AIBU to feel hurt being kept secret by close friends?

You're just abusive. There is nothing in the information that the OP has given that could lead you to the conclusions you have drawn.

You sound lovely OP, and I think that you deserve better 💕

I’ve been in this situation with a uni friend, also female. We got on really well but she was open that she couldn’t be seen with me in case it got back to her family. We’d go shopping together but she’d always be looking over her shoulder. We’re no longer friends and she ended up doing exactly as her parents expected.

I think OP has got this wrong. I think these guys can’t free-mix with any women regardless of skin colour. It’s not racism, just that some religions don’t permit relationships before marriage. And being seen with a member of the opposite sex might make onlookers jump to conclusions.

Are you sure one of them/he isn’t married? Their behaviour seems bizarre if you’re just friends.

I think this is the problem.

I once arranged to meet a client in a coffee shop to discuss the work. He introduced himself as Abdul, stuck out his hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "I'm not supposed to shake hands with women, or look them in the eye. Oh well!" Then smiled and sat down and we got on with the discussion.

It's a shame your friends are so worried about what other people will think, but maybe that comes with maturity. I don't think I'd be hanging around to find out.

I thInk I would let the friendship fizzle out. They might be trying to do their best by you in remaining friends and the people they are hiding you from by being deceitful, but it isn’t a good thing for anyone is it? They are having to lie, you feel like a dirty secret because that’s what you are to them and the people they are lying to and if those people ever find out they will feel betrayed and very disappointed with how their sons have not upheld their cultural “rules”.

Maybe look at it as a friendship you have grown out of and build on your other relationships that work fully and openly now.

Bluntly, so what? Their issue to deal with if their community thinks opposite-sex friendships are some kind of sex thing. Not the OP’s issue.

I think your being really nieve and a bit self centred, they have told you this isnt about YOU its about the shit they will get from their community you dont want.

When I was a late teen/20 I had a friend who had to keep me secret because I was a (white) male due to cultural/family reasons. However, I am male and she was female, and in some cultures that is frowned upon

meh.

Racism is bad. Racism that is prescribed by your religion is as bad as racism that just comes from stupid ideas in your head or online influencers etc.

What people like OP have to decide is: am i ok with that racism, and then "am i ok with it when it is directed at me"

If your religion says you can't mix with women of OPs skin colour, then you either keep to that or you are open about not agreeing with it. Keeping dirty little secrets is neither religiously nor morally right.

if they are ashamed of your relationship - whatever that relationship is - and for whatever reason: they are not your friends.

Find better friends.

These people are not your friends. Ditch them and get some real friends:people who are pleased to be associated with you and treat you with respect.

Agree.

You can't be friends at all. You think you're friends, they don't.

If you're not allowed to be seen with someone, they don't value you enough.

You'll be surprised to find one of them marries a girl like you one day, and it will be totally fine because they love her.

Cut your losses.

No it's not on treating you this way. I think I understand your situation but your old buddies need to find a way of moving forward. We in the UK have accepted foreign mores/standards that are not ours thinking we are being liberal and helpful. Many of the mmigrants we have accepted, have not only come here for financial reasons, but because they wanted to leave old restrictive customs behind them. Now many of them are being forced culturally to accept older customs from "back home", such as headscarves, the status of women etc. by forceful more recent incomers. We as a society shouldn't have to accept the lessening of our rights (especially women) that have been hard fought for over centuries. Personally I would ban headscarves in Government buildings, schools etc. Female children are now growing up thinking they are second class citizens and of course the boys see this too. I think younger men as you describe who obviously accept you as simply another person, need to step up and change their environment.

How many men are involved here? Or is it one man and plural pronouns are being used? All very confusing and disturbing. You meet a group of men who keep you secret? Or is it one man who is letting you know that you are not respected in his community? Sounds very dodgy and disrespectful. This isn’t a friend in any meaningful way so face up to that and decline any further attempts to meet up. They are now past acquaintances with whom you will be polite. It is time you did the denying of your company.

Yabvu to be bowing down to them like that. Sorry but they do not respect you in any shape. I'd reconsider my friendship. Stop being so fickle and apologetic for their views and behaviour to the detriment of yourself

It was hard to read about their treatment of you and your pain. It reads like they do not comprehend or are intentionally blind to the depth of the hurt they are inflicting upon you even though for them it is not at "personal." It's pretty effing personal to you as it is the single thing you cannot change.

What they have to hide from whatever moronic hell their culture actually is, you will never be acceptable because they are unwilling to give up that aspect of their culture. You know they can. They are the generation who can change it. Full stop. Their unwillingness to take this on says boatloads about them, and none of it is good. Down not-so-deep they are, in their true essence, not good people. You need to wrap your brain around this and really take it in to understand it. You give them lots of latitude despite the harm to your person. Is the amusement they provide worth the chipping away at your self-esteem? I hope the answer is no.

They do not recognize the ongoing harm to your personhood either because they do not want to as it absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, reveals them to be very bad people and they don't want to be forced to see that. The other option is you have not told them the toll it is taking on you to be their friend and they are too self-involved to notice the harm being done to you. Open your eyes, really look at them. They have been willing to hide you for a very long time.

You are slowly and inexorably chipping away at your own self-esteem for a trait you neither control nor can alter for no reason other than some outrageous and deeply offensive rules with regard to your skin color. You have to choose. The choice is quite literally them or you. Please choose yourself.

I used to be “best friends” with a guy from a different culture to me. On the one occasion I really needed him - I’d missed the last train home on a Sunday night and there were no hotels available (it was a 4h train ride so taxi not feasible either) - and he didn’t let me stay in the family home but rather I had to literally sleep on the street, I realised this was never going to be a friendship I could rely on.

when people show you who they are - listen to them.

Nope nope nope! They can bugger off with their misogynistic and racist behaviour. If i’m not good enough for them then they’re not good enough for me. I wouldn’t entertain this for a minute. that would be the end of our ‘friendship’. Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel to excuse their treatment of you!

They value the opinions of their elders more than their friendship with you. In those circumstances I would leave the friendship, hard tho it is. Once they marry the friendship will end anyway.

Bang on the money though!

Someone's taking out their frustrations on OP!

Horrible post.

It's up to them to challenge the racism and sexism inherent in their (ignorant and blinkered) 'culture'.
As someone else said, don't accept being anyone's 'dirty secret' in this kind of scenario. If they're not prepared to challenge "accepted" norms, they're not as close friends as you imagine.

plus, as you say, the fact that they are adult males means that realistically they probably won't suffer 'shame' or judgement from their community the way their sisters or wives would if they were to hang out with white males alone.

Unless there's something missing - for example the culture is so entrenched that people would genuinely not believe you were just friends (because m/f friendships are discouraged/not accepted) and would assume he was having an affair with you, which would shame his wife - then if they were a real friend they'd take the opportunity to make a stand rather than just hiding you for an easy life. They might face a bit of criticism but I bet they wouldn't be ostracised from the community in the same way a woman would.

Sadly I think if you challenged it you might find it's not such a good friendship as you think - if you said you were no longer comfortable with being hidden away sounds like they'd just not see you again.

Think about what would happen if you happened to meet somewhere unplanned - if you greeted them in your 'normal' way (hug, friendly smile etc.) in front of their family would they be horrified and push you away, or cross the street to avoid you? If that makes you feel a bit crap they aren't good friends, or nice people.