To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

My eldest is with his dad every weekend unless him and his OH are going out which they let me know in advance. (Never a problem as this is his home and everybody needs a weekend away at times). He will also spend ad-hoc weeks over there during the holidays and we alternate his Christmas and birthday. This year I have him for Christmas and his dad had him for his birthday. We tend to work things out pretty well and communicate any changes either of us would like. My son is also old enough to be making his own decisions with it so he will say if he wants an extra week during the holidays with his dad or if they're doing something he's not particularly interested in he'll ask to stay here.

I don't think your child's father has them enough, although I don't agree with a 50/50 arrangement either. I say that as someone who shares care of our DD with her Dad 50/50, and the only person who's happy with the situation is my exH. DD (8yo) has expressed that she'd prefer to spend more time at mine and I'd be happy with this, but her Dad won't agree to it. He is a good Dad in many ways but can be a lazy parent (hence why DD would prefer to be at mine) and he's always been a bit selfish. I think there is a middle ground to be found with your child's father. He should have them more than 2 weekends per month.

EOW is pitiful.

I think it all depends on the kids tbh and the parenting styles.

If both parents actually parent (actively involved in school, social life, sports or clubs, dental or medical etc) then there is often a sense of security in both homes as opposed to (for example) the mother doing all the routine parenting and Dad just being a 'Disney Dad' or vice versa. Also both parents have to be committed to location to a degree... we live outside of town but my DSS can get a train into town at the weekend if needed (one stop, 10 mins) or we can usually drive him in too to see his school friends (15 mins drive). But if we lived further out or weren't as freely available for lifts I think as he gets older he'd choose to stay more with his mum for social reasons.

Also because he lives 50/50 between both homes he actually has friend groups at both homes so sometimes we pick him up on his Mums days to see his friends here (mum doesn't drive).

On the flipside one of his friends parents are also seperated and that boy goes to stay with his Dad for 2 Fridays a month, and out for dinner once a week. His older sister (about 15 or 16) never stays with her dad. Their father doesn't get involved in schooling or extra curricular, it's hit and miss if he'll bring them to see friends and tbh the mother is absolutely run ragged doing this that and the other. The boy seems to have a good relationship with his dad from what I know, but definitely wouldn't go to live with him.

I think every scenario is different and whilst 50/50 always seems the fairest, it's not always in the child's best interests.

Agreed... there's generally 30ish days in a month. It doesn't have to be 15 days each versus 26 to 4 days... there's lots of wiggle room to make it fairer and easier and adaptable to each child's needs.

The general theme is that the parents of kids doing 50/50 say it works fine. The kids, and adults who grew up doing 50/50, say it was crap.

By the time they get to teens they are usually sick of living between 2 homes and pick a primary residence.

This. 50/50 doesn’t work for the kids. They need a base and to see the other parent as much as possible. EOW is nowhere near enough.

@Tamtimmy children are still very young but I know they’d love more time with their Dad.

Since my marriage ended I did date someone who had kids who were older than mine (pre teens). He was a twat of a partner but in fairness a good Dad, they did 50/50 on parenting and he was very hands on with the kids (homework, school stuff etc). He did acknowledge however that as the kids got older it may be that they chose to spend more time at their Mums house (she kept the family home which was bigger and meant the kids didn’t have to share), and she was closer to where their friends/school were… so I imagine as many others on this thread have said, as children get older and have more autonomy they may choose to spend their time differently.

I don’t think anyone who’s a good parent would only be a parent 4 days a month.

Even if you did not do 50/50 I’d expect more than just waving of hands and 4 times a month and maybe the odd holiday.

Both parents should get fun stuff and school stuff and half the holidays each to be a proper involved parent.

Genuine question and no judgement. Do kids feel secure doing a 50/50 split? I can imagine feeling that I didn’t truly belong anywhere if I was being shuffled between two houses every week. I guess it depends on communication. A good open relationship between parents and child and between the parents themselves. I would not like only having my teens with me 50% of the time.

50/50 is not disruptive to a child used to both parents parenting equally and engagingly. It’s only disruptive when one of those parents has only ever ‘babysat’ or parented when the safe base parent is also home.

I hate the assumption that it’s best for the child to have 50/50 and that the default is it’s not disturbing unless in cases of abuse because overwhelmingly it will be disturbing as it’s a rare father who actually parents equally- genuinely equally as in interacting and care role. so generally yes 50/50 is disruptive for a child but it’s not because it’s 50/50 it’s because they are away from their secure/safe base parent.

it’s like young kids in childcare 40-50 hours a week. Decent childcare that’s not damaging poor quality childcare then it absolutely is. It’s the same for fathers- lots of time with a pants one is going to be unsettling but that’s because of the quality of care not because they are away from their mothers.

father to my older children does EOW in theory but it’s more like one weekend a month after the first couple years after split/till he got new partner. He’s a shit father. I class EOW as shit parenting.

