AIBU to think a good involved father is better?

Who? Bar having a neglectful or abusive dad/ex ( which is exactly what you said in your OP?

I havnt see a post from anyone saying they'd rather their ( good parent ) ex not be a part of their children's lives because it's easier for them?

I do wonder whether sometimes, after a breakup, some people quietly hope for no involvement from their ex because it feels emotionally or practically easier even if the parent themselves is a good one

Who do you know who would happily be a single parent 24/7 with no support/ no down time because they think that's easier than co parenting?

I think your OP shows how low the bar is for men. Days out do not mean he is a good involved father. It’s whether he is involved in the hard bits and the daily slog that show that. So I’m not convinced he is a good involved father at all.

But in response to your general question then yes I think it’s better for the kids to have a good involved dad. Not a Disney dad. But a dad who actually parents. And we need to stop praising the Disney dads, dig a little deeper and praise praiseworthy behaviours. Like knowing their teachers names, doing their fair share of drop offs and pick ups, providing good healthy meals (not just the easy prepared stuff) and doing their fair share appointments and day to day care.

My dad was emotionally neglectful. I'm 40 and spending hundreds on therapy because of this 💐

I so wish he was involved.

I can understand if there’s tension in the relationship, or he lets the child down, if he is committed responsible father then he’s equally important to the child.
Your ex is a shit. I cannot imagine having no interest in seeing my children, fire couldn’t keep me away. He is a lowlife.

You are surprised that a lot of women would be upset if they didn’t see their child 50% of the time? When my kids were tiny that would have been DEVASTATING to me.

I separated with the dad of my older two when they were 6 and 7. No animosity we’d just grown apart as we had been together since teens and were more like friends. He’s always been very involved. We have always shared special events and school holidays etc. Always attendied school events and parents evenings together. He’s one of my best friends and my partner and I are friends with him and his wife and we go out for meals together. I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’re all happy x

Well in which case I would have even less respect for him if he is using his DC to make money. It hardly makes him a caring father does it?
The poor children if both parents are milking their relationship with them.

Yes I knew someone had an affair and moved her OM in.

she wanted the kids dad involved so he could take them when she wanted child free weekends, holidays, days out etc. otherwise she pretty much presented OM as the father figure- he’d go to parents evenings etc with her, she wouldn’t even tell dad.

i think a lot of it was so she could present her “happy family unit” and dad as not so involved, to justify being “right” in splitting up.

in fact one of the kids wanted to move in with dad for a’levels so he could go to a certain school. She absolutely refused. Said she wasn’t “paying to have her kids taken off her”, then started with the emotional blackmail on how she would miss him and it would be so hard for her.

eventually the kids pulled away from dad to avoid upsetting her and now as adults barely speak to him.

I wouldn’t particularly want my ex husband involved given the choice. I just honestly believe he brings nothing to their lives. He didn’t in the few months he lived with the youngest and has even less to offer now he has no home and no job and no prospects. His appearances are few and far between and definitely performative. I’ve been left raising them 99.99% of the time since twins were babies

Add to that 50:50 is also really only possible if you can split finances to provide two family homes in the same area so both parents can do school runs, hobbies etc.

it’s pretty rare for a couple to be in that financial position.

Some of it is control. If you don’t agree on something then what?

mums are usually primary parent by default. That’s how our society works. Many mums expect their decisions to be the default, and they don’t want or need a 50:50 Coparent challenging them over which school, whether they’re vaccinated, if they should play rugby or football.

i don’t think it’s unusual for mums to not want 50:50. It’s easier to be the primary parent and have the other lighten the load- 50:50 is just more work for everyone.

divorce is just shit.

Its hard to comment really because they know the dads best I suppose. There can be all sorts of reasons that fall short of abuse that would make a woman think her DC would be better off 100% of the time with her.
Unless they were actively working to that by nefarious means, lying about the dad, refusing contact, then I wouldn't judge them. I think if you've split up with someone it's not uncommon to see their flaws and consider yourself the better option.
Also quite natural to miss your DC. I imagine it must be very painful to have to share Christmas for example, especially when they're small.
If they're not obstructing contact, sharing their private thoughts isn't too bad, is it?

There's a lot of studies about how much dads matter, and how it can really affect both boys and girls negatively if they don't have good role models that are both male and female.
Sadly some adults act like kids, as in always putting themselves first.

My friend does 50/50 but would prefer 90/10, it's great for her kids as their dad is loving and brill but she gets very lonely and misses them. It's definitely best for her kids though

I suspect in a lot of cases the women think the fathers weren’t doing anything like 50:50 when they were together and so doubt their ability to step up when they are co-parenting but no longer together. I’m not in that situation but I imagine if you’re having to do “50:50” based on where the kids sleep but actually still doing 70-90% of the boring child-related bits (keeping track of appointments, play dates, schoolwork/homework/revision) and 100% of the running a household bits plus new negotiating co-parenting bits it feels like it would be simpler (even if not easier) to do it all yourself.