Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

WTF have I just read - she wants to hurt them to make them cry???? She’s not right in the head

You reap what you sow and in a few short months when you are desperate for help she may just not bother

Not to take away from the OP's upset which is obviously genuine (but it's hormone driven)

Mumsnet header "My parents won't offer regular childcare" etc etc.

I provide regular childcare for my grandchild. I held him within 2 hours of his birth. I watched over him and held him while his mother slept and took him to her when he needed feeding. I helped her. She'd had major surgery. She seriously appreciated that. And so did my son in law.

If she had rejected my help and my presence at that time, and told me I'd have to wait a week to see my grandchild I would have been gutted.
Fair enough, her choice. But it would have told me where I stand.

I wasn't sure I'd read that right the first time. If it was a 'joke' then it's still bloody weird enough that I'd be very wary having her around my newborn. If it wasn't then obviously she's a psycho who I definitely wouldn't want around my newborn (or me for that matter). And for her to have the arseache with you after saying that is bonkers. So all in all I'd be giving her a very wide berth, and if that means sometimes struggling with childcare then so be it; better that than leaving my child in the 'care' of a narcissistic nutcase.

Remember a friend saying, 'Look at his little legs. I could eat him up,' but that was before Mumsnet days so I didn't go no contact.
I don't believe anyone threatened to hurt the baby for a moment. Or that your dh couldn't have managed a quick message when he arrived

I know. My dd had a really awful experience, 36 hour labour, baby was huge, got stuck, ended up as emergency c-section. Son in law kept us apprised of the situation throughout. I can't imagine finding out the next day and then being banned from visiting till day four. Is that normal nowadays?

I mean, even dd's mil was getting the same messages.

And I have to confess. When I give gc a bath, I always tell dd I'm going to bite his bum. I think it's all down to birth hormones. Protective hormones are so strong following birth. Six months later you wonder what planet you were on.

We have tried to be understanding but we have gone through a rough time and are obviously exhausted. I have definitely stood up to her and would never let her or anyone else harm my child

Having recently become a grandmother I'm realising how wildly differing expectations and family dynamics are when one becomes a new parent.
My dd had a really awful time when her baby was born a few months ago, ending up with an emergency c section and a week in hospital. Obviously they felt like they'd been through a rough time too and my dd was exhausted almost to the point of delirium. Where the experience diverges is that I was texted by my son in law an hour or so after the birth when they'd got them both settled. I cried with relief. His Mum got the same text. I expect she cried too.
I offered to get the house ready for their return with a meal on the table and they almost bit my hand off. I then offered to watch the baby while they went and got some sleep which ended up as two all-nighters. I actually stayed awake watching the baby in his Moses basket while dd slept on the sofa.
Son in laws mother came on the third day as she lives some distance and took over looking after them all and letting them get some sleep for another couple of days.

Hormones are terrible things after childbirth. Protecting your baby is at it's highest. I doubt very much, very very much, that your mil wants to harm your child. She's just guilty of having old fashioned values and an unfortunate turn of phrase.

Yeah fucking hilarious.. not!

keep her at arms length!

She wasn't important enough to be told. And she isn't - and shouldn't be - the centre of this little family's universe now.

DH's newborn had literally just been born, and his wife had just endured a complicated birth. Baby was born at 11pm and both sets of grandparents were told by lunchtime the next day. It's not like they hid the birth from their parents for months. Telling family within 24hrs, particularly after a complicated birth, is good enough.

I think both the OP and her DH will breathe a weary sigh of relief if the MIL "doesn't bother" to provide her sort of help.

OP, YANBU to feel angry/upset/annoyed at your MIL's absurd and selfish behaviour. (It's completely normal for newborns to sleep a lot, by the way. Birth is an exhausting business, for mothers and babies.). If your DH wants to 'sort it', as you say, then he just needs to be firm and extremely specific and direct with his mother. Don't give her a key to your home. If she has one, change the locks. If she arrives unaccounced, you don't have to open the door. If she doesn't behave in an appropriate way when she does visit, your DH says it's not acceptable and asks her to leave. Never leave her unsupervised with the baby.

Well that was a stupid thing to say 😐. She just makes herself look like a loon . But try not to let her get to you as really , it's up to your DH to deal with her . He needs to sort out his people and support his own family which is you and the baby .

