Sex or not to sex…

I think it's because the relationship starts out with sex being something that both halves of the couple are aware isn't mutually desired or pleasurable. It becomes something that is tolerated by the woman in exchange for the man's commitment. They're both aware of it on some level and they allow things to continue on this path because they both get what they need for now.

Fast forward to their 40s, the woman has also had kids now, that's taken a toll, she's been "giving him" sex for years. She's over putting up with something that was only ever tolerable for her. Understandably. There is less incentive to do something that isn't mutually pleasurable.

At least half of this is caused by men being terrible lovers to women.

As someone who is British and has lived abroad in three other continents, I find some British women’s attitude to sex in later life so tiresome in how “strident” and unequivocal the views are .

Mumsnet is full of people who are very vocal about how they’ve had enough of all that “huffing and puffing” and that at mid 40s, they’d rather have a cup of tea.

They never ever say if their DH is ok with that, or whether they feel there’s anything worthwhile in trying to reconnect.

As a feminist myself I believe no one should have sex if they don’t want to.

However I also believe it’s down to ourselves to actually be in touch with this side of our identity, properly , instead of lurching around nightclubs in our mid 20s loving the attention, and then suddenly realising two decades later that we never really understood who we are or what we want.

It’s just so weird to me in this country how little confidence so many of us have, to actually be open about being sexual beings or wanting to have that identity in later life.

If you say you desire more in your 50s on here, as a woman, you get absolutely shouted down by those saying “no way I’d rather have a cup of tea”.

So are all your DHs happy with that? Really?

I was in a sexless relationship once and it was very lonely.

In my current relationship we have sex and intimacy regularly and I much prefer it.

If you're both happy to be sexless, then great. If not then please be honest with him so he can move on if it isn't how he wants to spend the rest of his life.

That doesn't answer the question though about how he feels.

Indeed. Equally, no one should ever remain in a sexless relationship, feel obliged to remain in a sexless relationship, or be pressured to remain in a sexless relationship, if they don't want it.

Nice thread. Genuinely.

Nice to see posters feeling free to say that sometimes sex can be something you do/give (in a long term loving relationship) even if you weren't particularly in the mood ...

Like making them a cup of tea even if you don't fancy one yourself 🤣

I don't think anyone is talking about a 'swing from the chandelier' type session with fake ooohing and ahhhing. It's more like the times when it's an extra long cuddle to scratch an itch 😊

Having said that, i find my DH fucking gorgeous and the sight of him naked still takes my breath away even after 20 years together (and he's my 2nd H, i'm mid 50s) i still get butterflies when he touches me and i can't go more than 3/4 days without a hearty shag! 😃

Exactly! I chose unhappy sexlessness for years for such reasons, but there was much more wrong with the relationship, so I did eventually end it. And, it was the best decision I've made in my life. That's also why I was surprised to hear the OP describe their sexless relationship as subject of a 'running joke' between them. As you say, I don't think one can speak on behalf of their partner in these situations.

Or if they've been presented with a fait accompli then they pretty much have to accept it, or split a family up/leave a person they love/start again in middle age - some people might well choose unhappy sexlessness over those options.

And I don't think the person who has embraced sexlessness can genuinely speak on behalf of their partner about their feelings on the matter.

In my experience one never really knows what is going on in inside a relationship. I was part of one of those seemingly 'devoted' couples for 20 years. The inside was a dysfunctional sexless intimacy-free mess. These couples might well be sexless, and one of them might think this is fine. Their other halves may be getting it elsewhere (with or without their spouse's consent) or have one foot out of the door.

I think it’s fine to not want it any more as long as you’re open and honest with your partner about how you really feel. If you honestly feel like you’d be ok never having sex again he deserves to know. If he’s happy with it then that’s great if not that’s another conversation

I cannot imagine knowing with any certainty at all about the sex lives of five separate couples. If I found myself in a situation where 2 friends were talking about their sexless marriages I would probably say "yes me too" as a means of moving the horrific conversation on to a completely different subject asap.

