To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

I think that good fathers would want their child 50/50 and would move mountains to make that happen. Anything less isn't good parenting.

(My exH finds an excuse to cancel his weekday with his children and has only started having the youngest EOW fairly recently into the 14 years we haven't been together. He is a crap father).

I don't know if I'm just being stupid but J can't do the maths 😂 How is it 16 nights? Or do you mean when you include the holidays and divide it evenly over the year that's how it works out?

I completely agree it's not a one size fits all, and particularly when they are teens they generally get more say.

My children stay at their dad’s on a Tuesday and Wednesday night overnight and then Friday night one week, Saturday the next alternating. It means I see my children every day so they have the stability but also that he does school pick ups and drop offs, clubs, homework, boring mundane things that means it’s a more equal split. He isn’t just fun weekend dad! It works well for us. Happy to message and elaborate

Maybe it's just because I'm in Ireland where services etc are all but more slack... but a dentist appointment, doctor appointment etc aren't everyday occurrences so 30 minutes here and there is fine. Extra curriculars you just manage between parents when arranging what days each parent has access and obviously the child comes first so for weekend games etc it's just the child's time and not wother parents really.

You make a choice... you either do what it takes to be a 50/50 parent (including fair share of schooling and medical etc) or you default to having less access. Parenting is expensive for both sides. Yes, driving around gets expensive but it's also expensive when the RP has to pick up the slack and do the driving (even if less) and feed the kids or bring them to the activities etc and have less "free time".

Lots of people say they want 50/50 but don't really want to have to put in the effort unfortunately. Whether that's distance, living a really low key life or getting a 2nd job.

It's the equivalent of 8 days a month, and 16 nights. For our situation, we also have her every holiday for the full holiday, and 5 weeks of the summer holiday. As I said in an earlier post, we used to have her every weekend and during the week but she is older now and hates getting up earlier. There is not one size fits all approach especially when you have teens. I also have an older teen DD who only goes to her dads when she wants to, which can sometimes be all the time, and sometimes can be weeks. For the OP though, her contact seems pitiful.

It gets expensive? Try being the RP. Even if you get cms, its a pathetic amount as a % of income. If i could ring fence that on my salary, hand it over and forget about my two teens for a month I'd be quids in. (And I earn the same as my ex). Yes being a parent is expensive and time consuming and inconvenient. Tough.

OP, you asked what people consider a 'fantastic father' to be. Let me give you the example of my DC's father. He does at least as much childcare as I do (sometimes more), he handles most of the school related and hobby related stuff, does his share around the house, and I am able to go away by myself fairly regularly without having to worry. I will not accept any less than this, because this is at least what most husbands and fathers have.
A man who sees his child every other weekend is little more than a sperm donor IMO.

Because it would make 50/50 easier for their child? My brother doesn't want her to, he's happy that his son gets to live there but the distance does make some aspects of being a hands on dad more difficult for him. That's all I'm saying.

There's no issue per se, but it gets expensive and but when I think about all the little things I do for my own daughter - a 5 min school run, a drop off for a club round the corner, a 5 min round trip to drop her off at a party, it would make my life a nightmare to be constantly doing all these little things in another town 30 minutes away in the car. Hence why we all usually choose a doctors surgery, school, dentist etc local to us. That's what is being asked of my brother to maintain 50/50 and while I have no doubt that he will do it the best he can, I can see slightly more why sometimes more things start to fall to the resident parent after splitting.

Please stop telling your DC that her father is a fantastic father. Do you really want her to grow up and accept this appalling lack of effort from a man?

We used to have this arrangement, EOW then exh came over for dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays. He gave up the Tuesday evening pretty quickly. We kept the Thursday evening for 5 years until recently! I put a stop to it because I got fed up of having my exh in my space, putting the tv on for the kids and not engaging with them, making a mess of the kitchen and bathroom, I’d still have to be there to ensure they did any homework set, he was supposed to do bedtime but he’d always end up leaving before they were asleep. The last straw was when my exh broke a slat on ds1’s bed. I offered exh to take the kids out for dinner but he declined, surprise surprise.

50/50 is what good dads would want, if it really isn’t practical then at a bare minimum coming over for dinner twice a week would be better than eow

Friday - Monday though only really adds Friday evening? It's still only 2 full day, and a half day. So equivalent of 5 days a month?

You say the ex could equally do so... but why would anyone who CAN afford to (granted with help from her parents) move to a less affluent or less nice area away from where the child has been raised to date? That makes no sense.

