Parents of toddlers, how do you cope with this and how is it in any way enjoyable?!

They are completely different at 4.5 OP hang in there. Step away and deep breathe when it gets too much.

It's a hard age... you are in the thick of it. My son is now 4 years 4 months and omg what a difference. He's so much more reasonable. Still has his moments but nothing like the awkwardness you are describing. I have a younger one too and she's 15 months and the tantrums have already started 😭. With my son they didn't really start till 2.5 x

I had a 3 year old like that. Such hard work. But he's 5 now and SO much easier. I actively enjoy being a parent which I can't say I did two years ago. Believe that it gets better.

For the bath maybe try having him wear swim goggles? It worked for us.

I find it more effective to say 'teeth', or 'shoes' rather than the sickly would you please put your shoes on now, ickle bubba or whatever

Don't give them a sentence that they can argue with.

Also, bear in mind you can always stick them in the car and take shoes with you

When he gets to nursery and is the only kid without shoes, say 'oh, you need your shoes now!!'

It's all about making it seem like it's their choice, rather than telling them what to do

It is really hard. My son is five and we still struggle with all of these. He’ll go swimming and put his head under, but if a drop of bathwater goes in his eyes, it’s a screaming drama.

He can definitely get himself ready in the morning, but it’s always a screaming drama, so I’ll let him watch the telly and pretty much dress him myself. It’s a pain, but it works and we need him out of the Door by 730.

If they’re in a good mood, you can often use stickers as a bribe. We buy those vitamin tablets that are basically little chewy sweets and bribe him with one or two of them. Just do what you can.

In relation to the teeth, I sit on him and pin him down and brush them if nothing works. I honestly hold his armsz. I would never hurt him, but after about 20 mins of faffing around it needs doing & isn’t optional.

“Teeth. Depends on his mood. Sometimes will be negotiating with him for half an hour. Obviously can’t force a toothbrush in his mouth.“
of course you can?? We’ve always done that. It’s not nice but it’s necessary.
why not just get him changed after bath into his clothes for the next day and he sleeps in those?
no one is going to report you for carrying your child to your car.

Age 3 to 5 was utterly brutal with DC1. He was little bother age 1-3, but the pre school years were seriously rough.

We tried really hard to never lose our cool with him, just to be really neutral when he was losing the plot. We had a few boundaries that were held firmly, largely around safety and politeness to others, but we did also pick our battles for our own sanity. Not wearing socks today? Whatever.

He got significantly better from 5 onwards.

Full sympathy, my eldest is 3 and we have a lot of similar battles. I’ve also got a 6 month old and I wonder what the nursery staff think of me holding him by the back of the t shirt so he doesn’t run off in the nursery car park while I’ve got the baby strapped to me 🫠

For hair washing I second the flannel over the eyes suggested above, I’ve only recently learned that and it’s so much easier now. Getting dressed seems to be our biggest battle, we get a lot of don’t want to go nursery but he’s fine once he’s dressed with a snack in the car (bribery is king in this house). We do a lot of choice between 2 options or ‘get dressed quick or the monster will get you’ but it takes endless patience which I frankly don’t have and is much worse when I’m tired - which is always with a 6m old and the 3 year old who’s slept through about 12 nights in his life. For teeth brushing I got an electric toothbrush with lion king on for his birthday which came with an app you can choose a Disney character from to brush teeth with which has made a huge difference, once they get enough coins from brushing they can ‘buy’ more characters so now he chooses each day and seems to like it.

vaguely encouraged by comments from others that this phase shall pass eventually…!

Dress and brush him whilst hes on the toilet or potty. So he's trapped essentially. Or stand him on it, get him to flush and maybe have some cartoon/musical toothbrushes he can choose from, etc etc. My son is same age and this has worked wonderfully. The kitchen counter is another trap zone for shoes and coat.

Mother to a 4 yo barbarian here 👋 and he has been since he was about 1.5.

The only thing that works with him is consistency and removing his fun when it becomes a power struggle. Won’t get clothes and shoes on? One warning, if you don’t you’re surfboard carried. All whilst acting like you’ve been lobotomised you’re so calm. It might take a few goes but he’ ll learn (or mine did). Mine loves ANY kind of reaction, good or bad, so when I remove one he learns pretty quickly that the fun has gone.