my youngest dad basically has him 50/50. I have him all week day times and ex has him most weekends. Overnights are 50/50. He still pays maintenance even though he technically doesn’t have to because he earns significantly more than me and because I’m a childminder having my own child takes a space I’m not paid for. I still don’t think he’s a great dad either, he’s good enough but it’s all unhealthy diet poor routine and I don’t think he’s had brushed teeth enough etc. if a woman patented how he does they would not be seen as a good mum at all- simply adequate.

a good dad would be doing 50/50 and also do 50% sick child care, the life admin of vaccinations dentist new shoes and reading to them/homework not just Disney dad parenting

Id say its a broadly true representation of the majority. Of course there will always be exceptions but given the restrictions that being the RP puts on earning power, childcare costs which are not always covered, if at all by UC and given the huge imbalance in outlay between an NRP paying cms and what a resident parent has to find if they are doing 95% of the parenting, Id say its pretty rare that an RP is better off unless they are unusually high earning or the NRP is lazy or unwilling to upskill and happy to send the £7 pw deemed acceptable if on benefits. I of course exclude disability and genuine illness from this.

I understand the point of view that 50:50 is disruptive for children but but there's a lot of in between space - the divorced couples I know tend to do EOW plus one night a week, plus 3 weeks min over school holidays

OP if it works for you don't rethink it.
Honestly stability is often best for the children and many a child psychologist has quedti9ned the wisdom of 50/50.

I work in a school and would also question the wisdom of 50/50....
Of course in your situation, you do most of the work and many mothers understandably don't want this or can't offer this.

50/50 is most equitable but it's not always best for the child. So many variables... there's no right answer.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned - but EOW is often quite a lot more than 2 days per fortnight. A weekend, in 'step child' terms, can often be Friday to Monday, plus a midweek night.

My daughters hobbies tend to start at 4pm. So I collect her from school (5 min walk), bring her home for a quick snack and drop her at her club (2 min drive) then I come home and work until I pick her up at 5.

Super quick and convenient for me, for my DB not so much. He absolutely will do it because he is a good dad, but I think the point I'm trying to get at is that I can see why in certain cases the RP ends up being the 'default', a lot more than I could before when distance is involved.

This is a generalisation. My ex SIL is FAR better off than my brother. My DB initially offered to be the RP and her to do EOW plus a weekday but she said absolutely not, make of that what you will.

So you don't every weekend, not every other weekend? I think that's where I was getting confused because you mentioned EOW in one of the earlier comments.

That makes more sense 😂

We live 15 mins drive from my DSS mother, but his rugby and basketball and school are all an extra 10-15 minutes further. But we make it work. It takes us 25 minutes to drop him to school. His mother lives 10 minutes drive maximum but as he gets a schoolbus from there, it actually takes him 40mins!

I'd get it if it was maybe 45mins for a 4yr old can seem long but honestly as they get older than 25-30 minutes in the car is sometimes the only downtime you get to chat.

There are definitely ways of making it work more evenly (perhaps collect on a Thursday and drop back on a Monday so it's only 2 trips to school every 2nd weekend but 4 nights with NRP as opposed to 2 etc).

Basically, if they want it to work they'll make it work.

No its me sorry. We generally do Friday - Tu, or Th - Mo so its 16 nights, but 3 nights would be 12! Its getting harder as she is now in year 8 and has clubs and things, and wants to hang out with friends after school and not travel to us. But we have very ogood foundations and I think she has a great relationship with her Dad from formative years.

I agree with this. 30 minutes is nothing. My kids are going to a holiday club in the summer which is 30 mins away from home, then another 20 minutes for me to work. Then the reverse in the evening. Plenty of privately educated kids do that kind of journey every day to school. Even some kids in secondary comprehensives have a longer commute than that.

If the parents decide that that doesn’t work for the kids, then the NRP should be paying well over the minimum maintenance as a compensation for time/loss of earnings etc.

On the what makes a good father point, I think it’s important that regardless of time spent, the mother isn’t the default.

I was at a bbq once sitting chatting to this kids mum and dad, and the dc came up and said ‘dad, did you pack me any spare socks?’ It occurred to me that you hear sentences like that very rarely. As it happens she was a sahp, he woh, so it isn’t about time spent.

My DH only has his children EOW and in the holidays, primarily due to distance as their mum moved away with them after the split to be near her own parents (which DH accepted and understood). They have always met halfway to hand them over.

They have a good relationship with him and speak every day but obviously it's not ideal as he is not really a part of their everyday lives, in terms of meeting their friends, watching any hobbies (they don't have any these days, he did used to go up and watch some football matches if SS was playing), just generally knowing their routine etc.

I think ideally if it were possible he would also have them one evening a week, which seems to work well for many people and would allow him to be a part of their school week and routine, but unfortunately it's not.

Tbh the only other couple I know who have separated do do 50/50 with their son, but certainly when I was younger every other weekend and one evening during the week was the norm. I think things tend towards 50/50, or close to, a bit more now - which could also be due to the cost of living as it enables both parents to work more.