To ask, what people’s expectations are for how often a father has the child?

50/50 . A few days a month is not parenting , its visiting

If its a 50/50 arrangement then you have to end up with a schedule that means you can work and parent. Contact time isn't rare or occasional so its perfectly reasonable to be at work during some of it. I didn't sit at home when my kiddies were young just to be there..I was working full time and they were in school or childcare. I agree if an NRP is only having 4 days a month contact they need to arrange their work so those days are clear.

Agree and if people want the break, then it’s amazing. In this case she absolutely didn’t want the break and it was pursued by an ex in the interest of ‘being seen to do the right thing’, who’d previously never done a days childcare in his life.

I’m sure there are lots of perfectly happy split families who’ve struck the balance just right for them, but I do think we need to stop with the x contact = good dad, y contact = bad dad, it’s just not as clear cut as that.

That is not being a fantastic father / parent.
A parent provides a stable and loving home for their child.

A parent provides the basic materials e.g. clothes, school supplies, food, heating.
A parent ensures good health care - identifies illness / issues (e.g. eye sight issues, tooth decay, mental health issues) and seeks care
A parent supports education - teaches kids to tie shoes, to self regulate, supports homework, liaises with school
A parent supports social development - takes kids to clubs, supports their friendships, plays, provides toys and social opportunities

Your ex is a Disney dad. He has a fun time with his kid 4 days per week which is great but when was the last time he booked them a Dr appointment or bought them socks?

My friend is a teacher for example. Her ex pursued exactly what you mention. Except he's a plumber and so his early mornings meant he was having to leave the children with his parents overnight all the time so he could leave for work at 5am. Meanwhile, my friend was sat home alone for more than half the holidays, while her children were with their grandparents.

I have heard of similar scenarios. A parent ends up with a schedule they really can't accommodate, so the children end up with a grandparent/relative etc.

But some people view 'access' as time for the parent and child to be together, others view it as one parent giving the other a break.

Sharing weekends is pretty normal, as obviously both parent want to be able to take their kids on outing, without having to weight months for the next school holiday.

It seems really strange that the court wouldn't allow him after school or holiday contact though. Did they give a reason for that?

Yeah I get what you're saying but in reality very few couples have a totally 50/50 division of childcare, it should follow naturally that it won't remain if the family separates. I don't think it makes someone a bad parent if they can't have 50/50 (or if the child doesn't want that), or necessarily a good parent if they do.

I didn't necessarily mean more in the holidays for the dad. I just meant one does more holiday than term time. Just average 50/50 would be a good parent either mum or dad.

I have a friend who the mum does more holidays because of the work scheduled of both parents. Mum has a term time self employed job but works longer hours in term time. Is basically off the holiday so for them it works better that mum has more holidays and less term time.

More in holidays means mum does the donkey work in term time and then dad gets the bulk of the quality time in the holidays. No situation is perfect when it comes to working out what's best. It really depends on the families.

My friend is a teacher for example. Her ex pursued exactly what you mention. Except he's a plumber and so his early mornings meant he was having to leave the children with his parents overnight all the time so he could leave for work at 5am. Meanwhile, my friend was sat home alone for more than half the holidays, while her children were with their grandparents.

It wasn't obvious, because CMS is based on a NRP's gross salary so to get that figure he'd either be on benefits or working very very few hours. That coupled with your 'doesn't' means that assuming he doesn't work was a pretty logical conclusion.

That's fair though... she had no weekends. She did the brunt of the parenting and didn't get to enjoy free time with the kids.

Was there a reason he didn't have midweek from the get go?

Strange that if they had an agreement before hand that they couldn't agree something outside of court though.

This.
A good dad would be 50/50 in my eyes. Whether than is weekly 50/50, more in holiday time and less in term time etc. But 50/50 average.
As long as their are no safety issues, then I see no reason why one parent should gave more contact time that the other - and this I think is a common expection where I am from / my friends etc when people have separated.

Yes mum wanted more quality time apparently and my partner tried to compromise but ultimately they couldn't agree as he didnt want to lose the little time he had. Court sided with mum

Why did this go to court though... something obviously happened for it to be altered

My ex has DD Sunday morning to Tuesday evening every week.

My partner sees his daughter only every other wkd, after the courts changed it from a private arrangement of every wkd. Its 4 days a month, he is left out of everything decision wise and he has had to have counselling to cope as it affects him on a daily basis not seeing his child. I dont see why mums should get the majority of time when the dad is also available and wants to be involved.

K babes

This was far from an obvious typo. It really did look like you were stating your DH doesn't work and isn't a SAHD. Your aggression towards that poster is uncalled for.

Forgot to add, if he has the kid 2 nights EOW (52 nights a year) that £45 is reduced by 14.29%, so becomes £38.50. And if he moved 3 hours away to be with Woman C, he can apply for a variation to deduct the cost of the full he uses to collect the child for contact.

My ex moved to the other end of the country from his kids after we separated and sees his kids every 2nd or 3rd weekend. Not always overnight either. And hes absolutely not interested in taking them during school holidays either 🙄 that would be too much work of course.

according to him, the kids base is with me and this is what’s best for their stability 🤯

despite all this he likes to slag off my parenting from 350 miles away. He can’t stand that I’m still managing to have a life post divorce. It’s alright for him to have all the freedom of course but I’m supposed to be home for the kids every minute of the day/weekends when hes not visiting (not parenting….. visiting!)

when we were together I wouldn’t have said he would be so spectacularly shit if we separated. I genuinely thought the public perception of his parenting would make him do more than this. I thought he’d find a new gf and play Disney dad or get her to do all the work. I didnt envisage him starting a long distance relationship with an ex and pissing off entirely

When was the last time you looked? I'm not sure it's ever been as high as 20%, it's currently 12% for 1 child, 16% for 2 and 19% if there's 3 or more children.

As BudgetBuster says, that's what he pays, not what the mother receives. If he had 2 children to two mothers, he'd still pay 16% and each child would only get 8%. If he then moves in with a woman with kids, it will be reduced further as he can claim he supporting his "step kids".

So, worked example.
Woman A marries what seems to be a nice man with average wage (say £35k) and has child. She the finds out nice man is having an affair and the OW (woman B) is pregnant. Woman B leaves him when she finds out she was the OW, then 6 months later he moves in with Woman C and her 3 kids.

First the 35k is reduced by 16%, for the step kids, leaving £29400. He pays 16% of that in CMS (£4704), which is split between women A & B, so each get £2352/year or £45/week.

That doesn't even cover half the kids food, let alone be considered payment in lieu of all the additional work, and lost earning potential the mother puts into raising the child.

In the context of the entire thread, and the other responses to the posters (stupid) questions... it shoild have been obvious. But it's clear that poster didn't bother reading the threads and just decided to berate my husband and ask personal questions.

To be fair I’m not sure it was obvious it was a typo, a typo is usually a misspelling not entirely the wrong word. I don’t think you can get huffy because someone was responding the words you actually wrote.

🙄 It was obviously a typo.. he does work.

Now can you F off and read the actual thread... your comments are glaringly incompetent

he doesn’t work and is not a sahd.

what is his contribution to the household then?

the calculator is pointless for your situation. If your dh doesn’t work then you’ll get 20% of nothing. Regardless of how much or little he has the children.