What's the issue with your brother spending an hour in the car on a morning? It's not everyday... and its only 30 minutes for the child which realistically isn't a massive amount of time?

Are you saying that your Ex only sees your DC for 1 day and no no overnights? So just 4 days per month? I posted earlier that we do EOW with my DH's DC, for agreed reasons, but it is not 4 days a month. Its Friday - Monday. and every holiday, bank holiday weekend. She lives further away (mothers choice) and she's a teen now so wants to stay with us for ,longer and not get up earlier! But if it is truly 4 days a month that is appalling.

Well yeah on paper he could just 'move closer' but we all know the cost of housing in this country is just insane, especially for a single person in a particularly nice area. His ex could equally do so but nobody expects her to.

A NRP being willing to accommodate and it being practically possible and optimum for the child are 2 different things. Especially when the child's life and routine are already set.

If this is your benchmark for a “fantastic” father than I dread to think what you think a less than fantastic father looks like.

And as for constantly telling your child that her father is amazing - all that’s going to do is mean her benchmark is as low as yours for a father

Why on earth are you telling your DC that their dad is "amazing"?!?! I've never known anyone to talk about an ex like this to their kids!

Be civil, yes. Don't talk bad about them, obviously. But anything other than that, no. Your child will see for themselves. You don't need to try to mask anything for them.

It's hugely unpopular opinion but a good dad (or mum) would not be inviting another adult to live in the home of their child and certainly not another adult who has their own children. Nor having further children. It's really common, of course, but if people were genuinely making life decisions based on what is best for their children, they wouldn't do that.
Seeing your dad 4 days a month while he lives with your step-sibling or half-sibling 100% (or close to that) of the time is not optimal for a child. I would never have another baby after divorce, knowing that my first child would only ever be with me 'sometimes' and leave to go to their dad's knowing that my new child was with me all the time.

A really good parent would see their child as much as they possibly could, would phone and facetime on days they weren't in person, would take half the holidays off and use all their annual leave on time with their child, and wouldn't invite other people to live with them until their child was an adult.

Not all EOW arrangements are equal

For some it will mean school pick up fri-sunday/Monday, picking up after school on an extra evening or two in between, covering half of school holidays and calling on days they don't see them.

For others it will be taking them for a few hours (when he other parent has already got them fed, ready & packed a bag) then nothing for two weeks.

He moves closer? I never understand this argument unless its totally impossible financially. Dads especially seem to be 'unable' to make changes like change of location or job to accommodate child related things but they can do it quick enough when it means some benefit to them like a new relationship. The fundamental heart of it is that many NRPs come to see contact as an interruption to their normal life that gets altered if its inconvenient. The RP builds their life around the child, their school location etc. They change or decline jobs and promotions because it doesn't work for childcare. They change plans if a child related issue comes up. NRPs seem to just shrug and say 'oh no, I can't accommodate that'. Its a fundamentally different mindset.

Her parents are wealthier and helped her stay there basically!

It's part of what is tricky - DB knows that the area is objectively better for his DS to live in including better schools. His job is very flexible so that's not really the issue, he just can't afford to live there, but is glad that his DS is able to. It just makes being a good, hands on dad that bit trickier for him.

What do you class as a fantastic father? Children who have their father in the family home are likely to have a different relationship as it's less of a novelty.

Not intended to be goady btw.

My ex lives 1.5 hours away, by choice. I didn’t move. He arguably lives in an area where his rent is higher than it would be to remain closer to his children, but being so far away means he can live his life with his new girlfriend.

Never involved in school runs, parents evenings, doctors appointments etc… that’s all left to me to work out around my work. By day 12 when he collects them I am absolutely shattered.

I think you need assess whether your child is happy with the arrangements rather than whether you and your ex are. You say you 'know' she wouldn't want more but do you? My DH has a daughter and actually doesn't have 50/50 because his ex moved away to 2 hours away. We used to see her every weekend sat - Monday, and t - w during the week but it got too much taking her to school for her, she was too tired. She is also a teen now and doesn't want to come here every weekend as she missed her friends. So she sees us every other weekend F - M. They have a close relationship and call and text every day. I do think having an open conversation with your child would be useful, so you don't impose your views (that you think the main relationship should be with the mother) on her. It's never easy co parenting but open communication is always the best way.

Why can she afford it and he can't?
Not trying to be nosey just wondering was there a large difference in earnings or did she keep the house in a divorce or something?

My DH had to make a choice and stuck with crappy jobs with a degree of flexibility so he could be a 50/50 father. For the likes of dental appointments etc it's always just a case of who has the kid that day takes them.