All your posts are about how YOU are loving your non-sexuality. Which is great for you! No one should have sex they don't want to have. The best way to go about not having sex is to be single.

None of your posts are about how your partner feels about the prospect of a sexless relationship from his 40s on to the end of his life. If he's as enthusiastic about celibacy as you are, that's great for both of you - what a good match you are.

I suspect that this isn't the case and the real relationship-killer isn't just that you don't want to have sex with him, it's that you're so blase about rejecting him. If DP's sex drive vanished tomorrow with no clear reason I would actually expect him to do something about it rather than going, oh well, a sexless relationship it is then. If my sex drive vanished tomorrow I would definitely be worried and seek to get it back. (This is different from the dry spells most couples probably go through that are due to things like health, stress and so on.)

Also "I want all male attention to fuck off" is a grand thing to say about assorted random creeps, sleazes and harassers. It's supremely twatty thing to lump your partner in with those men.

@Tiillytubby I think it's natural to stop wanting sex at some point as we age, and that point in time will be different for everyone. I also think it's natural and very healthy to have separate bedrooms at a certain point, because as we get older we can have very different sleep patterns, become snorers and such like. I love having my own room and have zero interest in sex after several long relationships and lots of fulfilling sex. I'm f68.

Best have that conversation with him otherwise you will simply not be compatible as a couple if you both want different things.

In my experience if there is a mismatch is sexual desire, this isn't usually something that is a 'running joke' between the partners. Even if it appears that way, for the person being rejected there will be underlying resentment there.
Its obviously fine to decide you are done with sex. If your partner is okay with it being mostly off the table, then that's fine and dandy. If your partner is not fine with it, that is not a healthy situation and will not lead anywhere good. Not sure if this is the case, or it is just the tone of your responses, but you don't seem too bothered that he may want more or to be willing to consider what you can do to address the mismatch? If that is true, then the real issue may not be the sexlessness but the fact that you are less than considerate about his needs in the relationship.

You made it depressing!

Literally both of us want to but cant. However i still love my DH its just this one thing

I’ve talked to many many women over the years and I think what you describe op is more common than people make out. I think as women get older, especially those going through the menopause, sex is low priority or even just another boring chore.

I personally know five middle aged (devoted) couples who don’t have sex any more but still have full lives of travel, friends, hobbies etc. So sexless marriages definitely aren’t unusual imo.

Sex is not the be all and end all.

This is not a problem if your DH also feels done with sex or doesn't fancy it very often. But are you clear that's the case, or perhaps don't want to say it that plainly to him? For many men, sex is how they feel connected to and loved by their partner. And that's the same for some women too. Please just have an honest and open conversation with your husband about this and be clear how he feels, because I know several of DP's friends are devastated that their partners no longer want to have a physical relationship. If sex is very important to him then you may feel you want to work with him on this. I found this article made very good analogies, eg if you like talking about feelings but he doesn't, you would probably still want him to talk to you about that. https://www.drpsychmom.com/2020/01/12/when-women-consider-physical-touch-to-be-a-less-real-or-important-love-language/ When Women Consider Physical Touch To Be A Less Real or Important Love Language

Read up on Responsive Desire. As women grow older, it is normal not to feel any spontaneous desire where you feel the urge for sex just out of nowhere. It is more typical to have responsive desire, which means that if your partner initiates, puts the effort in and gets you in the mood, you will enjoy sex - you just wouldn't go out of your way to get it. Dr Whiten argues this is normal for middle-aged women. https://www.drpsychmom.com/responsive-desire-in-women-if-youre-never-in-the-mood-thats-normal/

I have been thinking about this a lot lately as a lot of my friends are just doing the bare minimum sexing so they can stay married. They don’t want it with their husbands.

I can’t be the only one thinking this is awful carry on. These same women would look down on sex workers, but aren’t they doing the same thing?

It’s unnatural.

“Pick your hard”🤣🤣
each to their own OP, if you’re both happy then fair enough!

You’re not unreasonable however that doesn’t make it ‘normal’

I feel the same. He never says anything to me but I feel bad for him but the fact is that I am happy with it like you. No desire to have sex at all