To want to work part time?

Work out how much it would cost for
a cleaner twice a week
a before school childminder - afterschool club for two children
full day childcare during holidays - would you take separate weeks off holiday to cover more of the holidays and forgo a family holiday together?

what about when the children are sick or need to go to the dentist? I assume he will do equal amounts of that

will you need a gardener?

add up everything - thrash out everything

then see if he is as keen

and get everything in writing

if he wants some sort of fucking business arrangement about family life then fucking give him one

we can help make sure you haven’t forgotten anything (the list is endless) - presume he will take it in turns to organise play dates and birthday parties? Presents for others? Presents for them? Who takes them to get shoes measured? Makes sure they have homework completed ?

YABU to say that your husband earning 90k is enough for you to comfortably work part time. 90k isn’t a lot of family of 4 after tax, and it’s unlikely to be a cushy job and lots of stress on the main earner if they are made redundant / sick etc.

However I guess even full time you won’t be earning more than 30k - and then you’ll need to split childcare costs equally between you so that won’t reduce the financial burden on your husband much unless you get a better paying job, which is probably unlikely in public sector. Is he under a lot of stress / threatened by job reductions and pay cuts due to AI?

You are both unreasonable not to have discussed and agreed finances, return to work plans and who pays for what during maternity etc before kids though. You shouldn’t have been in debt due to maternity leave - unless the £700 was an extravagant hen weekend or something similar non essential.

Watch some podcasts by The Slumflower on YouTube and social media.

Your husband needs to be a man - you’re his wife, his partner, the mother of his children.

He should be feeling privileged that he’s in a position to support you to work part time (or even not at all until the children can go to nursery/school if you ask me) and that he has enough money to keep his family happy and cared for.

Men like this genuinely deserve disdain, they deserve to be looked down upon.

is that what’ll happen if o/p stops doing half the housework?

her dh will start rooting around dirty laundry bags to send them in dirty clothes? Or go find the outgrown clothes, and drop them in the mud before dressing the child?

come on. Most people are more than capable of going to a wardrobe and grabbing a clean outfit. Generally outgrown clothes are washed and put away for charity or stored.

My dd once ended up with a gorgeous monsoon outfit because she spilled in a cafe with dh and monsoon was next door. I’d have mopped her up and carried on 😂

I would stop cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for my husband. I would also demand 50% of share of all childcare costs. As far as I can see, OP funds this herself fully from her salary right now and thinks she "has to" pick up all housework. She doesn't have to.

Yep.

with us dh admitted he doesn’t like housework and knows his standards aren’t great. So he uses some of his “fun money” to outsource, pays cleaner, gardener, diy etc.

which I am fine with. He’s still doing his share. More than in fact, as the cleaner does a great job which means I get away with doing less. He can spend that time on the golf course which to him is worth every penny.

there’s more than one way to solve a problem.

Really? You'd send your toddlers to daycare in dirty, too small clothes? You'd skip their medical appointments?

I very much doubt she is paying her own way on 17k pre-tax!

My husband does little housework and I do all the cooking. I also do all childcare pick ups and drop offs, doctors appointments and general life admin. I know that would remain the same if I worked full time

This is a problem. I can understand that your DH may feel quite a lot of pressure being the main earner, however that doesn't mean that your contribution isn't valuable, but he clearly doesn't see it that way.

Finances/working patterns/running the home/childcare should be a joint decision and a joint effort. Working patterns/hours should be a joint decision. For some people, that will mean one parent not working/being part time, and picking up the slack regarding life chores - which seems to be the arrangement you have.

If both parents are to be working full time, then they need to share the life chores/child care equally. If he's happy to do that, which perhaps would relieve the pressure of being the main financial earner, then he's maybe not being unreasonable. But it sounds like he wouldn't want that at all.

I have no savings now and am spending my full wage on basic living every month. I also have outstanding credit card debt (£700) from my last maternity leave which i am trying to pay off monthly

This is also a massive problem. How can your DH earn plenty but let you be in a situation with no savings and a credit card debt from maternity leave? You are supposed to be a team - that's what marriage is about - and it sounds much more like you are living as housemates. All finances should be pooled, including any debt.

This is hard to answer as in some ways you are BU, in some you are NBU.

I think it's unfair to say that one person should just be happy carrying the family financially - even if they technically can right now, it's still a lot of pressure. Also, 90k is not a massive salary by any means - he could lose his job and then where would that leave you? And what about when you both retire? Your fund will presumably be very modest and to some degree his will have to carry you both even when he's no longer working.

