Would you forgive a mother-in-law after upsetting behaviour with your newborn?

When you say ‘we had a really bad pregnancy and birth’ I assume you’re talking about you and your baby, not your husband? Your posts read like your husband has had a traumatic birthing experience.

Back on topic, your MIL sounds very strange!

I'd be moving far away to a house without a spare bedroom...

It sounds like she is a very toxic person. She isn't going to change - my mother had some similar characteristics (we adopted two children and were told to keep wider family at bay for a while but my mother flew in to meet the children without discussion) and I only coped by moving hundreds of miles away from her. Stay strong x

This gives me flashbacks of my own mother 'helping' by inviting herself to stay for a week after I gave birth and I let her because I didn't want the dramatics from her if I refused. I just wanted to be with my baby, but of course she didn't care about that. It was all about her and her 'right' as a grandparent, not my traumatic birth or anything I wanted.

Maybe your DD and SIL did bite your hand off, or maybe they knew you'd be difficult, who knows. But you cannot use your own story to tell the OP what is right or wrong. The MIL sounds like a nightmare and I wouldn't want her toxicity anywhere near my child, especially while I was healing.

Missing the point of the thread but did you mean that you went in at 8pm and laboured til 11am or was the birth really only 3 hours long??! My second child only took (an intense) 3 hours to come but that was after 3 days in hospital, my 1st was 16 hours of pushing 😳.

As a parent who has a main character MIL, it’s not easy.
I don’t agree with anyone who thinks it is ok to not listen to gentle rules that have been put in place around a newborn. If parents asked not to kiss the baby and to give the baby back if required then ALL visitors should do that.
Being a MIL does not mean those asks can be ignored. If MIL doesn’t find holding a beautiful baby is entertaining enough and mentions she wants to hurt the baby so the baby cries, even if it was said as a joke - it’s weird!
MIL created so much drama at our wedding for no reason at all other than to get attention. It was extremely wearing and DH was embarrassed. I had to bite my tongue the whole day which was hard when she was so rude to my own DM and DF.
OP, your own little family are the most important here. MIL can cry all she wants but she is a grown woman who chooses to behave like this and sp don’t feel guilty about going NC for a while.

So?

Ok the relationship is dysfunctional before the baby even came along . What on earth do you mean she didn't let you have a first dance or cut the cake? That's mad! You just do it!

If you do allow contact then you definitely need some firm boundaries in place. Honestly, you really need your energy for you right now and all this upset must be very difficult for you. Stay strong, it's not you, it's 100% her. I would consider allowing a visit for one hour and not in your home,there's no escape if she visits you. But not now, give it a week or so, go with husband...agree your boundaries in advance. Have an excuse ready so if you need to leave quickly then you've got a reason ready. Do not allow her in your house...whatever you do! If she just turns up, don't answer the door. If you can get away with it, pretend that you are sleeping with the baby upstairs and be clear that you aren't welcoming drop-in guests.

OP, what words were used? Was the word 'hurt' used?

I'd stay no contact

the hurting thing is just plain odd! But the rest is just run the mill control stuff. You and her battling over power. Whe wanted to hold her grand child and kissed without even realising. This is not no contact behaviour.

Our last straw was when she was holding our baby and said she wants to hurt them to make them cry because they don't do anything they just lie there and do nothing

Ok, the undermining would piss me off but..... this?!
Did she actually say this? If so why are you even asking whether you should forgive her and to presumably see her?!
She sounds a danger.
Even if she turned round and said it's only a joke or whatever if pulled up on it, why would you want to take the risk?!

All the grandparents in the thread are making it clear how entitled they feel.

My baby was born at 8:37pm. I left theatre around 10pm and was on the labour recovering around 11pm. I text my family the following morning and my husband went and told his parents the following evening. We told no one that day. I kind of loved being the only ones in the world who knew she was here. I wasn't being bothered with lots of people asking questions or contacting us, we got to spend that time with our baby, totally uninterrupted. No one knew we were in the hospital either.

My sister visited us in the hospital but no one else did. I'd had unplanned major surgery with complications and didn't want people coming in, it was bad enough with midwives and doctors constantly coming in and out. We went home after 3 days, got home late. Day 4 was Christmas day and she met a lot of both our families that day. No one has complained about being told late or not coming to visit instantly because no one has any right too.

If we have another I've already said I will limit visitors in the first few weeks. That includes grandparents. It's a key time if trying to breastfeed and no one is entitled to meet our baby within a set time frame. If the offer of free childcare is revoked due to this then that's their choice. I'd rather pay for childcare than it be used for access to my child whenever they want.

OP I think staying no contact until MIL apologises is best. I went no contact with my mum for years but she has recently apologised. She's never allowed to be alone with my baby but she has contact.

Congratulations on your baby.

