To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

My exh only has DS (1/) two days in 14.

Dd is 17 so goes when she wants but it’s usually about 4 days every other week (so 4/14).

Our original agreement when we split up several years ago was that exh would do 5/14 but he very quickly dropped Sunday nights because he couldn’t cope
with Sundays so would always be upsetting the kids. Then we ended up with no night in the week for DS when he hit secondary school because it was too difficult with belongings going back and forth.

DD has done a few different arrangements over the years, including 50:50 for a time, but exh doesn’t really take care of anyone emotionally so it didn’t really work.

I don’t think you can judge a good dad (or mum) on the number of days they look after their DC. There are a range of reasons why 50/50 might not be in the DC’s best interest and some 50/50 dads do FA with their kids and just don’t want to have to pay CM.

A good dad is always interested in what’s happening in their DC’s lives. They stay in touch when DC is with their mum. They remember what is going on and they adjust their plans for their DC’s benefit. They want to look after them, even if it’s not what’s best for the DC and only hold off because it’s not what’s best. And they do their share of the grunt work, schlepping them to clubs and friends’ houses, doing homework, enforcing bedtime, etc.

They stay on as good terms as possible with their ex so that things are as stable as possible. And they make sure there is space for DC in their home and life.

I would stop telling your DC their father is amazing. I wouldn’t slate him either, but DC need to be able to make up their own mind and not feel gaslit by you if their opinion is different from yours.

This shows she doesn't have a great relationship with him, probs because she rarely sees him. My ex would be devastated if DD declined his call and I would be if she declined mine. I by no way think my ex is a perfect dad but my DD does

Could her dad name her best friends, favourite foods, toys, TV shows, teddy's etc. Does he know what her interests are?

50:50 and I’d think a man who did any less is a loser

Why should a mother take priority after breastfeeding stage?

I wouldn’t be happy only seeing my child 4 days a month. Parenting is being involved in day to day school, a tivtirs, homework etc. I would hate to be excluded from that and having a full parenting roll. Both parents should have an active role.

The holiday is in the realms of Disney Dad.

The parents evening is standard stuff.

A good Dad would spend more than 4 days a MONTH with their child, would take an interest in their child, their hobbies, their friends etc as well as ensuring that she has childcare arranged over holidays etc

Should know the answers to the questions I mentioned above. Should be at LEAST checking if she has a dentist appointment with you, to should he make it?

So does he know;

Where her dentist is?
Who her GP is?
Her best friends name and the group she spends most of her playtime/break with?
Her teachers/form tutor name?
What the next party is she's going to?
What time, and where she goes to X activity/club, and when it is returning after the Easter holidays.
Does he know when she's due back at school? What days she has PE
Does she need new school shoes and has he made plans to get her measurements?

Etc
Etc

4 days a month sounds terrible but in reality they’re at school all week, so in terms of spending quality time with her, it’s probably not much less than you have. He could have her more in the holidays I guess?

My husband said that before he left. My eldest has a different dad & he was very vocal about the lack of time he spent with her and said he could never imagine that. As it is, he’s never had them overnight since he left and has them on average 6 hours a week 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you’re right about it being individual to each child. Mine absolutely wouldn’t want to be back and forth & when I was a child I wanted a permanent base too and wouldn’t have wanted to be one house one day and one the next but for some I agree that’s absolutely what they want. Children should be the ones that are listened to in these situations, as much as is possble
anyway!

I mean 4 days a month certainly isn't amazing is it? But there is more to it than that. I have a number of friends who are separated and 50:50 tends to only work best for the kids where both parties are amicable with each other and there are no power struggles etc. The children should see both homes as equal and be able to move their belongings freely where they want to. When they can't it just adds another level of anxiety to their lives.

There is the consideration of where your ex lives in proximity to school and his work situation as to whether any mid week nights would be doable as this would be the most logical addition to increase contact. As well as the school holidays- the fact that he hasn't offered to have her more when she is off school speaks volumes.

You sound like an amazing mum and great that you put on a united front to your DD about her dad. If the set up works for her and for you then there's no need to change it- I just wouldn't consider any parent amazing if they only looked after their child 4 days a month (ill health/military etc excluding).

In my line of work, a fair amount of women have to share their child for contact with unsafe ex partners, sadly. They would love to have contact as little as every second weekend between their child and dad.

