AIBU to think a good involved father is better?

It's nice to have someone to discuss things with as long as they are a generally reasonable person who you know has the child's interests at heart, but if they are argumentative on purpose or just have diametrically opposed views then it can be extremely frustrating.

We do 50:50. I miss my kids immeasurably when I’m not with them.. But, so does their Dad. I would not fight to take time with their Dad away from them. He’s responsible and involved, though. We do what we do for their benefit even though it’s hard for us (we are also acutely aware this is all harder for them to navigate than it is for us).

I can imagine I could feel very differently about 50:50 being the right setup if his relationship with them wasn’t as strong. I’d always want what I feel is best for them and if he was different, and not a good role model or I felt he couldn’t meet their needs, I am sure I would be pushing for having them more than 50% of the time.

I think sometimes the reality and the fantasy are very different things.

I do understand the "uninvolved is better" because DS1's bio dad has not been in his life since he was about 2. He's now 17. And it was much better when he decided to fuck off and stay fucked off than when he was bobbing in and out of his life when he wanted to show him off to a new girlfriend and cancelling at short notice the rest of the time. That was horrendous and really unsettled DS1 constantly, poor child could barely make sense of it and of course he was so little it was hard to explain.

And from the perspective of being the only one who makes decisions about him that part is a dream, it's easy, I can do what I want, nobody has to agree, and I don't have anyone making absolutely enraging decisions that I have no control over.

OTOH I got married to someone else and DS2/3 have a very involved dad. Although I've had moments where I've been frustrated that DH makes different decisions to me, it's also been so much easier to have someone around to share things with. If we did ever split up, I can't imagine wanting him to disappear out of their lives. They get so much out of the relationship they have with him that I would want that to continue. And I'm certain he would too, so I think he'd be an involved 50/50 dad.

The thing is that these are totally different situations. DS1's dad was never an involved or interested dad, he has always been totally self-interested and not bothered about anyone else at all. Therefore his involvement in DS1's life even when we lived together was irritating because he only wanted to use him as an accessory for himself.

DS2/3's dad (DH) OTOH is not like that at all, from day 1 he's been as fascinated with and intrigued by our DC as I have been. We don't always have the exact same boundaries or values, but he loves them and he has their best interests at heart even if it looks different to what I would choose.

I have both sides of this.

I have 50:50 with my ex and it works well for our kids. He’s a good dad- he doesn’t always do things how I would but I accept I don’t get to control everything. I would never have wanted anything other than 50:50.

My DP has been denied access to his children. His ex is angry and bitter at him for leaving her and using the children to hurt him. It’s incredibly sad to see his heart breaking. I don’t understand how a mother can use her children as weapons like this and it will, undoubtedly, cause them considerable trauma which will need to be unpicked as adults.

Yes I do think some women would rather the dad wasn't involved because they dislike/resent him and would rather not have to deal with him. It's sad for the children. I think it's an understandable feeling after the breakdown of the relationship but ultimately it's selfish. Children need to be able to have a good loving relationship with both their parents, unless the father is abusive or unreliable.

Yeah, but he’s only the father. On MN, only mothers are the ‘proper’ parents.

Obviously for my kids sake yes I want their dad's involved for my own selfish reasons there are lots of negatives like not seeing your kids Christmas morning is a big one, different parenting styles and rules, missing out on a big chunk of your kids lives.

My DC’s Dad is a better Dad to them now than he was when we split 5 years ago. At 3, he’d only once put one of our DC to bed! He now sees them every other weekend for overnights, plus one day during the week he picks them up from school and brings them back for bedtime.

I love it when our DC go to him; they have a wonderful relationship with their Dad, plus it gives me time to myself, and I can have a social life. My only sadness is that it took me leaving the relationship for him to become a proper Dad. We could have been a lovely family if only he hadn’t chosen to completely opt out initially.

Devastating for you but crucial for your children to maintain a strong and consistent relationship with their other equal parent.

Too many women put their needs before their children in these situations and deny their children of their other parent because they don’t want to share them as if they were some toy they own.

Put the children’s needs and feelings first, always.

I'd agree with that. A co-parent who drifts in and out of your childrens' lives is awful. My ex and I started off with 50:50 but it didn't last very long as it was just too unreliable. A few years later my ex got stable enough where we were working towards resuming 50:50 and that was fantastic for all involved, our DCs particularly. Sadly that all fell apart again and we ended up back in the situation where contact was unreliable and the impact on my DCs was considerable.

I don't think 50:50 works in all situations but given the right circumstances, and the right relationship between the parents, I think it's definitely worth a try. But whether it's 50:50, or EOW, or whatever, what really damages children is unreliability.

Its so sad and frustrating to see so many replies from women on here saying how they would prefer their child(rens) father not to be involved because it would mean they don’t want to sacrifice spending as much time with them or because they’re mad at how the relationship ended.

