Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

This is inaccurate. The disclosure scheme is exactly for checking out new people in your, or your DCs lives. They don’t have to have done anything to justify you wanting to know. Otherwise all the lovely domestic abusers who don’t show their true colours until they’ve reeled you in wouldn’t qualify until he’d maybe battered you for the first time. Bit late then.

So while you can’t check out creepy Geoffrey over the road because he gives you the ick, you can if he is going to become your DCs new grandfather

It’s up to the police to decide if seeing the DC a few times a year fulfills this criteria but it’s worth asking. Obviously it’s still not foolproof and I wouldn’t take a lack of disclosure as meaning a patent can totally relax.

I’m astonished at the posters saying the OP should have told a white lie about the DC being unsettled or giving her space just to save her mother’s feelings. If she can’t see this is not about insulting the integrity of her OH but about safeguarding her own DGC then she’s a very silly woman. He may be a lovely man but I’d never assume because he doesn’t give off pedo vibes (whatever they may be)

I would have you you were worrying over nothing, until my mums boyfriend of 6 years climbed into bed naked with me one night. Apparently it was an accident....

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

Why on earth not?

I see several people mentioning carrying out Clare's or Sarah's Law checks (and this is said a lot on Mumsnet) and just wanted to say that while I know the intention is to genuinely try and be helpful, this kind of situation isn’t what those are designed for. If someone has specific concerns such as worrying or alarming behaviour, specific incidents occurring or a gut feeling which is backed by concrete evidence not just a suspicion then they can ask the police to check whether a person has a relevant history of abuse, violence or sexual offences. It’s not intended as a general background checking service for every new partner or person in someone's life.

In the case of the OP, I agree with the decision they made entirely and would have done the same.

You were right, however I wouldn’t have stayed at all with a man I didn’t know staying there.

It seems I'm going against the grain here but I would trust my mum's judgement and not worry about it, why does everyone assume everyone is an abuser these days? My mum is a good judge of character though so maybe that makes a difference and I know she wouldn't put her own grandchildren at risk and would have got to know the person well enough before inviting her family stay whilst he's there.

YABU - you have effectively told your mother you do not trust her judgement and think you are a better judge of character than she is.

People are not necessarily saying OP's mum should do these checks. They are saying that without them she definitely cannot say with any certainty that her new partner is safe around children.

I see several people mentioning carrying out Clare's or Sarah's Law checks (and this is said a lot on Mumsnet) and just wanted to say that while I know the intention is to genuinely try and be helpful, this kind of situation isn’t what those are designed for. If someone has specific concerns such as worrying or alarming behaviour, specific incidents occurring or a gut feeling which is backed by concrete evidence not just a suspicion then they can ask the police to check whether a person has a relevant history of abuse, violence or sexual offences. It’s not intended as a general background checking service for every new partner or person in someone's life.

In the case of the OP, I agree with the decision they made entirely and would have done the same.

If the man was decent he would never had stayed and given you respect and space.

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

I wouldn’t even spend the night at someone’s house with my children with a random man I didn’t know also staying. Surely, you only visit a few times a year if this was the first time you’ve met him. They could forgo the love fest for one weekend so she could focus on her grandchildren, right?

Cautionary tale, my mum had a boyfriend (now husband) that she met online dating. I always found him a bit weird, but couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. His children were NC with him and he doesn’t have any friends. We live far from each other though, so didn’t spend loads of time with him. I never allowed them to sleep in the same place as my dc. When she visited alone, she stayed with us. When they visited us together, they got a holiday let.

Found out several years in that he was convicted of sexually abusing his daughter, hence why all his children are NC with him.

Now this absolutely does not mean this guy is some creepy paedo. Of course, not all men are. But you are 100% right to trust what feels safest in your gut. Anyone who is truly above board and respecting your boundaries would take no offence to that.