We got him goggles for the bath which he actually loved, and unfortunately yes I did have to force the toothbrush in a few times (again, with a warning first and remaining extremely calm and without hurting him at all) It took maybe 3 times of this for him to realise this too was boring.

I also learnt to never hold grudges with him about his behaviour, no going over and over it after a tantrum or whatever, just deal with it in the moment then go back to being fun mummy as soon as it’s done. He seemed to learn it wasn’t ever really worth it, and now we’re at the age where he loves reward charts which is another step easier!

solidarity though, having a strong willed child can feel frustrating when you see all the other compliant little ones but I just keep reminding myself that I’ll be so proud of him knowing his mind when he’s as adult!

Have you tried making a picture list of all the steps - getting dressed, washing face and hands, cleaning teeth, putting shoes on, getting in the car etc then after each one ask him to look at the list and tell you what you need to do next. - this puts him in charge rather than you telling him what he needs to do.

There are strategies you can use (being more fun; offering choices) and they're often successful, but you need to have a certain amount of bandwidth to be able to be 'fun' on demand.

When I was in this stage I used the strategies if I could. If not I decided what was non-negotiable and let everything else go. So just give up on hair washing for a bit. Honestly, kids hardly ever need their hair washing.

Accept that nothing you do will make him more reasonable, he just has to grow up a bit.

It just goes to show that nothing is foolproof when dealing with toddlers.

3 kids here. My rule is they comply with teeth brushing or I force it. It can’t be left, they will get rotten teeth.

I'm afraid that both of my two boys also immediately realised that 'none because I'm not going to bed' was a hidden third answer to 'do you want the blue or the red pyjamas'

It’s savage. I desperately managed until age 5 when it started becoming easier and then age 7 when I actually wanted to be around him. He’s a joy now. I coped by not having any more! You’re not alone OP.

When my Godchild was a toddler and I had them staying with me they’d scream murder if water got in their eyes. I got them something like this and put a little mirror behind the taps at bath time so they could see what was happening and I’d do a ridiculous voice asking them what sort of hair style they’d like, made things easier and fun for them.

https://amzn.eu/d/03f2hjzk

Most toddlers are like this.they do grow out of it.

i have sympathy about the water in eyes though it really is horrible. You can get eye guard plastic thingies.

Teeth are non negotiable. Wrap in a towel with their arms inside, pin them down with your leg then brush as they open their mouth to scream at you. Mine soon accepted doing it properly after a few days of this.

Sometimes 3 year olds are just dickheads. I remember dropping one of mine off in his pyjamas at nursery, with me in tears and his clothes and shoes in a bag. It happens. We used a lot of bribery - mini flapjacks to get into the car to go to nursery for example. It felt awful at the time but I promise it’s just a phase!

are you me? This is my son!
I found apiderman electric toothbrush worked and I cuddle him in my bed and blow dry him to sleep with a hair dryer every night as he follows me if I try to leave him before he’s asleep. ‘Bad habit’ for sure but it works better for me than sitting on the floor next to his little bed

It is so draining at that age. I feel for you as a single parent. I had some success with making things more of a game involving a toy. I would make the toy (usually on of the teddies) ask DD if they could help DD get dressed. Or play dressing teddy at the same time. We even got the toys a cheap toothbrush so DD could brush the toy's teeth while I did hers. Very tedious but did help a bit.

Maybe boys are easier to manipulate at that age. If that failed, bribery was a good backup.😏

I tried that with my eldest, Her response was usually, "None. I don't want to get dressed".

Yep, it's normal. How you get through it, is you keep fantasising about the time in about 6-12 months time when he'll (most of the time, fingers crossed) be much easier to deal with. It feels like an eternity now, but at the same time it'll flash by (again, fingers crossed!)

Good advice, I always used the choices technique.
Getting dressed, 'do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one'...for eg.
That often worked. Youngsters feel more in control if they have had the chance to decide for themselves.