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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or the drugs?!!

157 replies

NellyAmelia · 12/04/2026 15:25

A year ago I found out my husband of 24 years had been using coke and MDMA when he went to gigs and music festivals, when we moved in together initially it was my non-negotiable that he must stop taking drugs if we were to start a family, which he agreed to but he’s lied about it all these years. We’ve been to counselling, tried to move past this but I’m still very angry with him and he tells me he won’t take drugs at the next gig but then does so I stay angry. He feels I should just turn a blind eye and let him take them and then we can get on with the rest of our lives, our grown up children just want me to stop being angry all the time. It’s so hard it’s like it’s all in me to just accept but at 52, he’s got high blood pressure, mr talk health issues, he binge drinks, he’s over weight and is on 2 types of anxiety meds Venlafaxine and pregabalin and I feel he’s going to have a heart attack or stroke if he carries on but he doesn’t seem to care. Your honest thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
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Original poster
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:13

nochance17 · 13/04/2026 14:33

Do you want to be his carer when his health inevitably fails ?

I don’t but I would be worried if the burden would fall to my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:11

BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 19:36

I took it that they would both need to downsize and sell the house?

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I can’t afford to buy him out to give him his share so we will need to sell our family home or share it but as two separate people.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:10

Aquarius91 · 14/04/2026 19:42

Oh god. Honestly this doesn’t paint a picture of a nice lifestyle. If it was genuinely just recreational use 3 times a year with no ill effects, I’d get why you were angry but wouldn’t be a deal breaker, personally. But he sounds like an absolute loser. Months of work for “mental health” as a direct result of drug and alcohol abuse. Ickkk. Can you buy him out of the house so you can stay there at all? Could family help you (early inheritance fo example?). I get why you’re reluctant but it’s the sunk costs fallacy. Don’t waste another minute on him.

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I’ve got no inheritance coming to me but he had a sizeable one. I’d love to be able to stay in the family home but I just can’t afford to buy him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyAmelia · 14/04/2026 20:08

Lavender14 · 14/04/2026 18:32

Op when you say he comes home lairy and inappropriate do you feel safe around him? Is he in any way abusive?

No I’ve never felt he was going to harm me, more likely to harm himself I think. He has a lot of anxiety which manifest as rude and lairy, he’s not great at mixing with other men he says due to his overbearing father so he gets smashed to mask it all.

OP posts:
Aquarius91 · 14/04/2026 19:42

NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 22:09

I wish that was the case, he’s on a lot of anxiety meds and has had months at a time off work due to his mental health, not helped by taking drugs that prevent his meds from working and have probably contributed to his illness.

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Oh god. Honestly this doesn’t paint a picture of a nice lifestyle. If it was genuinely just recreational use 3 times a year with no ill effects, I’d get why you were angry but wouldn’t be a deal breaker, personally. But he sounds like an absolute loser. Months of work for “mental health” as a direct result of drug and alcohol abuse. Ickkk. Can you buy him out of the house so you can stay there at all? Could family help you (early inheritance fo example?). I get why you’re reluctant but it’s the sunk costs fallacy. Don’t waste another minute on him.

giddyboo · 14/04/2026 19:42

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/04/2026 15:27

Do not have a family with a 52 year old drug addict who lies to you.

I'd leave him.

I agree.

BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 19:36

Charel2girl5 · 14/04/2026 18:34

OP can I ask why you would have to move out and not him. His circus his monkeys! Look after yourself, you absolutely cannot take responsibility for his mistakes. Look after yourself.

I took it that they would both need to downsize and sell the house?

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 19:36

Charel2girl5 · 14/04/2026 18:34

OP can I ask why you would have to move out and not him. His circus his monkeys! Look after yourself, you absolutely cannot take responsibility for his mistakes. Look after yourself.

She couldn’t make him move out though could she? You can’t make someone move out of their own house.

Charel2girl5 · 14/04/2026 18:34

OP can I ask why you would have to move out and not him. His circus his monkeys! Look after yourself, you absolutely cannot take responsibility for his mistakes. Look after yourself.

Lavender14 · 14/04/2026 18:32

Op when you say he comes home lairy and inappropriate do you feel safe around him? Is he in any way abusive?

Hallamule · 14/04/2026 18:26

NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 22:06

its a improved in the last year but I’d say 3 times a months on average he’d drink at home to blackout. He’d go out with his work colleagues and get smashed and throw up.

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This, and you're worried about what he takes at festivals?

SparklyLeader · 14/04/2026 18:22

Increase your life insurance policy on him. You will need the money.

shhblackbag · 14/04/2026 12:16

Blacking out from drinking? He sounds worse and worse. Hopefully you decide you're worth more.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 13/04/2026 23:04

GlovedhandsCecilia · 13/04/2026 07:04

Yeah that's not my experience. People will do a line or a bit of molly well into their 60s.

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I know people like that too but the rest of us think they're pathetic. When you've got kids you need to knock that shit in the head.

BudgetBuster · 13/04/2026 22:33

NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 22:06

its a improved in the last year but I’d say 3 times a months on average he’d drink at home to blackout. He’d go out with his work colleagues and get smashed and throw up.

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OK so it's a lot more than just the drug use then.. I used to take pregablin for a neurological problem and I absolutely could not drink on them. I did once or twice (like a beer at a time) and I went absolutely loopy and was so drunk and sick.

