cleans her teeth before bed, the only drink she has is water through a sippy cup. This took perseverence, DIL and DS are brilliant despite both working and very busy schedules.
I think potty training will be a nightmare if you wait until Summer when you have a new baby. Not only will your attention be split, but older siblings are affected by the new arrival and can regress, although I'm not sure that's possible here.
If you don't begin to train immediately you'll be looking at DC potentially attending school in nappies.
I remember potty training at around two years old because pre-school would not accept a DC unless they were out of nappies. Is this not still a thing?

You MIL is right. You think you'll have all this sorted in 5 short months when you haven't been able to between the ages of 2.5 - 4yrs with a newborn in the mix as well? You've woeful underestimated this OP. And unless she has a medical or development reason for not being able to use the toilet - yes toilet NOT potty - school will not accept her. She isn't a baby. Stop treating her like one.

That went well, OP 🤣

Waiting until she’s ready is fine is she’s still 2 but at four she needs to be out of nappies. Does she go to nursery? Does she sort herself out if it’s a wee or do adults face to change her?
You're expecting a lot from your daughter to give up nappies, dummies and bottles, get a new sibling and start school all in the next 6 months.

Team MIL here. Maybe MIL could take your child for a couple of weeks. She could probably get this sorted for you, unless of course there's any abuse worries.

Why leave potty training until summer? If it hasn't taken by September will you be popping into school to change her?

If you're still having difficulty potty training, then it's not suddenly going to be easier with the warmer weather. Have you reached out for help? Try your local health visiting team, they have lots of experience. She needs to be fully sorted and settled in using the toilet before school. You've also got a baby due "in the warmer weather " so that's a big chnage for her, you need to tackle it before baby comes. If there's no swn, then you've really babies her for far too long. Do something now, otherwise you'll be trying to make too many changes when the baby arrives.

You say times have changed but I don't know any four year olds with dummies, in nappies and having bottles. I have a May 2022 baby and he's been potty trained for about 18 months and hasn't had a bottle of milk at night since he was 1.

Your MIL is right. You keep saying you'll have these things addressed before school yet you clearly haven't had any success over the past few years so I don't know how you think you'll manage in the next few months with a newborn.

And what have you tried with potty training? It's a long slow process, it isn't something you just achieve in a few days. It took a good few weeks before mine wasn't having accidents and was a lot of persevering, wet laundry and cleaning. But we managed because we stuck at it. Just going back to nappies isn't going to teach your daughter anything. And using the excuse of "warmer weather" is an absolute cop out. Weather has nothing to do with potty training.

Or how about they step up and parent their child...?

Four is pretty old not to be potty trained.

I think you need to speak to your health visitor. There is a lot to do to get your child ready for school in very little time!

Your 4 year old is still having dummies and bottles and wearing nappies. There's is no excuse for that. Your MIL is right.

No you're bang out of order and she clearly isnt getting the message through strong enough. You rarely let your 4 year old suck her dummy while out and about, so you do. Dummies, baby bottles, nappies should be long gone.

Your kid starts school in 6 months and she's still a 2 year old. So in a very short amount of time you're going to cause her massive upheaval then ship her off to school, add in a new sibling on the way.

You've set the kid up for failure. Don't be complaining when her behaviour is up shits creek or she's still having accidents at school.

Unless you're going to drip feed she has a developmental delay then you've really massively let her down.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school.

Do you now? If it was easy, you would have done it already. Throw a newborn into the mix and it will be harder allround. Your MIL’s delivery was poor but her concerns that you have left things late are not.

You are right, things were different in her day and schools and nurseries are having to deal with the consequences of parents leaving it too late for the basics. Now is the time not, kicking the can down the street when it will be more difficult with a newborn and a school start deadline looming.

My DC never had dummies and had their last bottle just before they turned one and were out of nappies at about two and three or four months. We skipped the potty and went straight to the loo which I would suggest you should do as your child starts school so soon.

We didn’t use dummies as we had a niece who still had one at three. Same niece also was still having a bottle at the age of five. My DH also
had a goddaughter who, whenever we went round was always sitting on a potty in the middle of their sitting room.

I Really think you need to get on and sort all
of these issues and agree that you haven’t babied your DD but you have been lazy.

What on earth does she still have a dummy and a bottle for? Most toddlers can manage a sippy cup and at four, your DD should be able to use an ordinary cup - a cup of milk BEFORE bed and teeth cleaning is fine: allowing her to fall asleep with a bottle of milk is negligent parenting - or do you not bother cleaning her teeth, either? Water is fine, and enough. She’s far too old for a dummy, and your MIL is quite right to worry about what will happen at school if she’s still in nappies. You really need to take matters in hand NOW - when your new baby comes along, you’ll have your hands full and won’t have the time to devote to getting DD used to no nappies. She’s old enough for you to explain what is going to happen. Just remember: man is an animal of habit, and the longer you let the habit of bottle, dummy and nappy continue, the harder it will be to break. I feel sorry for your DD: it will be difficult for her because you have allowed all this to carry on way too long. As another poster upthread has said, you need to get going on this TODAY. No excuses. Be the parent your DD needs.

This can’t be real? OP it’s not nice to hear but you’re really letting your DD down by not having sorted this.

I had a dummy until 4 and it has permanently ruined my adult teeth. As others have said, it’s only going to get more difficult for you to deal with these things once you are more pregnant/the baby is here (not to mention the baby will likely have bottles and dummies which will make it very hard for your DD) so you need to sort this fast! Cold turkey on all of them this week.

Jesus, you need to deal with this NOW. Before the baby arrives. The bottle and dummy’s get thrown out today. Cold turkey. Wait a week then remove day time nappies and they don’t come back no matter how trying it is. You must do this before the new baby arrives.

For the sake of your child get your shit together. Your and your husband are failing completely here.

Another plop and run poster….

She's right. The child is four.
Another soon to be that will be doing all the things the one about to go to school is still doing. You could make it so much easier for yourself when the new baby comes if you didn't have a 4 year old baby.

Oh dear OP, I am not sure if this thread is going the way you hoped but I also agree with PPs that you need to hurry up with the potty training. Bottle and dummy? If it’s just a night time thing in the privacy of your home it’s not such a big deal.
So baby is due in July? And school in September? Those are two major major life events on the horizon for your daughter. Even for kids who have been trained from an earlier age these are the types of world changing events that can cause regression and bed wetting. I think the nappies have to go as a matter of urgency.
Your child, your call as to which methods / rewards/ resources will be best for her as she works through this, but the time for delay tactics has long gone. Good luck 💝

It took months for my daughter to stop having an accident a day. I first tried just after she turned 2 as all the signs the were there. But after 6 weeks of 3 to 4 accidents a day it was really me down (I also had an elderly dog who was having accidents and ill. It just was all too much). I went back to pull ups to catch the accidents but continued with taking her to the toilet every hour. And changed a pull up as soon as she had a wee so knew we don’t do it.
I gave myself a month break and started again. It was about 3 months that accidents went to maybe once a week. She is now 3 1/2 and it only happens if she is too engrossed in something but is very rare.

Eeeek!! I did not expect my response to be for mil! I don’t think she should have said anything to your daughter.

But unless she has some neurodivergence I don’t know why you haven’t tried harder for potty training and why you still give her a bottle and a dummy. Her teeth are going to be bad.

Your MIL is spot on here. You seem to have been far too lax and lazy, particularly with regard to the potty training, and are cutting it far too fine. Especially with a new baby due.

You need to get your finger out, which you should have done some time ago really.