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Original poster

If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

291 replies

Wish44 · 12/04/2026 08:58

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

OP posts:
Credittocress · 12/04/2026 22:43

Wish44 · 12/04/2026 22:40

Also not true that only exceptional men get to be with younger women. Someone in my circle has just left his wife of 20 odd years and their two teenage children to be with a woman in her twenties and he is the most un exceptional man ever - we are all completely staggered

Show quote history

I’ll be staggered if they’re together in two years time. Often these young women feel flattered to grab the attention of an older man, and feel validated and powerful when he leaves a wife and kids. Reality soon sets in.

Original poster
Wish44 · 12/04/2026 22:40

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:58

He's only got the time if he's an exceptional man.
Mr Average at his age does not.

There are very few women who'd want to start a family with a man of his age. unless he's exceptional.

And if he's exceptional, he can have adult females of all ages. This does not mean to say he can every woman - of course not! - but he has a broad choice of women from all ages to pick from.

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I enjoy these threads but he's probably just a normal bloke who's happy enough by himself (and good on him if so) but the women in his life can't accept this is possible so he's just defending himself to placate them and get them off his back for a while.

Show quote history

Also not true that only exceptional men get to be with younger women. Someone in my circle has just left his wife of 20 odd years and their two teenage children to be with a woman in her twenties and he is the most un exceptional man ever - we are all completely staggered

OP posts:
Original poster
Wish44 · 12/04/2026 22:36

JHound · 12/04/2026 22:25

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I think this probably is a big distinction between those who can enter into relationships with people they don’t find special and those who can.

Show quote history

Yes I think this is true for him. When we discussed it in the past, when he was dating women who could have children I have at times suggested he just settle so that he can have the family he wants. ( there was definitely an element of me settling with the father of my kids) he says he just can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wish44 · 12/04/2026 22:32

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:58

He's only got the time if he's an exceptional man.
Mr Average at his age does not.

There are very few women who'd want to start a family with a man of his age. unless he's exceptional.

And if he's exceptional, he can have adult females of all ages. This does not mean to say he can every woman - of course not! - but he has a broad choice of women from all ages to pick from.

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I enjoy these threads but he's probably just a normal bloke who's happy enough by himself (and good on him if so) but the women in his life can't accept this is possible so he's just defending himself to placate them and get them off his back for a while.

Show quote history

But that’s not right - we are not on his back. He doesn’t need to defend himself. If he was happy with things then we would be too. He wants to be in a relationship. He tells us often.

OP posts:
JHound · 12/04/2026 22:25

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:58

He's only got the time if he's an exceptional man.
Mr Average at his age does not.

There are very few women who'd want to start a family with a man of his age. unless he's exceptional.

And if he's exceptional, he can have adult females of all ages. This does not mean to say he can every woman - of course not! - but he has a broad choice of women from all ages to pick from.

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I enjoy these threads but he's probably just a normal bloke who's happy enough by himself (and good on him if so) but the women in his life can't accept this is possible so he's just defending himself to placate them and get them off his back for a while.

Show quote history

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I think this probably is a big distinction between those who can enter into relationships with people they don’t find special and those who can.

Original poster
Wish44 · 12/04/2026 22:25

ElleintheWoods · 12/04/2026 18:36

Hmmm yes I do that also. For me the difference between being or not being together is whether you have a sexual relationship, and I don't sleep with these guys, so in my head it's kosher.

Later on it's turned out that some of the guys have thought we were platonically dating. However, I do certainly see many guys simultaneously, in my head they are just friends, nothing more. Some have admitted catching feelings.

I suppose that's my subsititute connection.

In fact, I do know someone that settled later in life!!!

He got to about 60 (in excellent health and shape) and then suddenly had his first child. It did get quite messy with the lady after that though they are together.

Thinking about this particular person:

  • hypercritical of everyone and everything, high achiever, multipotentialite
  • attracted to people who were a very bad match for him! He came from a very pretentious, prominent family, but was often attracted to women from a very different social background or foreign women. I think the highlight was him bringing a call girl to his brother's big birthday garden party - a real life Pretty Woman situation
  • linked to that, he only settled down once both his parents had passed away - I do feel he was afraid of their judgement. His late mother was very judgemental, for example, criticising my accent (in my 4th language) in front of me while speaking about me as though I wasn't there
  • very set in his ways and unwilling to accommodate
  • surrounded by beautiful women, models, actresses - therefore the illusion of unlimited choice

Does your brother have any characteristics that make him uber picky? Maybe a difficult relationship with parents/ someone in his childhood? Or feels like he needs to achieve and/or impress? What does he do for a job?

