To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

This isn't blowing up your safe place.

It's just wondering about the inconsistencies.

But on your thread this morning your a SAHM?

Oh go away.

Me and ex do 50:50. He is genuinely a great dad to DS. We are great friends and both have great relationships with each others new spouses and families. We've never argued or refused each other anything with DS. I'd be gutted if he only wanted to see him EOW.

I don’t think you should otherwise she’ll grow up to understand that expectations of men are low. She’ll then choose a loser thinking that that’s the best men go. You don’t need to slag him off of course, she can work that out herself.

I don’t agree with 50/50 either OP
I wouldn’t want to be shuttled between 2 places every few days so why should I put that on my child.
i was the main parent when they were born and the main parent still. Divorce doesn’t change that.

Does your child actually spend overnights with their dad or just see them during the day? Like a lot of grandparents we look after grandchildren one day a week, including school drop off and pick up for the elder. We also have sleepovers monthly, occasional sick days, in-service days, some dr appointments and a few extra days during the holidays. We are nowhere near the minimum contact I would expect from an 'good' parent.

I think 50-50 can be good as long as both parents are committed to making it work and do the necessary to make sure it does. And the child or children are happy with it. This is not always the case.

In your particular case OP, I think your ex should be seeing your DC a couple of times during the week after school and also covering half the school holidays. That does not mean just taking them on holidays but having them stay at his home, working out and paying for the child care if he still has to work.

Being a good dad also involves making adequate payment for DC, not the bare minimum of CMS. Does he buy everything they need at his place or do you provide it? Does he offer to contribute to after school activities or any childcare needed so that you can both work full time?

Being a good dad also involves knowing your child. Knowing their friends (and facilitating play dates and parties during his time), knowing what they are doing at school, helping with homework if they get it (rather than leaving it all to you), knowing their medical history, offering to deal with dentist etc rather than leaving it all to you (he could do this during school holidays - same with hair cuts, uniform shopping etc).

You might not think that 50-50 is appropriate but everything I have listed in my last 3 paragraphs should be happening if he is an amazing dad. Otherwise he is barely adequate.

Even if that’s what the child wanted? What’s more shit - pursuing 50/50 for your own comfort, or allowing your child to live how they feel most comfortable?

Similar to this.

My 2 saw dad Wed night from 5pm & he dropped at school Thur. Then Sat from 4pm until Sun 4pm. He took them to rugby training on a Mon night too for a few hours. He'd often head from work & I'd have some food for him too if he wanted. I always felt the DC needed to see us being adults & co-parenting.

This obviously varied as needed. Now they're 21 & 19 & see him when it suits them. Eldest one night a week, youngest 2 or 3 nights.

He's always been a fantastic dad, though.

Only a shit dad would go along with every other weekend.

What a horrible contribution. Why is she not a great mum? We know virtually nothing about her.

Very few parents living together share the responsibility of raising children 50/50, so likelihood is it won’t change when parents separate. Perhaps he hasn’t asked for 50/50 because he knows his child is happy and settled in her home. Kids shouldn’t be dragged from pillar to post to make adults feel better. In my opinion - that’s shit parenting.

Agreed I have many issues myself with my exp. But how do you enforce some of it you can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ just to keep telling them what they ‘should’ be doing. For example he has never once if even listened to child read their school book, and written it in the book the parent is supposed to. Yes he knows about it, he just obviously doesn’t care, and like many other things thinks I will cover the cracks. Told school the situation from the start. Because I refuse to try to play catch up when DC is at home.

It’s quite interesting that on your post many
said EOW is not right. Yet on a post I made, okay other parts to it, and my exP has DC 3 weekends a month, they said it was too much/too little. But 50/50 is not possible and the way he is, would complicate things even more. He wouldn’t do any more than he does already so I would have to deal with that any where, where he lacks. Also the biggest point being he doesn’t want 50/50.

Your attitude is really poor. A child has a right to have an equally good relationship with both parents (assuming both are capable).

He is not a good dad, if he was he would have at least attempted to get 50/50 custody.

He’s a shit dad and you’re not a great mum either.

🤔 But then you can want the child to have equal access all they like to the other parent(non resident one I mean) but if they don’t want to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

..

My kids are with their dad for 24 hours a week (1 overnight) during term-time only. He hardly ever does holidays, that’s all on me. Honestly, I think it’s shit. There’s a reason I’m not with him. But equally, I don’t believe the kids would benefit from more time with him. They love him, are happy to see him, but so happy to come back to me, their home, their base. And I would hate to see them any less, really, though some help in the holidays would be great.

So no, I don’t think 4 days a month is being a good dad, but the quality of so many men’s parenting is so poor that more time with dad isn’t necessarily a reflection that he’s a good dad either - some men fight to have more time with kids for the wrong reasons.

This is the arrangement I have with my DC’s Dad, and it means that they spend meaningful time with him every week, which they love doing. My DC’s and their Dad have a great relationship as a result.

The only reason we don’t do 50/50 is that he lives just about too far away to be fully involved in our slightly complex school runs, though he does school run pickups once or twice a week.

I’d find it unacceptable to see my DC for just 4 days a month, i.e. every other weekend.

I also think what you suggest is ideal. One main home where they spend the vast majority of overnights, but seeing the other parent multiple times a week.

The bar is so so low for Dads. I’d be so disappointed if my DH was happy with parenting 4 days a month if we ever split up. There is a middle ground between EOW and 50/50, if you have good communication it may be EOW + after school pick ups, some drop offs, spontaneous nights at Dads etc.

Why is sorting childcare for the holidays only your job OP? What a loser your ex is!

My exh did want 50:50 and at one point was saying he wouldn’t agree the financial settlement (so that we could get out of living in the same house, which was a nightmare) until I’d agreed to it.

One of the reasons I wouldn’t agree to it was that I knew he wouldn’t actually do it. He only wanted it on paper. And so it happened - he very quickly resiled from having Sunday nights after we agreed the 5/14 v 9/14 split. Because it was like work, having to go straight into the working week after a weekend with the kids 🙄

The other reason is I knew he wasn’t a good father - not so awful he shouldn’t have any time: a relationship with his kids, but not good enough to support their emotional
wellbeing 50% of the time.

IMO fathers should be seeing their kids at least 3 days a week. EOW is ridiculously low.

Usually she will have been the main parent up until the divorce. Often she’ll have divorced the father because he took so little interest in parenting.

Often she will be the parent who does a better job of looking after the child.

Those things aren’t universally the case but they often are true, and when they are, they are a good reason.