To want to work part time?

She's in a much better position to know it than anyone on here who doesn't know either of them and just made an assumption.

OP can indeed leave him. Which doesn't mean that him engaging in the sensible planning and labour splitting that you described in your previous post is one of the options on the table.

Life is not without risk. I'm not stupid, I'm aware of all the things that can go wrong, I'm aware my retirement will likely be very poor, dh could get hit by a bus and we'd all be fucked. To be honest even if I worked full time it wouldnt make a huge difference. I simply don't have the earning power. I try to look on the brightside and not stress too much about what might happen. Bit of a gloomy way to live. In any case, the op's husband earns £90k for goodness sake, that should be plenty, if it isn't then they are living well above their means. (Not on mumsnet obviously, but in the real world)

Similar this. My DH is part time. For childcare reasons, one of us had to go PT and I outward him by a significant amount. I would have loved to go PT but it didn't make sense. It's short term (although probably spans 5 years total) and it works as we can schedule non urgent appointments for his off days, his job in totality is a bit more flexible in terms of chauffeuring the older teen around etc.

In a marriage, and especially with shared children it just isn't fair to be financially abusing the partner.

In this instance, it's short term, the OP is still contributing financially and actually getting herself into debt so it doesn't impact the husband, and she's saving them childcare costs.

In much the same way I wouldn’t have a family with a man who expected me to work part time and carry more household load, or be a SAHM, I don’t think those who want to do any of those things should be having children and expecting someone to fund them when they evidently don’t want to.

I would sit down with your husband and say you are going to look for a full time job and once you start full time all jobs cooking, cleaning and childcare need to be split 50/50 and if the children are poorly or have appointments you need to take it in turns having time off work to look after them and take them to appointments. If he agrees then I think its fair for you to go back full time.

He is on 90k and his wife had to get into debt to take maternity leave with their shared child. He isn't carrying anyone. It's OP who is carrying his share of childcare and housework whilst also contributing to the bills.

Or because people make a plan before having kids and make sure they are on the same page

YANBU I'm sorry you're husband is so unreasonable. I work part time in the public sector and my partner contributes much more £££ to the household finances. He has never made me feel bad for earning significantly less (despite being a professional) and recognises that I'm working just as hard at home to run the household and all the mental load of having two young children. We both contribute, just in different ways that are valuable, if your husband cant see that then I'm sorry!

Because people can’t change their minds? Or make changes if things aren’t working out as planned?

Well, YABU because you allow yourself to be treated like this. There have surely been conversations over the years, both pre-children and perhaps after the first was born but before you had the second, about family finances, childcare, etc. It is ridiculous that you went into debt to cover your maternity leave, that you are paying a disproportionate amount of household expenses from your wages, and that you refer to “asking your husband for help.”

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband wanting to talk about you going back to work full-time. I’m not saying you should, there are all sorts of things to think about, would the children benefit from having two days at home rather than at nursery, does the nursery even have room for them to increase their days, would what you earn even cover the cost of the additional nursery days. Maybe the answer is somewhere in the middle, so maybe an agreement that you will look for a full-time job when the eldest starts school. But whatever the answer is, even if you do look for a full-time job, there needs to be a more equitable split of household finances right now until you do find a better-paying job.

What was discussed pre children?

She has considered her long term finances. Her kids are 1 and 3... she has said she wants to stay part time until they are in school. That's not very far away at all.

Also, it sounds like if her DH went PT it actually wouldn't impact the family just his own personal funds.

I did support my partner to work part time at various points. He had the opportunity to reduce his workload and at that point the kids needed a lot of ferrying around. Once they turned 17 and learned to drive he went full time again.

he supported me through mat leave, and for 6 months when I hated my job so much I took voluntary redundancy and needed a few months to get a new position.

then again at another point both of us went 4 days which meant only 3 days a week in nursery for the kids.

I have no problem supporting dh when needed. But it’s only ever short term and if it benefitted the family, including me.

If he’d decided he was going PT or giving up work because I was the higher earner and earned enough to support him, that wouldn’t have lasted long.

