AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

I think any adult making comments like that to a child is inappropriate so I’ve said YANBU. Her concerns should’ve been directed to you/your DH away from your DD.

It sounds like you know what needs to be done and you’re not necessarily disagreeing with the sentiment of your MIL’s comments. I know changes feel challenging when things are working (nappies mean no accidents/battles abs dummies are great for soothing) but don’t put it all off until summer as you’ll feel the pressure of school starting and that’s not going to help your DD adapt. She’ll sense the pressure and potentially push back (because kids love to do that!). Personally, I’d do the dummy fairy (‘plant’ them in the garden with her or leave them on the door step and it ‘reappears’ as a flower or a gift) asap and just get through a tough couple of days. She has you to comfort her and get her through that change. She will be okay. Then try potty training when you feel you’ve left enough of a gap. Neither of these jobs are fun parts of parenting but you can do it!

Yep, mil is right about this one.

We found potty training in the winter easier than summer. In summer my DC just weed in the garden ignoring the potty- they knew they couldn't wee on carpets so in colder weather they got the hang of going straight for the potty quicker. Basically i would not delay potty training at all - try now.

And the dummy too. I'd just switch the bottle for a glass with a lid and silicone straw that she has with bedtime story, like the Bamboo ones. I think you could do all of it now really, definitely before baby arrives or it will be too much.

@Cityzen74 the OP has admitted they have babied their DD. Unless there are developmental issues no 4 year old should be using a dummy or drinking from a bottle, that is both babying them but could also be disastrous for their teeth.

How do you think the DD will feel when new sibling arrives and those things, that she has recently been made to give up, will be in constant use by her sibling. This should have been tackled years ago. Isn’t it guidance that bottles should be phased out by 12 months.

Is this a reverse or rage bait for the Daily Mail? Are you ever coming back, @DearDog96?

If anything, it’s better to potty train when the weather is rubbish and you’re mostly around the house anyway. Consistency is key- keep going with it and your DD will get it.

It surely needs doing now before baby arrives & to allow for any regression when the baby does?

I send all my sympathies because I had all this as well when my DC was the same age - not potty trained and still co sleeping. Everyone would tell me how awful a job I was doing at parenting and it upset me. He just wasn't ready to potty train until the summer before he went to school. It also didn't take very long because he was ready. I know my in laws (and my parents) totally disagreed with all this and I found it hard. Hope everything goes well

Also the world isnt that different a place with regards to nappies and bottles from when your MIL was younger.

It wasn't acceptable then to have a 4 year old in nappies with a dummy nor is it now.

The only exception to this is if the child is developmentally delayed. I have worked in both pre school nurseries and primary schools recently and contrary to sensational headlines which suggest lots of kids are still in nappies and using dummies at 4 they really are not! It was rare and the only children who were both in nappies and using dummies had significant developmental delays and required 1 to 1 support.

If a child had no delays and was still in nappies and using dummies at 4 then serious questions were asked around neglect at home as its a key indicator of it.

Honestly....you are doing your child a massive disservice.

You can start addressing these issues right now and turn it around OP

I think this works only up to a point. At 2, when I initially started potty training my son was definitely not ready. At 2.5, he had a sibling arriving shortly so he was being potty trained whether he liked it or not. It took a week of me off work, then my husband the following week before we even made some real progress. Our nursery worked alongside us and we'd send him (on their request) with about 4 changes of clothes and he was normally always coming home with these wet. This went on for a good few weeks and it was about 6 weeks until we reached a point where we had hardly had any accidents.

Was it enjoyable? No. Hard and frustrating? Yes. But ultimately our responsibility as parents to get him out of nappies. Some people just use this "when they are ready" as a complete cop out. There's so many posts on here, of parents putting their child back in nappies after two days of potty training.

Someone needed to say it.