It’s such a selfish outlook to deny your child of their other equal parent just because of your own selfish feelings about not wanting to “share” them. These children are not objects that you own they are human beings who deserve a solid and consistent relationship with both of their parents.

As for being angry at their father because of how the relationship ended, you need to separate your relationship with him to their relationship with him. People who are shitty partners aren’t automatically shitty parents and unless there’s abuse or neglect happening you don’t get to play God and withhold a parent from their children because of how you feel about them.

This is such a selfish outlook. All I’m seeing for this reply is how you feel and how you didn’t want to give up time with your daughter. There is literally no thought about how it’s healthy and important for your daughter to maintain a solid relationship with her father or the fact that you’re both her equal parents and both deserve to spend time with her.

You speak about sharing your child and giving up time with her as if you’re a spoilt child being asked to share their favourite toy.

Your daughter is a human being not an object you own.

You don’t get to decide that your daughter shouldn’t see her father because the break down of your marriage wasn’t your choice. Separate your relationship with him to her relationship with him. They are two different things and you shouldn’t let your feelings about your marriage and its breakdown imprint on your daughter’s relationship with her father.

Yes, it is far better for the child to have a good father who is there for them and they spend time with.

Do you not think that the father of your child would be equally devastated at the thought of not seeing his child 50% of the time?

@RunAwayWithMeeee I’m not disappointed at all. I was not really addressing my comments about the person you referred to in your post but just the notion that society has that he must be a good involved dad if he takes his kids on days out and how that really isn’t enough and is not how we should be judging fathers.

I know plenty of 50-50 families where mum does all the appointments, buys all the clothes, organises all the extra curricular activities and provides good nutritious meals whereas dad does the bare minimum. I do not consider that 50-50 care. And when we as a society simply focus on the fact that men have 50-50 and take their kids on days out which they post all over social media then we are holding men to a lower standard. I can also see why women are reluctant for their exes to have 50-50 in many cases. Why wants to have to send their DC off to be treated with benign neglect?

This is a real thing and is affecting a dad I know personally. Yes the mother involved is wrong to cut children off from a good dad and she is acting "bitter".
But I can see how someone can totally lose the plot when the family you dreamed of falls apart because your husband doesn't want you anymore.

I think it's a very difficult one. There are times when I've wished that ex would just disappear from DS life, as it feels it would be better for him in the long run.

My preference of course would be for him to have an involved father who took an equal role in caring for him.

Instead he has a father who is occasionally loving and involved. But at many other times is absent, or present but borderline neglectful and potentially exposing DS to dangerous situations.

Very few people in my life would know this though and I may come across as one of those mums who just wants DS with me all the time. When in reality I'm juggling a constant risk assessment of supporting my child to maintain some sort of relationship with his dad when ex is capable of managing this, whilst also ensuring he stays safe.

it’s probably one of those things where you do not want what you’ve got.

uninvolved dad- you wish he was.
50:50 involved dad- you wish he was less involved as you don’t like being away from your kids that much and it’s easier not having to manage someone else’s opinions and input. No CM - it has to be harder trying to work around 50:50.

i’d say for most women the ideal is eow. Bills are there regardless and the CM is useful. You get a break now and again, but can still maintain a close relationship with your kids and have a good routine.

i’d guess most women who don’t want dad involved at all (not including child protection) have the luxury of family support. My friend preferred her ex stayed away because she just didn’t like him, but she had her retired parents close by for childcare and babysitting whenever she needed.

I would rather an involved dad than a yoyo abusive dad ex number one developed a drug problem after we split and it was better that he was gone ex number two hung on abusing the children for ages I was glad when he got bored sadly the damage he caused is immense and resonates to this day he still has a photo of the kids when they were 8/4 on his Facebook it was stolen off me ten years ago and because he hasnt really bothered with them since he literally hasnt got anything recent I find it quiet sad that he had all the potential to be a father and wasted it with his hatred of me his last text exchange was berating me because the kids wont prioritise seeing him and he said tell them merry Christmas and hasnt been in touch since...really wanted to reconnect with them didn't he

I would have loved nothing more than my son to have a healthy safe relationship with his dad. Unfortunately he is not safe around him and hasn't been allowed contact for 6 months and hopefully the courts won't permit him any access, it doesn't look like they will as all services have raised concerns and advised he is a danger as have the mothers of his other children.

Having a healthy male role model in childhood is so incredibly important, but its more important that my son isn't murdered or abused.

I do however have an incredible DH who is showing him what it is to be a good man and I'm currently in bed having some me time listening to him sing our sons to sleep. So for that I feel incredibly fortunate.

Being a single parent is an incredible amount of work, but for many women who have been married single mothers for years its actually easier. Most won't have ever left their children with their dad as they dont give a shit about their children or their wife.