Sex or not to sex…

I seem to remember it was Esther Perel who talked about more women having responsive desire rather than active. In other words, once they started, they enjoyed it, but they weren't walking around in a state of lust all the time. More men are actively desiring it, more women are responsively desiring it. Or something like that anyway.

There's a lot you can do to improve vaginal health, not just use oestrogen pessaries, as you go into peri, meno and out the other side. I'm sure lots of people go off sex at this stage as it becomes uncomfortable and there's less moisture so you feel that must reflect how you feel. Moisturising every day, using feminine devices (Google Halle Berry's one if you don't know the one I'm talking about, something like Issivia?), pelvic floor exercises, it's like all muscles as we age, it's not time-consuming. My vag is the best exercised bit of me!

Or, like going to a party and sitting in the corner ignoring everyone then wondering why you didn't enjoy yourself.

I remember Catlin Moran writing about bad sex where a woman never orgasms and the man always does as like always going to other people’s birthday parties but never having one of your own. I really like that analogy!

I totally agree with all of this.

Threads like this make me feel like I must be an absolute weirdo for not wanting to embrace full celibacy at the ancient age of 44.

I am completely asexual post menopause but I wouldnt expect a partner to live in a sexless marriage unless he was happy with that. The fact you say he can just leave if he doesnt like it makes me wonder if you love him at all.

I also don't like categories. I went through a early menopause and completely lost my sex drive at around 44. I finished a, not great, relationship and stayed single. At 52 I started to get my sex drive back and got into a relationship. We are both nearly 60 and not ready for less than twice a week, but usually more. I embrace each stage and I'm looking forward to my 60s, my childcare as a GM will tail off. But I'll never categorise myself. My single sister tried to tell me that I'm someone who likes to be in a relationship, but I've been happily single (with and without fuckbuddies) for years at a time. The beauty about aging is that you don't have to make long term plans, in the way you do if younger and ttc/house buying/moving jobs etc.

If you really ‘wanted all male attention to fuck right off’, you wouldn’t be going on about your partner and how much you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life with him. You might not want sexual attention, but you clearly want romantic attention.

You’ve just decided that you’re somehow on a higher spiritual plane to women who enjoy a damn good fuck and don’t define themselves by narrow age/gender stereotypes that are not remotely about women’s ’power’ but were, and still are, about shoving women into arbitrary categories based on their breeding status, like farm animals.

I had a massive surge in my mid to late 40s and I put that down to my body telling me it was the last chance saloon! It was great. DH was exhausted! 🤣

very genuinely as I really am curious - did you ever have a higher libido? I ask because oftentimes people who say they don't miss sex also say that they never liked it that much to begin with. So I have wondered if that's most of those people, or if there's a significant group who had a higher libido, lost it and don't miss it if that makes sense.

Yes, this is me. I had a very high libido as a young woman- from my late teens up to late 20s so quite a small period of time really. But yes, during that phase, I had a very high drive. In retrospect, presumably that was my hormones trying to get me to reproduce.

I did indeed reproduce and the libido certainly waned in pregnancy and post birth. And then it never really came back. I’m late 40s now and would happily never have sex again. I have fond memories of my high libido phase but I don’t miss it or wish I could get it back. I find the thought of sex comical/bizarre rather than arousing.

No sex life means friendship. I don’t want a friend, I want a husband .

As a young adult I loved nightclubs, being up late, and really enjoyed sex. None of those things are of interest to me any more and I don't miss them now mid 40s (thankfully divorced for the last few years). I'm perfectly happy to know others do but to me they all sound like far too much energy 🤣

I have several female relatives that have been single for decades and when I was younger I thought that was so sad. Now I totally get it - not crones at all but confident, strong, happy single/divorced/widowed women with really fun and adventurous lives.

My married friends are increasingly miserable it seems in their 40s. Mismatched sex drives is regularly an issue mentioned. I have had so much negativity to me not dating again. It seems to almost offend some people that I am happy single. We should be more open minded about the circumstances that work for different peolle.

Please stop saying 'crone', even lightheartedly it is an appalling term.

Having a low sex drive is fine, obviously. As long as your dp is happy at not being physically desired. Thing is, those people put up with it until an enthusiastic third party comes along then all bets are off. If you're happy with that risk, great. Please read the relationships board for how these things tend to pan out.

Imo relationships are like everything in life the more you invest the better they are and intimacy is a big part of a good, healthy relationship.

Yes 40s has been my best decade by far sexually. Mother into crone?? 😂

I wouldn't mindlessly agree to go along with anything, nor ever advise anyone to, but it's evident that many people do.

Illnesses are not what we're talking about. I've had dry spells because of health. I'm aware conditions exist that will take sex off the table. That's different from shutting up shop just because, and expecting your partner to be OK with that.

I'm grateful that my friends and colleagues (!!!!) have better boundaries than yours, anyway. I don't know where I'd put my face if a friend randomly told me over coffee about her sex life. At least have the decency to do it over a glass of wine. Also, you have no idea what her husband feels about it, no matter what brave face he puts on in public.

The idea of a workplace where my colleagues' historic CSA and current sex lives are topics of discussion makes me want to call HR. Good fucking god.

For some women, especially in the past, it wasnt "awful sex", it was "the only sex they've known". I think that is a factor.

Even now where premarital sex is a norm, the orgasm/pleasure gap exists. So someone could have had a series of horrendous lovers and then found one that was merely awful. That seemed the most tolerable.

I truly don't understand how a relationship can even last a few months based on such a poor start, let alone get all the way to marriage and kids. Why would you stay with a terrible lover? Why would you tolerate sex you don't want? Is a man's commitment worth all of that?

Everything about this mindset is awful really.

Not more important but equally as important. It's his marriage too.

It's a great and honest thread. I think it's only the 'running joke' thing that rings some alarm bells for me OP. You are clearly very comfortable with your own position on this - your sexual desire appears to have just ceased. So you'll accept maintenance sex once a month or so. Is that sustainable in the very long term for both you and your DH? If your genuine desire is to never have sex again, can you accept the current set up? It will stop feeling like a joke at some point.

Im not speaking about relationships where there is still.mutual sexual desire. I am.talking about the many where there is not and some see it as totally normal and to be expected. They know someone can only tolerate something for so long.

Ryan Gosling does nothing for me!

Why are his feelings more important?

Why would you mindlessly agree to go along with something?

These are separate people I’ve known over a lifetime and it has come up over the years. The conversations were not ‘horrific’. They were the kind of deep chat you have with close mates.

One particularly energetic, attractive and loving couple were a real surprise to me - the wife just told me one day out of the blue over a coffee that she’d told her DH she’d shut up shop and that was it. He is like a puppy around her so had presumably gone along with it. They continue skipping around like a pair of teenagers.

Two of the couples are dealing with illnesses. I know from hints and various comments that sex is unlikely.

Another two of the women are close colleagues and said it in passing one day when we were talking about marriages (both women hated sex, one as a result of CSA, the other found it ‘messy’ - the messy one troupered on for the sake of her marriage but recently admitted that her DH now had ED and it was a relief to her that she no longer had to put out).

These are all real scenarios and if I extrapolate that out from other snippets of conversations with women over the years, there will be many more who could happily live without it.

Tolerated by women? I love the sexual side to my marriage.I am 55 and post menopause. I have no plans to give it up.