I absolutely would never let her see my baby again, psycho bitch

The kissing and not listening about giving him back isn't acceptable but I suspect you're being massively sensitive and OTT about the comment. I mean seriously, do you think she's an absolute psychopath? Is that the most likely explanation for that comment?

I hadn't seen this when I posted. Same.

She hasn't apologised and has said she hasn't done anything wrong and when she said she wants to hurt the baby to make them cry apparently it was just a joke

Is that what she actually said? Or is that your interpretation?
If she said that it's very odd. But when I went to see my newborn gc he was fast asleep for a couple of hours so I said "Can I poke him?" while waving my finger around in his vicinity. It really was a joke and my dd knew full well it was a joke.
Maybe if it had been her mil she wouldn't have taken it the same way.
Who knows? So just wondering if it could have been that she really was joking.

If she said those words verbatim then it's not surprising it landed badly.

Wtaf op no one in there right mind jokes about hurting a child to make them cry she sounds awful. Op I would ignore her she sounds like she will be a nightmare of a nan she wanted to be first to meet dc but ignored everything you said because there is no respect. I hope you get to enjoy your bonding don’t decide anything permanent but leave her to stew stupid bitch!

Remember a friend saying, 'Look at his little legs. I could eat him up,' but that was before Mumsnet days so I didn't go no contact.

I don't believe anyone threatened to hurt the baby for a moment. Or that your dh couldn't have managed a quick message when he arrived.
Coming round within an hour is v annoying, but in the circumstances, serves you right.

Good lord, no, I'd be having nothing to do with her and I wouldn't have her around my baby.

Absolutely depends on the specifics doesn't it.

'Oh I wish I could pinch him so he cries and wakes, he's so beautiful and I want to see his eyes', whilst staring adoringly is a bit different to 'give him here, I'm going to hurt that baby and make him cry' isn't it?

The kissing and not listening about giving him back isn't acceptable but I suspect you're being massively sensitive and OTT about the comment. I mean seriously, do you think she's an absolute psychopath? Is that the most likely explanation for that comment?

You’re not being over sensitive at all. She’s clearly not right in the head/personality wise. But don’t let this spoil the early days with your newborn. Just do/say nothing and make no contact or drama until she makes contact then you tell her what your boundaries are. That she can come for x time on x date and does not hold the baby as she kissed it last time and that’s a health risk. Tell her you told your health visitor about her “joke” and she’s advised that she’s not left alone or supervised. Take it or leave it situation. It is time to put boundaries in place but when it’s with someone with personality issues (potential narcissistic traits) then they often do go into victim mode. Thats why it’s important not to enter into any drama with them. Learn about grey rock/low contact/boundaries… your husband has been brought up by a damaged parent so he will find it difficult but you’re now protecting your child. So learn how to deal with her without affecting your relationship- triangulation is a common thing they do!

Your future depends on your husband. If he will stand alongside you and tell his mother no and call her out when she crosses your boundaries, you'll be ok - you'll be stressed because she is a narcissistic cow and it will be endless, but you will manage ok. If he is weak and puts his mother's feelings (which are just a performance to get what she wants) before you, you have a miserable life ahead of you and an unhappy child.

I remember my mother pinching babies to get a reaction. To her they were toys for her to play with because she had no empathy like all true narcissists.

There is not a chance she would be involved in her grandchild’s life ever.
she sounds deranged.

id go no contact and if people question it I would tell them exactly what she said!

It's highly likely that she has a personality disorder. People like that are unable to regulate their behaviour.

Your DH and SIL will have been trained from a very early age to deal with a disregulated mother. This means that they have a real blind spot when it comes to dealing with her, and would rather bend to her dysfunctional behaviour than call it out because of the way their mother reacts.

Start the way you mean to go on. She's not your mother and you do not have to pander to her or put up with her unacceptable behaviours. Call her out. Tell her what the consequences will be if she breaks your boundaries, and then follow through.

Congratulations on your baby!

If someone in the situation is going to be miserable, make sure it's not you. Stand up to her. Push back on the "You made her cry" accusations by saying "She uses tears to get her own way, haven't you noticed?"

will they, should they EVER allow her to help?

again, very naive POV

Let her have her theatrics
Let her cry and tell everyone
Don't pander to her nonsense
Cut her off

Sending you a big 🫂

If she was an otherwise normal functional adult I might be able to convince myself that this joke was just a one off brain fart. When it's part of a whole pattern of concerning behaviour you shouldn't write it off.