To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

A lot of women also insist on eow as they want weekends with their child. I personally think 4/3 day split works better as one parent can then sort hobbies and regular weekend activities while the other does weekdays.

going to dads in the week is often tricky as he needs to live close enough for school, needs to have a house suitable for them to sleep in, which is not common after a split as often there’s not enough equity to purchase a second home for dad.

then you also have the issue if dad does adjust his working hours to have the kids more he’ll earn less, which means less maintenance.

most families cannot split one lifestyle into two equivalent ones.

Right and if he was a woman, would you call her a fantastic mother for this level of 'parenting'?

Is your DD happy? If so then you have a stable set up. You mentioned asking what the courts would say, but even the courts look at a number of variables and negotiables. One size does not fit all. My ex has my son every Friday night overnight and takes him for tea one evening every week. He FaceTimes my son regularly inbetween. This is more frequency than EOW but amounts to the same number of overnights. I can see some PP are suggesting that this isn’t enough and I get that but I can 100% tell you that this works for us in terms of our working hours and set up and my son is very balanced and very happy and has a great relationship with us both. I wouldn’t personally want my son to be gone 50% of the time and so we are all happy with the arrangement. Every situation is different.

I think a lot of women are happy with eow because it means they can claim more child support and they can work part time because ‘ I need to look after my kids’.

If you went to court would the starting point not be 50/50 and equally split school holidays?

I'm not sure how you equate not wanting/offering/accepting half of school holidays with a fantastic father.

But you need to do what is best for your DD. Would she like to spend more time with her father? Would an extra night mid week be of benefit to her, particularly with a new baby sibling to bond with? Does she get time alone with him still?

If you approached XH asking him which which 4 of the 8 week summer holidays worked best for him to have DD, how would he respond?

Dors he attend parents evenings, school plays, take her to extra curriculars? Does he do his share of sick days? Take her on holidays?

When she is an adult will she reflect she had a strong relationship with her dad, that he was interested and invested in her, cheering her on, or just someone who is more and more of an inconvenience to see at weekends as she starts having more of her own life.

I would expect 50-50. I wouldn’t want to be taking care of children the majority of the time while their dad is off living the life of a single childless man for 12 days in every fortnight. No chance! If lives are going to be changed with child rearing then we’ll share the load equally.

This. We have to do 50/50 because doing the majority of parenting simply wouldn’t work with my job.

We do 50/50. Any father who wants less than that is obviously a shit one.

Your ex sees them 48 days a year or 13%. Woefully inadequate and sad for the child

The bar is so low for men, isn't it? It's subterranean, yet so many seem to still trip over it. How is someone a good father when they see their children so seldom?

My son and ex DIL do 50/50. The kids are perfectly happy having 2 homes and spending time with both. If they want to facetime mom when with dad they do so, and vice versa. If they forget something that they need for school (a regular occurrence!) the parent who had them at the time drives it over to the other house.
Is it as good as a nuclear family living happily together? Of course not, but it's perfectly doable if both parents behave like adults and put the children first.

My bf has 50-50 and sees his children every day. I laughed a bit when a friend's boyfriend said he saw his kids 'every single Saturday, without fail'. My bf had his children later and things have just changed a lot in the last few decades. Mothers and fathers are both active parents now in the way they weren't as much a generation ago.

This.

my partner had his child every Tuesday/ Thursday evening and every week end either friday night and all day Saturday or saturday night and all day sunday. they moved in with us when they were 13 and now are at uni

The only question worth asking is "what is best for the child?" It's not a given that 50/50 is always best. It depends on what 50/50 looks like in reality and who the child is. I believe that equal access is great but when that equal access means the parents have to be separate because they can't stand the sight of each other, 50/50 is not always doable. Some children don't want to be separated from the mother (for example) for long periods of time (or for small children - any time) this means that inevitably the father needs to see the child with mum present (or vice versa) at least until the child builds up enough of a relationship with the other parent. You may think well obviously they have a relationship with me, they lived with me before the separation...... Guess what? Loads of people live with their kids but haven't built up a relationship with them. Sad but true. Too often, adults just pull the child around like a piece of property "it's MY right to have him /her" yes it is. But do it in the best interests of the child. Every parent and child is different.

I’m still with my DH but like others have said we are equal partners in parenting. E.g. we both do the school runs and the sports clubs etc. If a child is sick or needs taken to the dentist then it could be either one of us taking them. We both cook their meals and supervise homework. I haven’t counted it up but it’s very close to 50% each.

Therefore if we were to split up I know he wouldn’t ever accept only seeing the DC only 4 days a month. He would want to be there for them as much as he is now. If I were to tell him it would be EOW only I’d expect he’d go straight to court for more.

Thats what I class as a good father. That he would want to be there as much as possible doing those everyday parenting tasks.

A fantastic dad would do 50/50 without heavily relying on a woman (his partner, mum, sister etc) to make it happen. He would love, care and nurture the child like a fantastic mum would.

I have an ex who I’ve done EOW with for over 15 years . My kids are happy but their relationship with their dad is extremely poor. He went from knowing their friends and what they liked and disliked to having no clue about the details of their lives. The kids all came to the same conclusion they contact was about checking a job off a list.

Standards for dads are super low so society has fantastic dad as someone who pays CM without quibbling and seeing the child EOW. Imagine if you did that - how many would say you were a fantastic mum?

A good dad is in his child's life completely, even if he isnt living with the child.

He knows his kid's school, routine, likes and dislikes, knows the child's friends, can tell when something is bothering his child, drops everything when his child needs him, goes to parent consultations, knows who his kid's gp and dentist are, can make appointments, can attend appointments, properly financially provides for his child, cooks food for his child, sticks the washing on, goes to the child's events, advocates for his child, doesnt badmouth the child's mother, has clear and firm boundaries for the child, models appropriate behaviour, is able to say sorry to his child if he messes up, is someone his child feels safe with and can open up to, etc etc

All the same stuff that makes a woman a good mum.

50/50 is the fair way and best for child to have equal time with two loving parents . Gender does not define a good parent. Your ex is only seeing children about 4 nights a month... growing up i saw my grandparents more than that. As a child from a broken home I was encouraged to see my father as much as possible. It was the best thing. Saw him 3 nights one week 4 the next. Where I live now most couples that have split do 50 /50

My dog walkers ex lives is my neighbour and they do 50-50. It was an adjustment at first, but they’ve remained friendly and helped each other with the adjustment. Dad has his own place and they share care 50-50. That includes school runs, dance practice, sick days, school holidays. They each take their DC on holiday. He does everything mum does. That’s what i’d call a good dad. He didn’t instigate the split, but he’s remained an active part of his children’s lives and is certainly no ‘disney dad’.

The exact same effort as a fantastic mother.

One who is extremely present in the DCs lives and wants to be with them, love them, care for them and support them as much and as often as possible.

Exactly the same as how I'd class a fantastic mother.

Having a new girlfriend wouldn't make it harder for a good dad to be there for his kids.

4 days a month is nothing. But it probably is pretty common.
My nephew is with his dad 4 days a week.

No a good dad doesn’t only see their child EOW. Absolutely not.

But I don’t know why you are blaming yourself here op, you are clearly a fantastic mother and you have the balance that is best for your child. Your only mistake is thinking that he’s a good father, he isn’t, he’s simply pleasant to her when he’s with her, rather like a good uncle maybe, but that’s far removed from being a good parent. That isn’t your fault.