To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

The area she lives in (and where they used to live together) is too expensive for him to be able to afford even a flat there unfortunately, otherwise he would move in a heartbeat.

Why does he live half an hour drive away @Rosacharmosa?

50/50 sounds ideal on paper but in real life can actually be a bit of a nightmare, especially if the parents don't live that close.

My brother is currently working out an arrangement with his ex for their 4 year old. He is a genuinely amazing dad and wants to go for 50% as it seems the 'fairest' but when they start looking at the logistics it starts to feel really impractical. They live a 30 minute drive apart so a morning school run would be an hour round trip for him as a non resident parent. He would rather be the main parent in all honesty but obviously his ex feels the same and won't allow it. So what's left for the non resident parent in these circumstances? Of course his ex wants her share of the weekends too so it's quickly becoming obvious why every other weekend seems to be so common.

What are the options for the parent who wants to be 'a good dad' and parent equally but the logistics just make the child's life harder? I don't know what the answer is but it's definitely more complicated than more time spent with child = better parent.

For my brother, he will of course attend parents evenings etc, but when it comes to routine stuff like dentist and doctor it will always make more sense for his ex to do it because it's right on her doorstep. I always silently judged EOW dad's but seeing it now from other side I don't think there are any easy answers when parents separate.

If the dad is a good dad, I would feel comfortable with 50/50.

My ex is average at best, and he’s often not at his best. I’ve been the default parent since the kids were born and frankly I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him having them more than EOW, which is all he wants.

2 weekends a month is the bare minimum imo.

where I’m from every second Friday (afternoon/ evening) to Sunday evening is still something common.

But additional days / evenings or even 50/50 is becoming more popular.

Why would the "main roots" need to be with you, and not their father?

My stepson is 50/50 across both households. He cried for years wanting to spend more time at our house with his father, it took my DH years of court and thousands of euro to eventually be awarded 50/50 as his ex had the same view as you (despite the child wanting something else, and she admitted he was constantly asking the same of her... to stay longer at Dads).

My DH doesn't everything a parent should (school, homework, packs lunches, buys clothes and uniform, days out, extra curriculars, trips to the library, makes dinner etc). It would have been horrific for both father and son to only see eachother 4 times a month?

Why is the mothers relationship more important than the fathers?

Completely get it if he was a deadbeat, but surely you'd want no access then?

Couldn’t agree more. My ex does every weekend, but on the 4th usually, DC goes to my mums because I stupidly agreed to this when we got housing after staying with them, and DC was attached, then thought it was a nice touch, as we are a small family, no other grand kids, and been slammed for it on here that the parents should be bonding with the child lol, but again we’re saying does it have to be every weekend with DF, and that EOW is usually how it is ? Is it lolll, so terrible of me to not cancel that one weekend with grandparents, and keep DC myself, just to tot up the total days I do, and increase the total even more. Whilst ExP’s, stays at 6 a month lol. And holidays when it suits him/has to be forced in to it sometimes like he does to me.

I don’t agree that there should always be week day access too, as this is not always beneficial for the child, and plus people think it is just me throwing in my opinion, or we stop our exes doing more lol, they don’t want to.
They don’t need the main carer to tell them, my ex for example is very capable of putting himself forward when he needs/wants.

A lot of MEN do EOW and as such, by some, it’s seen as acceptable.

I can guarantee you that if Mums decided they only wanted to parent 4 nights a month… they’d be slammed as neglectful, abusive, terrible mother etc…

My ex DH does EOW (his choice). And he gets to swoop in once a fortnight and have our children without the stress of work or school runs (at the weekend) nor is he frantically worrying about planning meals, clothes, appointments for the following week because once his “Disney Dad” weekend is over he can hand them back and have 12 days to do as he pleases. He’s able to sustain a relationship, hobbies, etc in a way that I couldn’t imagine. As such I’m the stressed, tired and burnt out parent who is much more structured and less fun, so our DCs think he’s amazing.

Its piss poor and I don’t care how common it is, it’s a disgrace that two adults can make a decision to bring lives into this world and one can decide to walk away from their responsibilities.

Seeing your child 4 days a month is not being a good parent. While I wouldn’t have wanted to not see my children 50% of the time, I would recognise that them having as close a relationship with their dad as with me is in their best interest. 50/50 should be the starting point for all parents. Any parents who isn’t close to that is not a ‘good’ parent imo.

so, what is it about him that made you say he's a fantastic father?
Or are you now just realising he actually isn't one?

OP that is typically the norm around where I'm from too. Everyone I know who shares kids with an ex does every other weekend really. I'm not saying it's great but it is normal.
My partner has his every Wednesday overnight and then every other Fri/sat/sun night. Extras in school hols etc. They previously lived with us for about 8 months but since they went back to their mum's she won't let him have them 50/50 and he doesn't want to drag it through court for the kids sake, which is frustrating but having been through court myself years ago I also understand. So it's not always through choice!

EOW seems to be the norm. How a dad acts towards his children before and after divorce is completely different. In my experience men find it easy to get on with their new lives and not be so involved with their children. Women don’t. My ex said he would fight in court to get custody of the children. Then he walked out of the door and didn’t contact them or me for six weeks. They were heartbroken. After that he had them EOW for 24 hrs. That is two days per month and that is all he wanted. I would have been happy with 50/50 but he chose to live away from their school.

Kids are adults now and he sees them a lot more. They still love and adore him.

OP just because something is common doesn't mean it's good. EOW works often because both parents should get weekend time with kids (hence the contact not being every weekend) but as others have pointed out, its 4 days a month. That's not parenting. My ex has done EOW and increasingly somewhat less for a decade. Our now teen kids dont mind seeing him but they know they are not his priority.

What on earth are you on about. You can’t expect t to start multiple threads with differing and contradictory Information and not expect posters to enquire

Those dots were surely already there if you have posted enough for the pp to query a inconsistency. And none of that in anyway leads someone to find you. Having a lazy ex who sees his kid the bare minimum tells absolutely no one who you are or where you are.

He's such an amazing Dad the child often doesn't want to go with him because he's not someone they actually know that well.

Interesting OP that you haven't answered the points about what makes him such a great dad, specifically answering if he knows the details of his child's life.

That's not a fantastic father. That's a father who wants a relationship whilst doing the bare minimum. Sure he loves his kid and likes doing fun stuff, but not too often cos he has his own life too and parenting shouldn't get in the way.

I probably wouldn't. My mum tried very hard to keep my opinion of my dad positive. The thing is.. my dad was an abusive alcoholic but she kept telling me that "he loves you in his own way". All it did was ingrain in me from a young age that violence is an acceptable way to show love. It would save me a lot of trouble in my early dating history if my mum was more open to having honest conversations with me about my father. I know it is an extreme example but I would be cautious about what impression you give to your children.

How is 2 days I n14 as much as possible?

I wouldn't want 50/50 either but I thimk thry need to see their Dad more than a few days a month.

@Bollixtothat lots of mums, married or not, work part time to care for their children? Is that a slight? Or only if they’re single?

Your space is still safe....