Does he change other things in his life often, like houses, cars, jobs, style, appearance, hobbies...?

I've become quite invested now!

Show quote history

Nope nothing about him that makes him really picky. In one way he is not picky as he seems to meet tons of women he wants to date- where as for me I don’t meet people I fancy very often but when I do I commit.

He doesn’t change his job or style- really he is totally normal apart from this one thing.

OP posts:
Huckleberries · 12/04/2026 21:57

@QuintadosMalvados ooh this is interesting

What is an exceptional man and what is an average man?

I'm not gonna go on date online or anything, but I think I might want to keep my eye out....

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:58

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 20:32

Because he's a man and he's got the time.

Show quote history

He's only got the time if he's an exceptional man.
Mr Average at his age does not.

There are very few women who'd want to start a family with a man of his age. unless he's exceptional.

And if he's exceptional, he can have adult females of all ages. This does not mean to say he can every woman - of course not! - but he has a broad choice of women from all ages to pick from.

I sound very cynical but it's really liberating when you stop believing in the b. s. that is the one and realise that people only become special during a relationship and not before it.

I enjoy these threads but he's probably just a normal bloke who's happy enough by himself (and good on him if so) but the women in his life can't accept this is possible so he's just defending himself to placate them and get them off his back for a while.

DancingOctopus · 12/04/2026 20:50

A family member met his partner when he was in his 50s. They are both very happy together.
It's never too late. I am sure older people fall in love. 50s isn't all that very old.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 20:32

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:31

Yeah and there's always the element of why hasn't he done this already.

Show quote history

Because he's a man and he's got the time.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 20:32

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 20:22

Maybe, but as a woman pushing 40, serious about kids I wouldn’t waste my time with someone in their 50s. I’d been dicked around by to many future fakers to risk another one.

Show quote history

Yes, but there are women who would.

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:31

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 20:22

Maybe, but as a woman pushing 40, serious about kids I wouldn’t waste my time with someone in their 50s. I’d been dicked around by to many future fakers to risk another one.

Show quote history

Yeah and there's always the element of why hasn't he done this already.

Lalgarh · 12/04/2026 20:29

Future faker is a term I've not heard before but glad I've heard it.

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:28

Sartre · 12/04/2026 20:08

Didn’t Hugh Grant have his first child and get married in his 50s? I think George Clooney did the same thing. It’s very plausible. Will most likely be with someone younger I’d imagine if at all.

You're really talking about outliers here.
Unless OP is about to reveal he's a famous and good-looking rich actor. 😁

Credittocress · 12/04/2026 20:22

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 18:34

It's shit for the women, but it doesn't sound like he can help the way he is. Sounds like it's partly subconscious.

His wife would only need to be 10 years younger as plenty of women are still fertile at 40-43.

Show quote history

Maybe, but as a woman pushing 40, serious about kids I wouldn’t waste my time with someone in their 50s. I’d been dicked around by to many future fakers to risk another one.

Anna20MFG · 12/04/2026 20:21

Maybe have a look online at somw I fo on avoidant attachment in relationships, maybe dismissive avoidant. See if it makes any sense?

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 20:09

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:06

I cant deny that at all but as a group they're not going to be as fertile as the 30-33 year old age group.

Sorry I don't wish to give offence by this.
It's just true that's all.

Show quote history

Yes, of course, not AS fertile, but still can be.

Huckleberries · 12/04/2026 20:08

Is he dating at the moment?

I would like to date an independent man

He sounds like one of my friends who married at fiftyish

He said he wanted to have a family, married a younger woman and then said she didn't want to have children

So blame it on her

Basically, he can't admit that he doesn't want a family and I don't understand why

They're not very happy or at least that's what he says

I think she married him for the money and she's quite happy she dumped her job as soon as they got together.

maybe he will settle down maybe he won't, if he doesn't want to have children, he probably feels he's got all the time in the world.

i've hit the point where I would like to be in bed by 9:30 as well so maybe we should meet!! Lol!!

