AIBU to feel hurt being kept secret by close friends?

I feel like this post is trying to stir up a bit of dog whistle racism. Surely if you’re this good friends with them you would know a bit about the culture they’re from and their background. Coming on here with the faux innocence saying surely my friends are not racist towards me doesn’t ring true so much with me.

Op are you very young?

Either way… I can’t possibly conceive how low your self esteem must be that you have sucked this up for so long.

End this daft relationship; invest in some therapy; find other friends (because I know you refer to other friends but I’m skeptical)

Exactly!
OP is falling over herself trying to justify completely unacceptable behaviour and views. No wonder she feels horribly uncomfortable. And then she's blaming herself for being "oversensitive"!

Genuine worthwhile friendships have no reason to be kept a secret.

They probably prefer to keep work/outside life separate to home lives.

Whatever the reason, it doesnt seem like it's real friendship on their part.

Your problem here is mainly that you have tried hard to be accepting of a misogynistic (and racist, by the sounds of it) culture and in doing so you endorse it and help support it.

I agree.

It seems quite strange to me. I am not a young person, am retired, but lived and worked amongst people of all races and cultures, many of whom became friends, and have never experienced that. I've visited, they visited me, I've been to family gatherings and weddings. My race, or theirs, has never been a problem.

I think it is just these particular friends of yours, not a general thing.

I suppose you’ve shown them you’re fine with them treating you as some kind of dirty secret because of your sex and skin colour. It’s up to you to decide if you are.

Why are you still hanging out with these spineless dickheads?

Whoa you are truly unhinged.
You come across as WAY more psychotic than anything you're stating the OP is.
Think it might be time for a nap. Are your parents home? Do they know you're online trying to awkwardly bully people?

Luckily the OP can see your crazy from there so it's not worrying her but honestly. You've made shit up and now you're banging on at her based on a story YOU crated rather than what she is telling you in typed words. Perhaps you have an issue with comprehension indicating more reason to log off...

Hope you get the help you need before its too late.

It is racist and it is sexist. I don't know why you are making excuses for them. Just because it is a culture of racism and sexism doesn't excuse it.

Is it seen as not ok for them to hang out with a woman, no matter her background?

Do they socialise with women from their own culture?

You think you're oversensitive? I think you have the skin of rhino, to be honest. This is absolutely horrifying. These are possibly the shittiest friends I've ever heard of. You're literally not good enough for them to be seen with you, what a bunch of pathetic cowards.

I'm white and I'm friends with quite a few Muslim men. I think the difference between me and you is that I'm married and older than them so I can be excused and treated as an auntie. Even so I still get looks and people (strangers) comment and ask who the gora is. It's a shame that culture/religion prevents people from having true friendships but it sounds as though the pressure would be too much for them to be open. The fact that they go out of their way to maintain contact shows that they want and value your friendship and contact with you. I think you either have to accept the external limitations that culture and religion place on your friendship or call it a day. Sorry.

Treat people how you'd like to be treated. You'd (I would hope!) never treat a friend as a secret because of the way they look, so I wouldn't expect it in return.

It really is time people just accepted each other regardless of skin colour, culture, religion. What a much better world it would be, unrecognisable in fact.

In my case and experience of this many years ago I’m white English female. They were not, hence it’s not ok to socialise with me. It will be the same for the poor OP and is very sad as you should all be able to be friends without cultural stuff dictating otherwise.c

I can't work out which way round this would be in terms of race and colour. Whatever, it's totally unacceptable. These people are adults. How is anything ever to change if grown professional adults pander to this nonsense?

I do, I have experience of this. It’s ok to work with you as there’s little contact or study. It is not ok to socialise with you at all though. Very sad.

Op you are female they are male and met at uni?

I assume they come from a culture where they cannot be seen socialising with women. I’m really sorry for you but I think the friendships is either over now or will be over once they have all married.

are you white English? I have experience of this and it’s very sad but some conservative cultures dictate that they cannot speak to you.

you deserve better friends.

your friends are adults not kids living at home

i would not support a friend that was supporting racism and sexism they are choosing to uphold these values and not doing anything to challenge them - that’s cowardice

what is the worst that could happen to if they were seen at a coffee shop shop with you ?

no religious book tells you to live segregated so this is a made up rule

also they are professionals and they have to interact with women and all races how do they manage that at work ???

i think id understand more if you could say what religion and what the race issue is ? As don't know any religions that operate this way

How old are you @Notsurehowtofeel3 ?

We genuinely are great friends,

nope

So I’m guessing here but maybe you all went to medical school together, and forged really great friendships, and now you are all still working in the field, so meet up socially and occasionally at professional events like training days or conferences.

So the friendship was fine when you were college mates, but now there is this level of discomfort because the classmate reason is no longer there, and they perceive it to be inappropriate to be normal-friends with women? Something like that?

I can't believe what I've just read here OP !!
It sounds like were back in 1951...and I was born in 1951.!!
I would be so hurt by this, it's ridiculous.
I would be proud to be your friend and show it.
They are not friends, you don't need them.💐💐

@Notsurehowtofeel3 i basically have to be kept secret because im a girl with a different skin colour to them and they said people will talk about it if they get seen with me and basically it’ll cause trouble for them.

It sounds like the men you are friends with are from a deeply conservative culture which is why they will get in trouble if someone sees them hanging around with a girl from a different ethnic background.

There's probably no harm in continuing to be friends with these men, but don't become close friends and keep them at arm's length.

What I would definitely advise is that you do not become romantically involved with any of these men in any way. Men from very conservative cultures are definitely not the type of men you want to be involved with. Think about men who believe that the husband should always have the final say and who believe that a woman's role is to serve the husband... your friends are these type of men.