What at times seems to be court awarded in the family courts is every other weekend but also a week day overnight, generally on a Wednesday. Or, if not a weekday overnight, then a pick up from school on a day of the week where dad at least has them for the evening, and has them for dinner etc. Holidays are shared 50/50 generally.

Just sharing incase it’s helpful. Does your child not miss their dad? Every family is different so you should do what works for yours.

If my husband and I split up I think I would also want to be the majority parent. But even saying that out loud - I know my husband would want 50/50. X

You tell her nothing negative about him. That's all.

What is it about him that makes hima fantastic dad in your mind?

Disney Dadding does not a good father make.

Tell me, apart from the few hours he "devotes solely" to her a month...

I'll wait.

Another "fantastic father" who sees them for 4 days a month and Disney Dads the kids... Doesn't do anything more than the bare minimum...

I'll bet this "fantastic" father doesn't know her GP, doesn't know her best friends name, doesn't know what parties she's been invited too and where they are and how she's getting there, I'll bet he doesn't take her to and from clubs, Id wager he doesn't even know her teachers name, when her next dentist appointment is roughly die, what show size she is etc

I think 50/50 is a horrible arrangement. My parents had that arrangement and neither me or my sibling ever felt properly settled. I don’t know anyone with 50/50 and know plenty of excellent involved fathers who have with children EOW and a day / night in the week. They’re still at parents evenings, they take them away, they’re at the football games etc etc. The children are happy and stable and have a good relationship with both parents

Username checks out 😂

We do 50/50 and the kids are given the choice if they want to stay more or less on holidays. Our children also decide where to stay on weekends so may decide to stay with me, their dad or their grandparents. They have their space and rooms in all the houses and we are much much driven by what the want to do. This also includes birthdays and Christmas. It’s not ideal because they have to take some stuff from place to place but they don’t want to do a week on/ off as they wouldn’t see me or their dad for a week at time. It’s hard and anyone who has children does not expect to only see them 50% of the time ( or less in some cases) we all live very close to each other so this is made easier. My exh wouldn’t dream of only seeing the children oew and the kids would be devastated to only see him that infrequently

This isn’t a question with a simple answer. I don’t think many good, engaged dads would be happy just seeing their kids EOW. But then, a lot of relationships end BECAUSE the dads aren’t engaged - they’ve either had enough of family life and left themselves or the mum has ended the relationship because they’re sick of enabling a man child. There are exceptions of course.

A lot of people assume there is always a “custody battle” and it’s the mum insisting on having the kids more but there are also lots of mums who would love their kids to have decent dads and spend more time with them. Many women want a break, opportunities to work more and advance their careers. I don’t think it’s appreciated enough how much single parents (mostly mothers) have to turn down work opportunities because of their situation. I cannot do anything out of the house during the week that requires a late night or early morning other than on a Monday. I have advanced in my career since we split but it is more difficult.

I’ve also come across situations with friends where their ex has hardly been involved until the kids are much older, out of nappies, teenagers even, then suddenly dad wants 50/50 or to see them more. The kids are not interested though because that’s not what they’ve grown up with.

My exh and I split 5 years ago, if he had said from the start he wanted the kids 50/50 and was willing to be a good, involved dad then I would have welcomed this. As it is it took over 2 years before he would have them EOW and every Monday night, so 4 nights a fortnight, with a bit more time in the holidays. There are many other reasons why (happy to elaborate if anyone wants details) but I now would fight it in court if he decided he wanted 50/50. I don’t think he’s a great dad, but it would be possible for him to be a better one and still maintain the current arrangement. He isn’t interested in increasing his time with them though.

I’m firmly in the camp of children having a base with one of the parents so that they are settled and have a consistent routine, however, that’s really not much coming from him.

I do agree with the idea of having a main home, but two visits a month is a pretty poor show. My ideal would be EOW (school pick up fri-sun night), tea one night after school and half school holidays. However been a good patent is about more then time. I'd also expect both parent to attend school plays, sport/music events, parents evenings, cover sick days and be involved with homework, extracericulas and any medical appointments.

My kids dad currently sees them once a week, alternating between a full weekend day, and after school the next week. I consider him to be a moderately shit dad.

50/50 has been shown to be crap for kids- its selfish parents refusing to do what's best for kids and giving them a base.