When to stop paying parents for childcare.

I’d end the arrangement. Sorry we can’t afford it and makes more sense for us to collect, DC want to do clubs

I don’t see anything wrong with paying grandparents - I did. But I would urge anyone getting into this arrangement to think of the off ramp.
How do you stop paying a grandparent who is short of cash. It puts you in an awful situation and it’s not the same as a job being finished.
You are still family after all.

I think this is more complicated than it looks at first glance. It would seem that when your mother gave up work at the time of COVID it worked well for you both. If the business wasn't doing well, she needed money and you needed full time childcare it would seem at that time to have suited you all. Certainly £400/£500 a month for full time childcare care is very cheap. True grandparents who can afford it of course do this all the time for nothing but if, without this contribution she would have needed to find a job, clearly paying this amount was very advantageous to you.
But what of now? The childcare is needed much less, but she comes around and cleans for you as well. What are cleaner costs in your area ..at least £15 an hour here. If she cleans a few hours a week, maybe one hour a day, plus pickups etc you are still getting an ok deal albeit one grandparents who can afford it do for nothing.
You say you accepted an amount gifted towards a deposit on your house when your parents where working and could afford it. But they only have state pension now. Maybe if they had that money now they wouldn't be feeling the pinch quite so much and wouldn't need what you pay for childcare and of course you have had the advantage of that deposit money. If she gave up work/looking for work at a time you really needed her, 6 years on it might be difficult for her to find work.
But the fact remains, you no longer need that level of childcare/house cleaning etc and the cost of living is rising making it difficult for you.
If you could afford it you could keep the cleaning and pick ups and half the amount you pay her on condition that she is still available for emergency childcare if needed when the children are too ill for school. That would ease the going down in income for her and you would still be getting some help. You could put a time limit on it. We could do this for the next six months.
I would have the conversation now saying you are going to stop the current arrangement cat half term/when the schools break up for summer. That would still leave you with some help over the long summer break ...but in a cheaper way for you.
Gently tell her that if she needs a part time job she needs to start looking now but if she can take half you can go on for a while.Take her some flowers. Thank her for all she's done and tell her that of course you realize that if the part time job comes up at any time you can stop the part payment arrangement and you understand that all her childcare/ cleaning/pickups will need to stop at that time. I hope the change goes well for you and her op 💐

I think £400 is an absolute bargain!

Having their gran dedicate this time to them whilst you are working is a real benefit to them as is her cleaning your house! That alone would cost £200 a month if u hired someone

Your kids are likely to be left to their own devices whilst u both work so I’d see this as an investment in them

I agree. That's really cheap childcare. I don't see anything wrong in paying grandparents. There's a lot of entitled cheapskates on this thread.

That's a great deal of money and a very difficult situation. She's no longer doing the work that she was and I see where your DH is coming from. It's a little strange to pay her at this point. I think it would be understandable to gently challenge the idea that she couldn't afford to live without this money in light of the holidays. Getting a job might be a new interest for her.

Read your OP back to yourself. You’re basically subsidising your parents to go on holiday. Somewhat mad.

OP , I was in your position and it was a very difficult situation so you have all my sympathy and this is how I ended up dealing with our situation.

Prior to Covid my DM looked after my DC, who were 11 and 9 then, 3 days a week. We paid her £600 per month for the 3 days a week and it was the same whether they were in term or not.

By the time covid was over we were only back to the office a couple of days a week and my youngest DC was 11 so no need for after school care.

Ending the arrangement should have been straightforward, kids are older so childcare is no longer necessary….

However, like you, I felt so much guilt as my DM made it clear that she needed the money and that she sort of expected us to fund her. We have decent jobs but not the kind of salaries that allow us to throw away that kind of money every month. My Dh ended up losing his job and having to take a pay cut but this didn’t change my DMs thinking.