He clearly prioritise benders (of whatever substance) over his health. Personally I couldn't liev with someone like that... no matter how much I likes my house.

Original poster
NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 22:09

ValhallaCalling · 13/04/2026 18:29

He's not answering addict FFS he takes it 3.or 4 times a year at parties! You're going on as if he's bankrupting them and she's keeping him afloat instead of letting him hit rock bottom. He sounds like a normal bloke who works and pays his bills and likes to party every now and then.

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I wish that was the case, he’s on a lot of anxiety meds and has had months at a time off work due to his mental health, not helped by taking drugs that prevent his meds from working and have probably contributed to his illness.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 22:06

BudgetBuster · 13/04/2026 21:47

Had problems with drinking? Or has?
How regularly?

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its a improved in the last year but I’d say 3 times a months on average he’d drink at home to blackout. He’d go out with his work colleagues and get smashed and throw up.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 13/04/2026 21:47

NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 20:30

This is very true, he had problems with drinking, he binges until black out at times and can become very lairy and inappropriate

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Had problems with drinking? Or has?
How regularly?

Original poster
NellyAmelia · 13/04/2026 20:30

Lavender14 · 13/04/2026 19:20

This doesn't actually matter. Op set a very clear boundary and he (for whatever reason) has decided this is more important to him than respecting his family. Whether or not you think it's no big deal that he likes to party now and then is irrelevant if its at the expense of his marriage. To me, if you're choosing that to the point where in the past he's had mental health breakdowns etc that op has had to nurse him through, plus all the lies that went with that - you're not just using recreationally and harmlessly. There's a wider pattern of behaviour that fits with a functioning addiction.

Plus. 3/4 times a year is what op is aware of. There's every chance its more than that given that he's a pattern for lying to her. Of course he'll be minimising.

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This is very true, he had problems with drinking, he binges until black out at times and can become very lairy and inappropriate

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/04/2026 19:20

ValhallaCalling · 13/04/2026 18:29

He's not answering addict FFS he takes it 3.or 4 times a year at parties! You're going on as if he's bankrupting them and she's keeping him afloat instead of letting him hit rock bottom. He sounds like a normal bloke who works and pays his bills and likes to party every now and then.

Show quote history

This doesn't actually matter. Op set a very clear boundary and he (for whatever reason) has decided this is more important to him than respecting his family. Whether or not you think it's no big deal that he likes to party now and then is irrelevant if its at the expense of his marriage. To me, if you're choosing that to the point where in the past he's had mental health breakdowns etc that op has had to nurse him through, plus all the lies that went with that - you're not just using recreationally and harmlessly. There's a wider pattern of behaviour that fits with a functioning addiction.

Plus. 3/4 times a year is what op is aware of. There's every chance its more than that given that he's a pattern for lying to her. Of course he'll be minimising.

BudgetBuster · 13/04/2026 18:55

ValhallaCalling · 13/04/2026 18:29

He's not answering addict FFS he takes it 3.or 4 times a year at parties! You're going on as if he's bankrupting them and she's keeping him afloat instead of letting him hit rock bottom. He sounds like a normal bloke who works and pays his bills and likes to party every now and then.

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And lie to his wife for 24 yrs

ValhallaCalling · 13/04/2026 18:29

pipthomson · 13/04/2026 18:09

I have 30 plus years clean-time and I
would suggest that you get in touch with families anonymous or NA anon yyou can’t change the addict until they get to their own rock-bottom and have had enough l-lost everything -or sick and tired of being sick and tired if you want to be emotionally available you need to be very strong the untreated addict is very sick and can be selfish,dishonest and and resentful you can change your attitude and move to a place of neutrality around this ( stop trying to control something which you have little or no power over) you will find a group of people who understand where you are coming from and they have a primary purpose of enabling you to move to a place of neutrality around the behaviour of others you don’t need to be a rescuer it is counterproductive !

He's not answering addict FFS he takes it 3.or 4 times a year at parties! You're going on as if he's bankrupting them and she's keeping him afloat instead of letting him hit rock bottom. He sounds like a normal bloke who works and pays his bills and likes to party every now and then.

pipthomson · 13/04/2026 18:09

I have 30 plus years clean-time and I
would suggest that you get in touch with families anonymous or NA anon yyou can’t change the addict until they get to their own rock-bottom and have had enough l-lost everything -or sick and tired of being sick and tired if you want to be emotionally available you need to be very strong the untreated addict is very sick and can be selfish,dishonest and and resentful you can change your attitude and move to a place of neutrality around this ( stop trying to control something which you have little or no power over) you will find a group of people who understand where you are coming from and they have a primary purpose of enabling you to move to a place of neutrality around the behaviour of others you don’t need to be a rescuer it is counterproductive !

cantgardenintherain · 13/04/2026 15:32

Itsmetheflamingo · 13/04/2026 08:44

Well she wouldn’t have to would she?

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Good point.

FateAmenableToChange · 13/04/2026 15:21

Sounds like youre more upset about losing the house than him. I couldnt stay in a relationship that was so transactional. He is who he is, and even if he did say he wouldnt take drugs anymore, people change after 24 years and I dont think you can expect them not to change their minds over that period of time.

Its certainly a shame he has lied to you, I guess he felt he couldnt tell you the truth. But all in all, not a great relationship, and if staying it in for the house is your main motivation maybe in the spirit of honestly you should tell him that. Then at least you would both have an honest relationship with each other from now on, if not a loving one.