To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

But your child's dad isn't even interested in seeing her extra during her school holidays, so even if you didn't think it was best there would be nothing you can do about it.

I do have to disagree with your idea of what a 'fantastic father' is.

my DD sees her dad every Sunday. That’s the same amount of time as yours (ie 4 days a month) For what it’s worth everyone and I mean everyone (even his own family) think he’s a shit dad. He never asks for more time even in school holidays.

Ideally 50/50 or as close to as practical

I agree about the logistics of stuff, we have found that to be a bit of a ballache, albeit not insurmountable.

But my DD unequivocally has 2 homes. She refers to both houses as home, and ExDH and I also refer to each other’s houses as “home” in the context of DD

I'd say it's very common but EOW is not really parenting in a meaningful way.

We do 50:50 and have done since xh left 9 years ago.

I think it's been bad for them. As a pp said, they kind of have no "home", they have mum's house and dad's house. It's not teaching them a great lesson about being settled in one place.

Their stuff is constantly moving around in bags (school bags, PE kit, shoes, reading book etc), and they can't get into a craft project or instrument on a daily basis. I hate it for them and feel sad that's their life.

Honestly, I've been glad of the free time. But what would've been best for them would have been a settled home with one of us, and to stay with the other parent EOW but see them very regularly, eg after school for tea a few times a week.

Dc need a base imo, a bedroom, a home.

if you mothered the same way he fathered, would you consider yourself a fantastic mother?
so once a week you take her out and have a wonderful time; and then you leave the other 6 days to someone else to do.
I don’t think he sounds like a good father at all; I think you just have ingrained misogyny, sorry, and have much lower standards/expectations for men than you do for women.

I think 12 days is a long time to go without seeing child so if parents live close to each other then dad should do a school pick up /drop off to club or teatime in the week even if not a sleepover

EOW is common but not great for the father-child relationship. I know that someone will say that they only saw their dad over school holidays or every few months because they were with the army or something but in an ideal world, children would have 50/50 so both parents did the actual parenting and they had 2 families rather than the more common feeling where they are a family with the mum but visit dad.

Your assumptions about what is best assume that mum isn’t in a job that involves overnight travel or working at night. Sometimes I think that dad is the best candidate for majority parent.

If, like many dads, your ex didn’t do 50% of the parenting pre-divorce then I understand why you’d think that he shouldn’t automatically get 50% post divorce but there’s lots of variables like how old the kids are and if dad changed his work hours post divorce to fit in with the kids that could change my mind.

Ok firstly no-one 'attacked' your comment. You do know how chat forums work, yes?

Secondly, why would I need to 'ask the courts'?

I'm asking you why YOU think that would be fair?

While there may be risks to 50/50 in terms of what @MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned said, I think there is a much greater risk if a father only sees his kids 4 days a month. He will quickly become a "Superdad" doing all the fun and exciting things with the children and very little parenting. Not to mention the advantage of him being able to maintain normal life such as full time work, dating, not being the parent to look after the kids when they are sick etc. etc. Which, while is not exactly detrimental to the kids per se, doesn't make for a fair division of labour.

As to your ex having a new girlfriend, I am currently dating a guy who has his child every week Thursday to Sunday. It's never been an issue because neither of us lets it to be. There are days when he is a dad and there are days when he is my boyfriend. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also speaking hypothetically, I selfishly wouldn't want to do 50/50 as I hate the thought of it but my DH would absolutely want 50/50 and I would ofc agree because it's the right thing to do for him & DC. Our kids are can't cope if DH works a long day and keep asking when he'll be home. Seeing him twice a month would break their hearts and really affect them. I think your agreement works for you and is probably convenient for your DD father but if you're all happy that's the main thing.

ExDH and I have done 50/50 for 10 years now, and it’s worked well for us because we always put her first. DD is 13.

He suffers terribly with MH issues and we have mutually agreed that he needs to move away for his own wellbeing. He was hugely reluctant, but has accepted that to be a good dad he needs to look after himself. When he sells his house the 50/50 will stop due to distance from school, but he’ll still see her weekly because he will make the trip here. Weekends will be shared equally, as will hols - but not necessarily one on, one off because DD has commitments on the weekend.

I would flip that around. Why would you think one of the two parents should only parent a little over 10% of the time? It might be ‘normal’ as in lots of men do it, but that just makes every single one of them a shit parent.

What works for lots of kids is every other weekend plus one night in the week, say a Tuesday or a Wednesday. And blocks of time in the school holidays

I would once have said that absolutely 50-50 should be the default. However, having now seen it several times in real life, I am yet to see it not end up with the child(ren) feeling like they don't live anywhere. Not many adults would want to split their time equally between two homes. So now I'm less sure what I think the correct answer is.

So your ex sees your dc for 52 days a year. Do you seriously think that is being a good dad?

Should add I ended up with them 100% of the time but my ideal would have been 50/50 if I could have chosen