I ended up having to just steel myself, tell DM the arrangement was coming to an end and deal with the guilt. To be honest our relationship has never truly recovered. I take DM on holidays every year, treat her to meals etc, but it’s never enough and I’ve grown to resent that.

With regards to your parents treating you, well why wouldn’t they? I am of the opinion that we ‘owe’ our parents our kindness and love but we don’t owe them financially for raising us. One it’s a debt that can never be paid and two, it’s a really weird dynamic.

Tell her you don’t need the help anymore so won’t be needing the childcare. Give her a couple of months notice and then stop paying.
Tell her that if in the meantime she finds a job in this period that’s no problem.

She’s right, she does need a job.

Not necessarily. After school club for my DC is £100 a week each. It’s a set amount each afternoon, so it’s the same whether they stay for one hour or two.

Though I agree it’s ridiculous that OP is expected to go without while she is subsidising multiple holidays for her DM

If the arrangements have changed due to kids getting older and you both working g childcare between you .. just give her notice she must know its coming to an end now .
You need to think of your own futures not your parents.

And did your parents ever do full-time childcare for your baby? Or is this just hypothetical...

YABU to start a thread to get people outraged and not come back to it.

And do you think the OP and her DH were exploiting her mum when they were paying her £400 a month for full-time childcare of a baby and then toddler plus doing afternoon school run? Would you work a full day for £18? I bet no poster slagging off the grandmother on here would. Even for the pick up, one hour childcare and cleaning then £18 per day is not extortionate.

If the OP and her DH would rather save the money by doing the afternoon school run themselves and are sure that, plus having a 6 year old who needs supervision at home while working, would be fine with their employers, then they just need to tell her mum they will be stopping the arrangement.

I think you have been very very lucky to have paid less than £100p/w to have one to one care for your children!!!!! The years where she’s had the kids fewer hours has probably evened it out.

make a bit of a fuss (gift, thank you card, photo book?) with a big thank you but equally say now that the children are older you no longer need the support and after X date will end the arrangement. I think 8 weeks /2 months is a decent amount of notice

She's not helping them to get by and pay the bills. She's paying for them to go to the pub five nights a week. How do you turn that into a heartfelt guilt-trip?

Sickening?
Why's that then
Why wouldn't you help your parents if you could?

Your husband is not being unreasonable.
Give your mother notice and explain that thanks but you no longer need her help.
Drinking 5 days a week costs money.
They will have to cut their clothe, like most people.

There is no way in hell my parents would have taken money from me if they looked after my children. Sorry but I’m Team DH. Shocking 😳

Is that a week or month?

£100 a week ? That was even a lot when she had to do a lot of childcare . I was a childminder and naturally expected that my wages went down when child reached preschool age . I could either have accepted that or look for a more FT position. Same for your mother . It would be nice to offer maybe £20 if she does housework. Awkward conversation all round though . Maybe get DH to broach it with her .

She isn't skint if she's going to the pub and on holiday, if you can't afford it you can't afford it. She can do something else with her time. Your husband is being very patient.

I am shocked at how much you are paying her.

I’m surprised she’s continuing to take it OP.

like others have said you need to end it socially as you no longer need it!

could you give her the heads up about term time but perhaps see whether you may need her to help over the holidays 1 day per week (only if you do though).

if she says she needs something to do then she’s still welcome to pop round for a cuppa or you can help her find a job or volunteer role.

I do understand how hard this may be but I couldn’t take money from my kids when they don’t need me.

Also wanted to pick up on that bit.. "My mum keeps saying how skint they are and if I wasn't for my money she would have to get a job"....

This is hilarious.

That's what everyone else has to do.

Why would your mum say that - is it meant as a joke?

Of course she needs to go out to work to pay for her lifestyle.. just like you and most of the rest of us do.

I'm sure we'd all like a few hundred quid for picking up 1 child and doing an hour of optional childcare a day.. and not have to work.. but i can't imagine letting my daughter and her partner work full-time so I can have that! It's mental!