Sartre · 12/04/2026 20:08

Didn’t Hugh Grant have his first child and get married in his 50s? I think George Clooney did the same thing. It’s very plausible. Will most likely be with someone younger I’d imagine if at all.

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 20:06

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 19:54

"if he's successful, rich etc he could get a woman 20 years younger to have children with."

As I mentioned, he only needs a woman 10 years younger as many women in the 40-43 age group are still fertile.

I cant deny that at all but as a group they're not going to be as fertile as the 30-33 year old age group.

Sorry I don't wish to give offence by this.
It's just true that's all.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 19:54

"if he's successful, rich etc he could get a woman 20 years younger to have children with."

As I mentioned, he only needs a woman 10 years younger as many women in the 40-43 age group are still fertile.

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 19:40

Gwenhwyfar · 12/04/2026 18:30

He hasn't and, being a man, he hasn't missed the boat for children either, which could be one reason why he hasn't dealt with his issues. Women often get therapy for this kind of thing in their 30s because their timeline is different.

Show quote history

He might have.
Depends on him, really, if he's successful, rich etc he could get a woman 20 years younger to have children with.
Which begs the question, why hasn't he already if he's so keen on having a family? Surely time's running out.

If he's Mr Average, no chance.
Or perhaps he's one of these idiots who think men automatically age like fine wine without putting in any effort whatsoever.

Im being too hard on him, perhaps.
Maybe he just doesn't want a relationship and kids full stop and just saying any old shit about the one to get the women in his life off his back cause they can relate to it.

EvieBB · 12/04/2026 19:02

Wish44 · 12/04/2026 08:58

Morning all,

I have a long standing debate with my mum about my brother -

he is in his 50’s now and has been single since his early twenties. He is nearly always in a casual relationship of some sort and sometimes these relationships last for up to two years. We occasionally meet the women and they always seem lovely. However he will never ever enter a committed relationship with them and the relationships end eventually when the women realise that he is never going to commit. He is honest with them with his words but his actions don’t match so it always takes a while to play out.

His take on this is that he has just never meets the right one and never falls in love, he actually says he is sad about this as he wanted a family. My mum totally believes this and spends her life hoping he will meet the one soon. I think he has problems with commitment and will never do it . He had several traumas in his late teens and one in his early twenties that would cause this.

so I am asking the internet has anyone got any experience of being single for a life time ( though choice) and then finding someone they really click with and fall in love with in later life?

you are being unreasonable- it can take until later life to meet the one.

you are not being reasonable- if you want a committed relationship you can find someone to fall in love with.

One of my brothers is very set in his ways - undiagnosed ND (we think aspergers) - he was single all his life (not even a girlfriend on the scene) but to our amazement and happiness he fell in love and married at the age of 52 - they've just celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary and by all accounts are happy. He's still a bit of an arse as he can get easily stressed but has definitely softened around the edges. Miracles do happen :)

maggiesleapp · 12/04/2026 19:01

@Wish44My uncle got married at 62 after a lifetime of relationships some short lived others a year or two. He was the very cool uncle and we all have loads of stories about the fun he brought. It did really settle him down and his wife is lovely, 20 years on obviously not so cool and a few health scares seems very happy.
i know my grandparents despaired of him and would have loved to have seen him settled, but better late than never.

QuintadosMalvados · 12/04/2026 18:49

JHound · 12/04/2026 18:41

He’s not being a piece of shit because of choices those women make. Him being honest and open is mutually exclusive with being a piece of shit.

He is honest and upfront. My friend is currently in a ten year relationship with a man who has been clear from even before they got together that he is never marrying and having children again. Despite this she won’t leave hoping he will change his mind. That does not make him being shit.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes it does.
You know why? Because regardless of how she feels and how foolish she is - and I think she is foolish BTW- the decent thing would be to end it with her so that she could meet someone new.

But I bet it's just too convenient for him to do so.

If I decide to leave a £50 note on the table of the pub when I go to the pub's loo, I am being an idiot, this does NOT negate the fact that if somebody nicks it they're a piece of shit.