I have to wonder why he opted to marry and have children with someone he's apparently so ashamed of?

She clearly said she pays half the household bills, 100% of groceries, 100% of her own car costs. The only other household thing that jumps out to me is rent or mortgage which presumably he pays but that would be fair enough (IMO) given she pays the groceries.

She is single-handedly savings the shared cost of 2 full days of childcare a week.

My DH works PT also and does the childcare on the remaining weekdays he is off. That's his job those days. He earns c. 20k pre-tax and I'm on c 85k. Id never dream of saying his contribution the family is less than mine. In fact, the amount he physically contributes to our bank account reduced last year because we decided together he should be contributing more to his pension than he had been.

So yes, the financial burden is on me, and I worry about it always (if I got sick, if I was fired etc) but I definitely don't tell my DH I'm embarrassed by his job or that he needs to get a better job.

If your DH gave a fuck about the family finances he'd have paid the £700 credit card bill a long long time ago. I'm in favour of some element of separate finances for any adult but this set up is insane. You have a collective family income of 107k which is comfortable. Your kids are very young and you can afford as a family for you to be part time until the youngest starts school. Your DH sounds like a total dick btw. Running a household/family is a team sport.

Your husband sounds grim, sorry.

i think part time is great if you can afford it while they’re small.

how much were you earning pre children? Was it similar to your husband to be paying 50/50 or what it the same job you have now but FT? Which would make your salary still low in comparison & 50/50 not fair.

you are married, meant to be a partnership & supporting each other & this is not happening.

I wondered if potentially you earn the same as him before so its a struggle to lose that income & still live the same lifestyle + children costs.

are you are aware of the household bills and how much is being spent.

you need to sit down & go over everything with husband, not just money but childcare/house jobs etc.

I think you’re BU to work part time when that clearly isn’t something you can agree on. I think someone should only rely on anyone financially when they have their complete agreement, which you don’t.

I also think you’re BU doing all the housework like it’s your job to be released from.

I’m the higher earner in my home, by some way, and I wouldn’t support my partner to work part time while I worked full time. That’s not teamwork, and I’m not a bank.

My minimum expectation is that both of the adults in my house contribute to all aspects of it.

How’s your pension? What would happen if your dh becomes sick or disabled and can’t work? Do you have good critical illness/life insurance?

What if he left you? Could you survive financially? Do you have at least 6 months to a years salary in savings should the worst happen?

it’s all well and good saying children shouldn’t have to be in childcare when they don’t have to, but personally I think too many women don’t see past the first three years and make themselves very vulnerable long term.

which is why o/p needs to be getting back to work or securing her long term finances somehow, not going PT against her Dh’s wishes and becoming more financially dependent on him. If he doesn’t want to be the sole earner and support another adult chances are eventually he’ll leave if he’s forced to.

there are other options as well such as both partners going part time and sharing the load, and the risk.

o/p’s dh could go PT as well and earn 45k. I bet o/p is not suggesting that though so he can have an easier life.

I’d be working full time and trying to earn as much as possible, if I were you. Your husband sounds like a total arse and I’d be looking at ways I could leave!

My DH earns less than half of the op's DH and I still work part time AND they're both in school! DH works in the public sector as well!!! We're not rolling in it obviously but we get by just fine. I'm able to pick them up from school everyday and take them to clubs etc which is important to us as a family. Are your out goings very high op? Are you in a very expensive area? I can't really understand it otherwise. Putting kids in full time childcare when you don't have to is mad to me.

Blimey. Earning over 100k as a household and he treats you like that. Where on earth is the concept of working as a team in your marriage? He must understand that not everyone can be high earners? Tbh he sounds so nasty I would consider leaving and get every penny of CM you can from him which would be considerable given his earnings.

OP should invoice £30 an hour plus travel expenses for the life admin and it would likely become obvious she's paying her way in kind.

I think his attitude is very unreasonable in several way. Embarrassed that you work in the public sector?? What a dick.

Generally speaking I think one person going part time or giving up work should be a joint decision. I mean, I assume you wouldn’t like it if he decided to go part time just because he wanted to.