If you haven’t done it by 50 you never will.

I'm guessing you are in a relationship 🙄

His actions aren't matching this though.

Or at least, he may want a family and a partner, but not enough to actively prioritise making it happen, and not enough to "settle" for someone he doesn't have deep feelings for. This is to his immense credit.

If having a family and partner was a priority to him, he wouldn't be dating a 40-something with children at all!

Have you ever set him up with anyone?

Has he tried therapy?

Whrn I’m with a new partner I usually meet a friend of theirs who would ‘love to be with someone’ and there’s usually screamingly obvious issues. However, most of us have issues and still manage to partner up. There could easily still come a point where his reluctance/suspicion drops just enough to let someone in.

My brother met someone on the internet in his late 40s and they got married. They’re both nearing 60 now and still together. She’s totally different in every way to anyone he’s ever dated and I think once he opened his heart to different people, it just clicked. That’s not being detrimental to her, she’s absolutely lovely, but we’re all attracted to certain types or looks, whether we admit or not. Sure they met too late, they feel, to have kids…something my brother always thought he would have, but it just didn’t work out that way.

I have an adult son who hasn’t had a serious relationship in nearly 10 years. He desperately wants one, he desperately wants a family and he desperately wants “ the dream”. It makes me very sad that he feels like this and that he feels alone in the world, but he’s also looking for perfection. He’s jaded by friends who partners have left them through infidelity, not earning enough money, not being a man apparently in various ways. He wants perfection. I’m tired of talking about it with him. At his age, it’s his life and his decision. I’ve tried explaining to him that not everyone gets that massive bump on the head, lovestruck scenario, a room where your eyes meet and instantly fall in love….that some relationships need friendship and time….but he’s not having it. So be it.

tbh with your brother, I’m not sure he is really sad and desperately wants a family. I think theyre just lines to spin you all. A man at 50 with no serious relationship under his belt, really can’t be interested in that. Sure he might have felt life has passed him by….and he’s using these phrases to badly express that….but if that’s truly truly truly what he wanted, someone would “have done “ by now.

tbh I think your mum needs to let him get on with it. No one wants their child alone in the world or taking on life without a partner. It’s sad whatever age your child is. Equally at 50 it’s got to be your brothers decision. not that your mum can do anything about it, I realise that, but I just don’t see the point in your mum worrying about it. He’s got to 50. He must be fairly settled in other ways…job? Accommodation?

His fascination with "younger = better" is not the sign of emotional maturity, unfortunately.

Any idea what he is actually looking for in a partner?

Does he know?

It sounds as though he is easily distracted by the potential for "doing better" elsewhere!

Sign him up for MAFS 🤣

Wants kids/family - but so afraid of being tied down that he introduces girlfriends as friends?
What your brother says and what he does are two completely different things.
I’ve think the problem for men is that they are still physically able to reproduce into old age so the option is never completely removed.
He sounds inherently selfish (I don’t mean that judgementally, just that, by now, he’s used to doing things his own way). And that’s fine, but not conducive to the huge amounts compromise it takes to build a family unit.

It’s not unheard of especially nowadays to meet someone later, besides if he doesn’t better alone than with the wrong person .
I got married and had children in my early 20s , my brother got married and had children mid forties. Both through choice. He fasted plenty just never felt the need for children or setting down before then .

It doesn't mean he won't find someone to be in a committed relationship with. My mum and her partner live separately. They've been together for 15 years.
However, I also think you are right. There is no such thing as "the one". Your brother has a very juvenile way of thinking about the relationship if that's what he hopes for. You chose who "the one" is going to be and you continue to make that choice every day.

Does this mean he is only considering significantly younger women? If so, I think this is likely to reduce his odds of success a lot...

Setting up in a new home with someone will become harder( and costly) as he gets older.
Perhaps he is very choosy. And awaiting some sort of perfect partner. Who won’t exist.

Is he happy leading this life? If so, let him be. If he was so concerned about having children he could have easily settled for one of these “ lovely women” it doesn’t sound like children were/are his priority. Lots of people are like this. My cousin is highly ambitious, excelling at work, happy with having lots of male “ friends” to travel the world with. If asked by older members of our family if she would like children she says “ oh yes, that’d be nice if I met the one” but in reality it’s the furthest thing from her mind. She just says that to ease the social pressure of being child free by choice.

Of course it's possible. I have a friend who has a met a guy and he has always been single, no kids etc. He apparently never met the right person to marry, but they have been together a few years now and are currently planning to move in together. They're too late to have children together of course, but she has an adult daughter from a previous marriage.

So my sister met her partner just before the pandemic, she had recently divorced her husband of 20 years and had two sons in their late teens
He had two daughters from two mothers ,both daughters were in their 20,s with about 6 years between ,
His relationship with both mothers lasted 2/3 years so not long term
He remained an involved father to both daughters, and was on amicable terms with their mothers
I think he was 54 when he met my sister
They seem very happy together and committed .

I'm sure he wants a family in the same way my 3 year old wants a cat.

My DB got married for the first time age 53 to first long term girlfriend. It can happen.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

It sounds like he's dealt with the trauma on a personal level in that he's happy in his own skin and with his life in general (and this is infinitely more important than whether he finds a partner).

But all our life events shape us and they shape the kind of people we want to share our lives with. I wouldn't call my childhood traumatic per se (though others might) but it wasn't ideal and I'm NC with my parents. DP also has a strained relationship with his parents and the fact that we both "got" that about each other was a significant reason we felt able to be vulnerable with each other (rather than the avoidant detachment with which I'd previously approached relationships).

So there may not be a direct, conscious link between his trauma and his relationships. But it's natural that he'll only feel able to truly be himself around someone who understands what he's been through, and perhaps has been through similar herself.

Having said that, it's also natural that he'd feel annoyed at his approach to relationships being linked to his trauma. He's not actually doing anything wrong or weird. It's fine to just be into casual relationships. It doesn't sound like he's desperate to find "the one", so he's not actually doing anything that requires deeper analysis. Let him be!

What do you mean he is honest with his words but his actions don’t match?

I was my late OHs first real girlfriend, we met when he was 45 and ended up together for 15 years before he died. His family had given up on him ever finding someone (and we're convinced he was gay).

Sometimes it does happen, but his brother in the same situation died alone. Hope for the best for him, but prepare as if it won't.