It also does make sense for you to do more housework as you're home more.

However, YANBU in that he sounds pretty unpleasant in other ways, such as his weird and baffling judging of public sector work.

That only works if her husband isn't sn a hole and agrees to step up.

That's sounds pretty crap, OP.

I've been the higher earner by quite a chunk in our household for a while and don't expect my husband to out earn me any time soon. I wouldn't dream of demanding he goes out and brings in more money.
Our combined incomes just become "our money". He has more time on his hands so picks up the slack in the home which is massively appreciated!

I'd be tempted to be a total arse about it in your position and take a step back on household duties or draw up a house rota / jobs list and draw ul a 50/50 split. Give your DH a taste of how life might be if you worked full time and didn't have the time to do all the life admin. That, or LTB 😂

'Idle and half witted'. He's working full-time and bringing in £90k, (which I believe puts him in the top 10% of all salaries in the UK). This has to be up there with one of the most stupid sentences I've ever read on here. And there's an awful lot of stupid on Mumsnet!

She got into debt on maternity leave. This suggests he didn't support her while she wasn't earning due to having his baby. How's that not a sign of financial abuse?
Regarding working full or part time - the people in the equation aren't just the two adults, the children count too. A good parent does what's best for them.

Abusive?! 🤣 Don't be ridiculous. She is choosing not to work fully and he is totally entitled to resent that. Describing this as abuse is deeply offensive to people who are actually abused.

What's the hourly rate for a nanny or housekeeper? Balance that off against the OPs full time salary and then reconsider that statement.

The OP could do with putting an invoice in front of her idle half-witted spouse. Marriage and parenting is a team effort.

No, she wouldn't have to. I know I know.. many women would say that if they don't do it, then nobody will. But it still doesn't mean that "have to".
I would totally stop doing all the housework. I would also sit down with him and show him how much additional childcare is going to cost HIM if OP were to go full time and how the rest of life admin and cleaning is going to be divvied up between the two of them. And then very much stick to it. If he wants 50/50, he needs to see what it looks like in terms of shared responsibility for everything and not just finances.

How can she know this? If he doesn't pull his weight than she can leave him. She has a choice.

Yes there is, if the man does not want to be sole earner.

it’s a partnership. Both have to be in agreement with finances and home care. Dh and I are more secure with us both working in lower pressure jobs as it gives us both more time with the kids, and we feel more financially secure as if one loses their job or cannot work the other can pick up the slack.

if o/p’s dh is worried about their finances and doesn’t feel his job is secure enough or brings in a large enough income to be comfortable then he is within his rights to bring this up and discuss how they can both contribute. That could be anything from both taking less demanding roles, to both going 4 days, to buying in cleaners and household help. I

a partnership. It is selfish to decide not to woth if the other disagrees. It’s selfish to decide to not contribute to kids and home if the other does not want to do it.

however the o/p’s dh reference to being embarrassed about her job makes his sound like a dick.

o/p if I were you I’d be making sure you keep you employment prospects and start paying into pensions and savings. If you split he’s not going to share his earnings with you. Make sure you are ok if he does walk.

If my DH earned £90k and l had children l would feel l had no need to work- running a household and children is plenty- your DH is in a family which you are a part of his support is nothing he should be complaining about- why does he feel the need for lots of disposable cash?
You need to get a grip on the finances and know where every penny is going- then, I suspect ,you will understand your DH's ridiculous need for help with the family finances.

You don’t know how much their bills are, how much he pays, what he’s left with. None of that is explained so while I’m talking about the burden of being an earner I generally terms, you’re making up facts about the op’s situation.

I'm really sorry OP, but this arrangement is absurd. It's not 'your money' and 'his money'. You are married with children - it's your family's money for goodness sake!!

My DC is at school, but I work part time because wrap around care is not available and we don't have family to look after them.

My DH earns nearly 4 times what I do, and both our incomes go into the same joint bank account every month, where all bills and family expenses come out from. What's left over we discuss between us what we would like to buy/do with the 'fun' money. Nobody is entitled to more or less because of how much they earn. Our roles are equally important in our family and everyone's needs and wants are catered for.

Your husband sounds financially abusive. Sorry.

Divorce him. Take half of everything and child support. Problem solved!

I can’t see how earner resentment is a thing in this case? She appears to be paying more than her fair share and has no money left each month he meanwhile is earning 90 grand and keeping a large chunk while she has nothing!

Yes but on here it’s only the SAHP resentment that is really acknowledged. It’s validated and supported.

the earner resentment is dismissed