to think some women feel entitled to free childcare from their DM/MILs just because they had help themselves?

I don’t expect ‘help’ as such (my parents have never had my children overnight or even for a day) but I do expect consistency and genuine interest. If you only check in with your grandkids once a month—often to point out that you haven’t seen them, despite it being your first attempt to arrange something in weeks—and only after everything else in your social calendar, then it’s hard to prioritise that relationship or build a meaningful bond.
I’ll make plans that work best for my children, matching the same level of effort. Sometimes that means choosing something they genuinely enjoy rather than visiting out of obligation. It adds another layer of complexity when your children are neurodivergent and there isn’t a willingness to meet them halfway—such as choosing an environment they feel comfortable in.
Relationships go both ways, and effort matters.

It’s just a fact that if you do childcare, the relationship will probably be closer.

We are very lucky that my in laws do 2 days a week of childcare for my youngest (and did 1 day a week for my eldest before she started school). We didn’t ask for or expect this, they offered.
My parents moved 6 hrs away a couple of years ago (totally fine of course), but now whinge that my DC aren’t as close to them as they are to my in laws. Even when they lived nearer, they weren’t going to spend two full days with our DC, and without us, every week. So obviously the relationship will be different. That’s not because I’m transactional, or trying to punish them with “well if you won’t do childcare you won’t have as close a relationship”. Any loving grandparent who spends two days a week with a toddler is going to have a closer relationship than a loving grandparent who sees them once every couple of months.

I don’t think anyone should feel entitled to childcare. And no grandparents should be pressured into it. But I could do without my mother whining about the relationship.

No, it’s the reality of free time. If you do childcare then you will be seeing that child regularly. If you don’t want to do childcare then you are going to see the children as part of their family unit- with most parents working that leaves 8 weekend days a month of free time to see 2 sets of grandparents, friends, family and do various clubs or activities.

It isn’t transactional to say if you only want to see the kids on one of the 8 free days you will likely see them less than the grandparent who has committed to one day a week childcare.

Maybe that is your experience. My own Dad is pressured by my sister to do all school drop offs and pick ups for my nieces as he is older than my mum and retired whereas Mum still works full time.

Why does what other people choose to do in their own families bother you? All parties in the arrangement are adults and can decide for themselves.

to think some women feel entitled to free childcare from their DM/MILs just because they had help themselves?

The question you asked was specifically about women.

This exactly. ‘We haven’t seen little Timmy for weeks, my neighbour Mandy gets to see her grandchildren all the time, my GC barely know who I am’!

Well, Mandy looks after her Grandchildren so she’s going to see them more regularly! It’s frustrating when GPs expect a close relationship without putting in any effort.

Approximately 40% of women aged 50–64 work full-time in the UK, with this demographic significantly more likely to work part-time compared to men. While over-50s employment has hit record highs, women in this age group are three times more likely to work part-time (28%) than men (9%)

More women over 50 work part time compared men. Is it sexism or a recognition of free time and capacity within families

I didn’t expect childcare from my children’s grandparents. I assumed they’d go into full time childcare as soon as I went back to work.

But after mat leave for my first baby, their grandparents immediately stepped in to offer childcare full time, which has been so beneficial for my children. I want to try to offer the same to my children when the time comes, if I can.

My grandparents on one side were overseas and my English grandfather died in WW2. My Grandmother lived in another county and I didn’t even meet her till I was 8. My Mother received no help and neither did I. The women in my family always worked, my Grandmother was in the military, then a driver and then a housekeeper for a very wealthy family at a ‘ big house’. Her Mother, my great grandmother had helped run the factory her husband had owned. They were wealthy and had multiple servants, my Mother remembered visiting them as a child in the early thirties. Family money lost on both sides sadly.

I will help if able but I’m not going to be like my sister who did so much it was to the detriment of her own life. She was in her fifties working evenings mainly and doing almost FT childcare at some points.

I only had one set of GP’s and they lived too far away for help. We’d see them in the school holidays.
They didn’t provide childcare on a regular basis (though we’d stay with them in holidays for a night or two as a treat).

Hmm. I'm 65. DS and DIL, early 30s have a baby on the way.

Mother had me aged 23. My grandparents shouldered a huge amount of informal childcare from theor late 40s/50s. Let's say mother wasn't born with a many maternal instincts. Notably my grandparents worked albeit self employed with a farm and family businesses. I was the second child they couldn't have. Mother was never fully cognizant of the freedom they afforded her.

DH and I were mid thirties when our DC were born mid to late 90s. We had no formal grandparent help at all. We had to pay for it.

DS and DIL are on another Continent and I don't know if they will live in the UK again. Their careers are more portfolio based than ours were and they will be able to condense hours to free a day a week for childcare and reduce their childcare bills.

DD is likely to have DC closer to home but in Europe rather than the UK. Far more traditional professional roles but I suspect DD will stop working.

Both children have had significant financial support.

DH and I are still working, because we like work, although I am semi-retired. When we retire, we will have worked for 80 years between us and no, we will not be providing formal or regular childcare. Apart from the fact rhat if there are, hopefully, three or four grandchildren, at approaching 70, I doubt we'll have the stamina to properly look after under fives. This has been made clear to both children.

Obviously we will help in emergencies and babysitting but it will likely take us 48 hours to get to DS and DIL, knackered after a long flight, and probably 6-8 hours to get to DD from getting the call and onto a scheduled flight.

Finally, when our DC were under 5, mother was caring for her parents. Similarly DH and I presently have responsibilities for our 90 year old mothers. Who have always respectively lived 240 and 100 miles away from us. Most of our friends/DCs friends did not have grandparents on hand because mostly people had moved to London for work and grandparents were people who were visited in the holidays or who came to stay occasionally.

I have no words for how much bollocks this statement is.

You are completely ignoring the fact that for families to have a SAHM that woman gave up her career and ability to pay into a pension

She must work until she is 67 to get SP. She is also living in current economic times where one income isn’t enough. She has to work and isn’t available for childcare. Maybe her husband is though?

My son’s MIL did all of their childcare as she worked part time and loved having them. I did the childcare for my daughter’s DD . Then my poor DIL died of breast cancer when DGD was only 4 so I stepped up and looked after my 2 DGC when mum worked part time .
Ten years later I’m still looking after my DGD 3 days a week while her mum works .
DGD has autism and is a school refuser . She is old enough to be on her own but is too anxious to cope so I go round to sit with her . She needs no care but just needs me to be there . She also won’t stay with anyone else .plans are being put in place to get her into a special school so hopefully my hours will reduce soon .

@Givinguponmyhair

i disagree, I have young adult dc considering children currently, they will get substantial help with childcare fees through tax free childcare and the paid for hours, I got zero help. It was 2/3 of my modest salary then, just like now, except they get effectively a subsidy. A flat then was 6-8 x my salary , same now … our dc know we will be available for occasional babysitting eg so they can go out to a wedding or occasional date night but not regular childcare nor every weekend because we have lives too, I have done my 15+ years of not going out due to children, now I’m free.