If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

You’re wrong.

Or rather you can speak for yourself but you really cannot speak on behalf of all humanity.

I saw somebody explain it as finding the right person entails finding somebody:

1. You fancy
2. Has qualities you admire
3. Has flaws you can overlook in the long term
4. Is available
5. Has reciprocal feelings towards you.

Having all those line up takes a lot of luck and it’s weird you cannot even imagine that. For me all the above would make the “right” person (or persons) but that never happened.

(Of course if somebody aggressively dates to try and find all the above that will help their luck but if you loathe active dating then you are out of luck.)

Of course, some people in relationships have issues. I never said the opposite.

Some of the people with the biggest issues that I know are in relationships (whether one long term one or a succession of shorter ones). Being single doesn’t mean you have issues at all.

Yes, but for others, they may meet fewer people in their lives and still the right person will appear to them because their patterns from childhood lead them to match more easily. Some people have more than one 'the one' whereas others cannot commit to anyone. It's not just luck. At 30, it might be, but not at 50.

True. My friend was 40 when she had her baby. In her NCT class in London, there were mostly older parents and they were all middle class and wealthy.

Agree to disagree.

I think luck plays a huge part in not finding the right person and some people are simply unlucky in that respect.

I can say for me 100% it’s simply not meeting the right person. No issues to work through, no attachment issues just not ever meeting a compatible person with a mutual desire to be with each other long term.

(To be clear I am talking about the right person. Obviously if you are happy to be with anybody it’s easier.)

But as I said if you meet compatible people easily it’s hard to understand those who do not.

What is your source for the fact that most women are attracted to these qualities? And why does simply being in a minority make a man exceptional? A minority of men are below 5ft and a minority have been to jail, does that mean men who posses these are exceptional?

I am sure these make a man exceptional to you but it’s still incredibly superficial. I would never view as “exceptional” a rich arsehole.

Anyway I was not being the moral police. I was simply saying that all your criteria for what makes a man exceptional are superficial.

And that’s factually accurate.

Well after a certain age, there really is more to it than not meeting the right person. Most older long-term singles do have some issues to work through. I know this will annoy some people, but it's true in my experience.

I do know someone like this. He did finally meet the "one" and got married in his very late 50s.

He's now retired with a 1 year old. I hope he's happy but looking at him, I really don't think he is.

Or where there aren't many older fathers. Go to any area with older fathers and you'll see them. They do tend to be educated and somewhat middle class, but nothing more than that.

Agree. I’ve met loads of older dads with younger wives and none of them are remotely exceptional. They really are just run of the mill guys. Maybe the pp moves in circles where women have really high standards or something.

This is just not true. Haven't you met any older fathers? They're quite normal. They're not all Hugh Grant.

I’d say moral integrity, trustworthiness and decency are actually the least that most women want to accept. If when asked what the man brings to the table, they answer that they’re trustworthy- I would have said that should be a given and is a pretty low bar

They are exceptional in the sense that the vast majority of men do not possess these qualities and most women of all ages are attracted to these qualities.

I'm not going to argue about it: it is what it is.
There's no point you being all moral police to me about it. It's not a gotcha moment.

If a rich, successful, handsome, charismatic good-looking man walks into a room most women (myself included) will be looking at him not average height Dave from accounts.

Moral integrity, trustworthiness and decency are of course desirable but unless a man is attractive enough to get a woman to the point where she wants to get to know him deeper they're useless in the relationship game.

So only superficial things make a man “exceptional” to you.

Some do (both people I know, and those I have heard about). It used to be more common for men, as they often didn't bother about starting a family as early etc.

I’m quite interested in the seemingly large number of men in their late 50s/60s getting married for the first time. I suspect that love / partnership goals and logistics look different for that chapter of life. Maybe their mother has died and they need someone else to care for them. Or their social life has tamed and it’s lonely being indoors.

@Wish44that’s lovely that your brother has built nice relationships with his nieces and nephews. I am very close to one of my bachelor uncles - have always done fun day trips with him as do my siblings and cousins now as adults.

Rich, very good-looking, charming, famous, high earner that sort of thing.

Happiness and contentment, of course, comes in many different forms. It’s not solely available through marriage and children. If it’s marriage your brother wants then it’s not impossible - Cupid can strike at any age! But as others have said, he might find it hard after decades of what is essentially a single life, to sharing everything with another person. And it’s unlikely he’d find someone who was still young enough (and willing!) to bear children.

i hope your mum can find peace knowing her son can be happy in his current state.

I didn't vote

But much as I understand relationships have to develop and you have to be in that relationship to know how it's going to be

I think it's a hell of a risk to go for forever without being sure. I don't really understand what you're asking him to do. Just commit to one of these women,going oh I'm sure that'll be fine

If he's waiting till he feels like he's met the one I totally get it

It is an individual thing but at this stage I doubt your brother will have a family. Its possible he'll marry but I wouldn't bet on it. Man I know who are single or who have a series of short term relationships well into middle age never committing tend to stay that way with expectations getting ever more unrealistic.

How involved with his neices and nephews has he been?

I’m like your brother. I just can’t. I have friends who are with men they find “meh” and would have no time for in most circumstances but really wanted kids so just settled for somebody they thought would be a good dad.

A former colleague told me before marrying her then husband that she doesn’t particularly have strong feelings for him and does not get the same feeling as when other women talk excitedly about their weddings. She said her husband could “be any many on the planet really”.

She is happy to be a mother and to be A wife but I couldn’t do it. I ended up foregoing kids instead.