When to stop paying parents for childcare.

@DearLemonMaker Did you figure out how to handle the situation and cut the payments off?

Tell her you are skint and stop paying her, if she wants to help I’m sure she can for free. I would also stop the cleaning it’s making your DH uncomfortable so it should be stopped, let him pick it up if he wants too, he sounds like a patient guy.

Totally agree with your husband- it’s totally mad you are still paying them. Their financial position is down to them and not your responsibility.

After school care and a cleaner would probably be cheaper than what you’re paying your mum by the sounds of it!

I think you do know what to do, or you wouldn't be here. It's time to bring it to an end. That money would be much better used as an investment to benefit you because the current arrangement is no longer balanced enough that everyone is benefiting equally.

Op time to be the adult here you sit her down explain to her the living costs are also effecting you and as from x month you can no longer pay her and she is not expected to do any pick ups or cleaning and your sorry you can’t keep helping out financially. Op expect her to be upset and angry she gave you 6 years of her time. Your dh best stick to that offer of cleaning and school runs because I can’t see your mum ever doing it again.

Ah OP, I can see how this feel so awkward but you are paying so much for an hour of childcare a day that you don't even need...would you even be paying this much if you used an actual childminder?

It is difficult as your mum as expressed they would struggle without your money, and knowing they only have state pensions, but equally it doesn't sound like you're hugely flush yourself either if you are having to go without things/not do things due to this money.

I would absolutely feel awkward as well and I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I do believe your husband isn't wrong in what he feels and tbh I am surprised your mum and dad have continued taking so much money from you once the amount of childcare they are actually doing has reduced so dramatically.

I guess the only caveat would be - how much are they doing in the school holidays? As if they are covering the majority of that for both of your children it may be worth continuing as holidays clubs etc can be very expensive too, especially for 2.

Clearly lots of posters on here do believe that.

I am sure you don't believe that women's work should be free!

I wasn’t sure which way the voting meant, I said you’re not being unreasonable but I meant not unreasonable to end the arrangement.
It’s a totally different ball game - caring for a baby/toddler all day followed by school pick up would’ve cost you a lot more than £500 a month, but she’s not doing that any more. You need to let her know that whilst you’re grateful for her doing it when needed (it suited you both) you can’t afford to carry on.

When you say it’s 400/500 (I’m assuming per month) - why does it fluctuate? Is it because it’s dependent on how many times she does it? Do you pay her more for holidays, or do you not need her then? If you need her for holidays, I’d work out how much childcare would be over school holidays and see if it’s worth cancelling her. If not, does the price change because you’re working out how often she does it, and therefore are you paying a daily/hourly rate?

Hmm regardless, I love spoiling my parents

Your eldest will be starting secondary school in September so use that milestone for a complete reset. You don't need to feel guilty - the reality is that your younger child can go to after school clubs, swimming, cubs/brownies etc instead and/or you picking them up. Your needs have changed as your children have grown up. It is natural. If you mum still wants to earn some money and you can afford it then you could still offer the cleaning but you would need to be clear it's not at the same rate. Definitely with your DH on this one. It needs addressing and the more notice you can give the better. I guess the only issue to consider is holiday care - e.g. how will you manage the school holidays.

I’m totally with your husband, you’re being ridiculous to carry on paying her.

“My parents earned good money when they worked but as self employed they don't have a pension” - that is totally on them and their own foolishness and poor planning not to make sure they were paying into pensions.

As others have said tell her at the end of the school year you'll need to end the arrangement, that gives 3 months notice.

OP is it still 400/500 a month? Because i get that when shes got a toddler all day who needs lunch and tea and nappies etc etc but for an hour after school if its still 400/500 thats excessive. And id be team DH.

I might give her something still especially if shes feeding them their tea, but i think it should reflect the current costs and time shes covering

I think you pay according to the going rates if you hired out.

Giving money for weddings/houses is not just what parents do. A lot don't, or can't.
That doesn't mean they should expect you to pay them forever though. If you asked them to give up their job, that's a different story, but if your mum suggested it, then surely she knew what the situation was going to be-I would guess you discussed it?

Your parents raised you so you could raise your children.

You are now paying out both ends.

You need to stop. I think it’s irrelevant what she spends her money on, but she can earn morn an hour and be better off working full time rather than an hour a day - no doubt not declared

This!! With bells on!!

DH is right.

You are not responsible for their financial irresponsibility. Why didn't they pay into private pensions? Why are they using credit cards? How were they able to afford giving you money towards a deposit? Skint means very different things to different people.

Pay her a market wage per hour of you must, not a random amount. For real work, not for hanging out with the 16 year old. Does your husband feel she does valid work - does he feel that childcare and cleaning should be paid?

So you have given your mum £36,000 to look after her own grandchildren?
I presume cash in hand? Could get complicated

So roughly 22 hours a month for £500?

So over £22 an hour? And she is taking this to look after her grandchild?

They are drinking every night? I hope she doesnt drive with your child in her car.

Skint people do not go out drinking every night with multiple holidays

Yep, I agree with this, giving them until the next school year gives them tons of time and should alleviate your guilt.