Me or the drugs?!!

If he goes to rehab and gets off the drugs I’d consider giving him a chance. Otherwise it’s out and divorce. Ultimatum time.

That’s not quite true. In his 40s my boyfriend was in a relationship with a coke user and he used it too. Then he ended things and got clean. He’s off the coke completely now. He did have a stent put in after heart artery issues after the relationship ended so think that may have panicked him. He was always into healthy eating and running.

He could get Over 50s life cover, if he isn't insured already.

Yeah that's not my experience. People will do a line or a bit of molly well into their 60s.

I can understand that.

I had a similar situation with my husband, quite some time ago now, but I had a newborn and reached my limit
about a year or so after my suspicion started.

I left him. He got help. We got back together a year later and he has worked hard to put it all behind him.

However he had a severe addiction. He was doing it all the time. Your DH does it at festivals. If he didn’t go, would that mean he would go without?

So until you saw the message you had not even a suspicion?

But you said this:

”
he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. ”

I think, this is one of those situations where you don't necessarily need someone to change if their occasional behaviour isn't impacting your life. I know you're worried, but he would be doing it whether you were together or not

This. At this point OP accepts it or leaves. He isn’t going to change.

The kids are grown know. If he doesn’t care about his health I would just let it go or if it’s a true dealbreaker - I would leave.

I do find what your husband did reprehensible (lie to circumvent your boundaries though.)

But those 3-4 weekends a year that he takes drugs lead to several weeks a time of being mentally unwell afterwards and the OP having to support him. So it's not just the few days at a festival, it has a much wider impact on the whole family. Its around 3 months a year they lose due to the man's drug taking even though he only takes it on a few weekends.

I’d have thought not, unless he declared his drug use when the policy was taken out.

How often are you talking? Is he doing it regularly and going to gigs weekly/monthly? Or is it 1-2 times a year at a weekend festival? I think there’s a difference. The latter is very much recreational and the former more problematic IMO. However, you’re angry he lied and it seems as though any drug taking is a dealbreaker so you have no choice but to leave. The trust is lost.

I disagree. He's sneaking around, lying, making excuses and gaslighting op to avoid being found it. It might not be full blown addiction but certainly sounds like functioning addiction. Especially given he's knowingly risking his marriage over it.

Op I'd be curious about the dynamics. If this is planned or something he's caught up into on the night. Who's he going with and are they partaking?

If he's just getting caught up in the moment and not planning on using then he needs to stop going to gigs and concerts if he can't handle that setting. If he's planning it then he needs to be at NA and getting help with this. Either way actually narcotics counselling might help him. Mediation as well to help him understand the impact on his family.

I think the bit I'd find hardest op is that you're telling him this is actively hurting you and he doesn't care enough to change. That's telling. Because either he doesn't care and is selfish. Or he's not in control in which case he needs to accept help.

You're entitled to leave if you want to but I agree it's a big change for you and I think you need to weigh up where you'd be happier. I know I feel much better mentally having left my ex even though we have less, our home is smaller and I need to budget more carefully. So for me it was absolutely worth it especially for ds sake. But you need to weigh that up for yourself. I have friends who's spouse uses recreationally but they have always been fine with it and never intended to have kids and can manage fine on one salary and that's an informed choice they've made. The difference here is you weren't informed, you set a boundary and he sneaked behind that. So unfortunately you can't control what he does but you can control what you do next.

I'm sorry op that's a hard and lonely place to find yourself. I hope you're being gentle with yourself.

An apology... that'll be a no from me

I'm not going to be nice and engage with someone who was rude in the first instance. I didn't mention the death.

OP, I’m not anti-drugs at all, in fact I think most should be legalised, but if this is a red line for you, then you should stick to it.

There is no point in getting angry. You need to let the anger go, especially if it’s making you ill. You can’t change him. And not because he’s addicted, but because he doesn’t have the same views about drugs as you do so he sees nothing wrong with taking them 3-4 times a year.

But if you do then that’s your right. But instead of arguing with him about it you just need to leave. Either that or let him get on with it.

you can easily google it.

maybe they’re still old fashioned in Ireland.

you owe the poster who lost their husband an apology

Wee bit harsh with the 😂to someone's husband that committed suicide.
Disagree with eachother by all means.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If I were you, I’d look at getting therapy for yourself and potentially as a couple to work out how you’re going to address this. There’s so much nuance to situations like this, which Mumsnet simply can’t address.

Perhaps in the UK.
I'm in Ireland and I work in insurance (underwriter) and it absolutely isn't an old fashioned view. It's a fact.

I’m curious as to how you didn’t discover this in the last 24 years?!