Hello - you have described my grandmother, who was a certified narcissist. We didn’t go no contact because that would’ve been a nice drama for her but instead went low contact and carefully managed every interaction. She only had one (old) phone number for us, which always went to voicemail (she rang multiple times per day), we visited her, or met her out somewhere but she was never invited to us - the arrival of a child is the perfect time to simply say you’re out or busy. We did honour birthdays, Christmas etc. with a nice card and some flowers but nothing more.

Stay no contact. The woman is unhinged and not a good person to have around a child. You’ll never be able to let MIL babysit after her ‘joke’ about hurting the baby. Given everything you’ve said about her history I would be really worried about Munchhausen by proxy type behaviour, if you left the child alone with MIL. She’s already using the baby as a way to bring all the attention onto her and her feelings.

If husband wants to maintain contact, I would be reevaluating your relationship with him. He has to choose what family he is part of-hers or yours. You owe MIL nothing, you should not have to deal with the unreasonable histrionics of another adult. Your husband should not expect you to deal with it, in fact he should not be dealing with it either.

You really need to stand up for your child right now and put your foot down- the no contact continues indefinitely. I wouldn’t trust this woman with my goldfish, I certainly wouldn’t want my children anywhere near her.

Forgive, yes.
Let her near your child? No

Sounds bipolar to me , behaviour is quite erratic .

pretty much cut mine off 18 months ago , best thing I’ve ever done , they don’t deserve a seat at our table when they had no respect for me the mother of their grandchild . It’s always the man’s parents that act this way it just comes across as controlling , I think half of them have mummy/ son issues tbh in that they can’t let go of their sons so decide to stay being controlling and making a point in front of their sons wives to show them they’re top of the food chain ( literally )

stay away from her , you have no idea wether she would act on what she said but no normal person in their right mind would say something so sick !

By any chance, are you the MIL?

Even if it does only take a few seconds to send a text, who would want to find out that information by text? Going by past behaviour of her just showing up, she'd have called very quickly after receiving that next.

If the couple do require help, does MIL's behaviour strike you as the person they'd turn to? If so, I fear you have a very skewered view of relationships.

Everyone’s different. I didn’t want to see people straight away after. I felt exhausted, gross and wanted to be in our little bubble for a day or so. But we felt pressured.

your experience sounds like it should be in a film!

But she said in her OP she was in hospital for 2 weeks after birth. So there wasn’t a home safe and sound, making MIL wait for 4 days moment. She was invited into the hospital before they were home safe and sound?

And look I get what you’re saying, I wanted my mum near me after my difficult birth. She couldn’t come to the hospital due to covid rules though and I was in for a few days. I really appreciated her when she did come, like your DD. But nothing about this MIL sounds like the kind of decent, selfless person showing up to help that you describe in your experience with your DD. The way she treated the couple before any of this proved that. OP doesn’t need the kind of help this woman would want to give

There is zero need to explain… the pp who questioned you must have never experienced a medical emergency in a hospital!?!?

I had an extremely difficult birth, 40 hours in labour followed by an emergency section…there were several extremely serious moments including one when I thought my baby had died because his heart beat slowed down so much, the machine stopped beeping and the whole theatre went quiet. Awful.

I probably had ptsd as I remember feeling in complete shock and I later got terrible PND. So we also left it a few hours to let people know about the birth.

I also had an extremely negative experience with my mil during that time and ended up going no contact for about 2 years afterwards. My dh maintained contact ( which was fine by me) but that boundary was firmly in place until
I was ready to allow her back in. Once bitten twice shy tho, please prioritise yourself and your baby during this time. If that means NC then so be it.

Immediately after birth her DH didn’t know if his wife and baby were going to come through. I think it’s pretty cold to hold it against op’s DH that he didn’t immediately think ‘oh I should text Mum’ he was probably in a state of panic

If that had been the case and lives were hanging in the balance my son in law would have rung me immediately if not sooner. And so he should. If he'd been in a state of panic then I could understand if he didn't. But to then say, after everyone is home safe that after all that stress and worry and exhaustion, to then say you can't come for four days. It's incomprehensible to me.
I would have respected their request of course. But I can't imagine a universe where my dd and son in law weren't gladder than glad to see me and accept our help. They were so happy to get home and have us provide food and rest. They felt reassured and supported that we were there to help them get some sleep and look after the baby. My dd wrote me a lovely letter (didn't need to, we only live half an hour away) thanking us for helping her get through the the most demanding and confusing time in her life, for anticipating what she needed post surgery and post birth. I'll keep that letter forever as I imagine she intended.

Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, different strokes for different folks.

She would never be near my child again. Who in their right mind says that? Do not leave her alone with your child ever.

MIL being abit over enthusiastic after birth can be forgiven, but what she said is so worrying. No mentally stable grandparent would ever say or think that.

So the answer to your question is absolutely NO.

How unkind and stupid of her