She shouldn’t be commenting on your parenting and def not discussing it with your child… but I imagine she is very worried about her. I don’t think you can blame the world for being a different place, it sounds like you need to support your little one a bit more in learning new skills - whether that’s independence or soothing. I’ve seen older kids in school uniforms with soothers and it is often just parents wanting an easier life. If you have a clear rationale for some things I think it would be easier to be clear about it and it wouldn’t bother you so much. My MIL thought I was a bit mad to co-sleep and breastfeed for extended periods of time but because I was very happy with my decision and felt they benefited my kids, it just rolled off my back - sounds like your MIL comments are evoking something in you - that she may have a point, despite the delivery method not being optimal.

You need to deal with this stuff now, it will be much harder if you wait till the new baby arrives. Ask MIL for her help, she might have tips and strategies you haven’t tried yet. Whilst it’s annoying for her to comment, and you obviously feel stung by it, make use of her experience. And remember, it’s her grandchild, she wants the best outcome for her.

I’m usually the ‘they’ll do it in their own time when they’re ready’ but you are leaving this far too late. Starting school in September, pull your finger out!

Sorry OP your MIL is right. Your dd is seriously behind. If she has no SEN you and your dh needs to stop babying her and get her potty trained and her dummy off her. She is nearly school age not a toddler. All 3 of my kids would openly say at 4 that nappies and dummies were for babies.

Dummies went by there 1st birthday (night time use only from 6 months as they can affect speech) and they were all potty trained in the day within a week of there 2nd birthday's. Nighttime is a little different as that can take a bit longer for some kids.

OP train her now as if you wait till summer when the baby arrives it maybe much harder. Stop putting her back in nappies as that's just confusing her and setting her back. Take the nappies off her, put her in big girl pants and keep encouraging her.

Maybe that some parents think its someone else's responsibility to raise them?

Yeah I wondered that… what a terrible attitude!

I think it’s completely made up and designed to get everyone frothing over it.

You need a couple of quiet weeks at home and one of those seats that sits on the toilet - forget about the potty, you've gone beyond that now. If you do it half heartedly, you'll just prolong the agony and your daugher will get the impression that it is optional. I'd do it as soon as you can.

@DearDog96 Yes, the world is a different place but neither then nor now is it usual for a NT 4 year to be in nappies, having a bottle at night or using dummies. Any one of these would be unusual. A combination of all three is really concerning.
It's also going to be harder for you to solve these issues between 6-9 months of pregnancy and actually deeply unfair to your daughter. She has a bottle and a dummy as a source of security. You are bringing a sibling into her life and at the same time taking this away. Obviously don't delay this any further, but please treat her like the 4 year old she is.

I also wonder, WHY you haven't said no to these things so far? Do you generally find it hard to take a parenting stance and push through? I wonder if this is what the MIL is reacting to- that you are a bit soft to the point where these basics have been neglected and so she's trying to take a tougher stance with your child because you and your DH won't.

Your MIL was unreasonable to say what she did but a presumably NT 4yo who is not toilet trained, uses a dummy (and not just for sleep) and drinks from a baby bottle is very concerning. My DD2 is 3.5 and I can’t imagine her doing any of those things. You need to get a handle on it as you haven’t done her any favours.

Your MIL should stop making digs. You should start potty training. I suspect the reason you resent her comments is that you know she is right.

She’s BU for how she spoke to DD but YABU for letting your DD get to 4 years old and not help in her grow. As you’ve said, your DD is babied by you and your DH.
You’ve done your DD a real disservice.

Your MIL is right to be concerned as at 4 your DD should be much further ahead. Totally agree with other comments about the big sister role as you’re potentially opening yourself up to all sorts of issues when your baby arrives and of course there is always the chance baby will arrive early.

Order your DD a toilet seat combined with a step from Amazon today. Stop the night time bottle and lose the dummy and be unable to find it. Yes you’ll have a few nights of broken sleep possibly but your DD should be toilet trained within a week which will help you enormously.

ETA my little grandaughter was using the toilet for poos at 19 months and at 2.5 is now taking herself to the toilet using her step. Whilst others may consider this early she was obviously ready and very excited to be like mummy and nanny. Shes also firmly into the big sister role helping mummy and being absolutely brilliant with her new sibling.