How to reduce risk to my DC?

but I feel the parents are not respecting my wishes

no words

I would say you are being underprotective and absolutely not over protectove.

Allowing your 9 year old out unsupervised? Knowing that your 9 year old doesn’t stick to your rules whilst out? Doing squat all about the neighbour’s toddler roaming the streets unsupervised?

Totally alien way of parenting to me, and I dont have the history you have

There isn't any safeguarding in place because everyone knows others in the neighbourhood and is ok with their child going into others' homes. There doesn't need to be safeguarding in place. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting your child to join in with this, but it's up to YOU to enforce her rules, not the other parents. If you don't want her going into other's homes, either enforce that on her, or be there with her when she is playing out.

I don't think it's on other people to respect your wishes, they are not your child's babysitter, I presume they are not specifically inviting them over either. It's your child who has to listen to you, and if she doesn't, keep her at home.

See this is what I don’t understand - you allow your DD to go on play dates because you ‘know’ the mums. You have absolutely no idea what really goes on behind anyone’s door regardless of whether you have had chats, been for dinner, been on holiday whatever. Paedophiles are charming and adept and making you comfortable. so by your logic she should not be going anywhere without you and where you can see her the whole time,

however that sounds like a pretty miserable childhood to me so i think it might be a good idea for you to get some counselling and allow her to have her own childhood experiences unencumbered by what happened to you.

Exactly

The 9 year old has demonstrated she isn’t ready to be trusted with playing out independently yet

If she been told that she is only allowed to play out if she doesn’t go into other people’s houses and she doesn’t follow this rule then she doesn’t get to play out anymore.

If she can’t be relied upon to follow rules you set for her when you’re not there to enforce them then she’s not ready to play out on her own yet.

This is a really good idea.

So you’re not going to contact SS about the toddler wandering around unaccompanied?

And you’re still going to allow your 9 year old out despite her demonstrating to you that despite you saying not to go in to others homes - she did anyway?

What do you want her to do when everyone else goes into the house? Because that is leaving her on her own and having to make her way back home.

Your rule doesn’t make sense because she follows it she is putting herself in a situation you don’t want her to be in (and one you have indicated is unsafe) she doesn’t follow it she is on her own which presumably is something you have also told her not to do and also renders her unsafe

so she and you are stuck you have to let her grow but you are concerned she is naive in part due to you being so anxious and concerned

I think you need to start trusting her and give her rules she can work with

Does your 9 year old go on playdates with school friends. OP. It's a hard one to balance. You dont want them left out either. But the 3 year old is def a case of neglect, I would be calling SS.

One thing to keep in mind.

Things hit headlines because they’re rare. Not because they’re common.

The daggers to children are roads, traffic, when they’re slightly older drugs and alcohol. Not friends parents.

It might be worth looking into some counselling to help you calibrate where normal is.

I understand why you feel anxious, given what happened to you. So sorry that happened to you - it's truly horrendous.

However, I don't think it's realistic to never allow your kids playdates in the homes of others. Or rather, yes you can do it, but you will be limiting their social lives somewhat, and one of the greatest pleasures of childhood.

So instead, maybe think about how you can make it feel safer. What if you met and got to know the parents, for example?

This

So why on earth are you allowing your 9 year old unsupervised when she has proved to you that despite you giving a rule - she disobeyed and goes in to people’s houses?

I’m sorry for what you experienced and I can understand why you feel so strongly about protecting your child, especially if you feel your parents could have done more to protect you. However, I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is recognising that there is no way to completely protect them from harm - sometimes the harm comes from being overprotective, sometimes the harm comes from leaving them unprepared for the world they eventually enter without you there beside them, sometimes the harm comes from their own poor choices. You’re doing the right thing by allowing your children some freedom and I think all you can do, once you think they are at the right age to be unsupervised at all is to give them the tools to protect themselves and keep the lines of communication open. @ScaryM0nster has it right here: “Asking them to stay out of neighbours houses when that’s the norm with their friends is a big ask of them. Then you inadvertently create a situation where they feel they need to lie to you. Then it’s harder for them to mention anything that was uncomfortable because they know they’ll get in trouble for having been there.” I have had a mantra that I repeat frequently to my children - ‘you will never be in trouble if you make a mistake and are honest with me about it’.

Op, I was Sa’d too as a child and what I thought caused the most damage, was not what happened but the distrust/fear I felt for men in general in subsequent years. In my case, the perpetrator was another child, a cousin, which proves the point kids are at most risk from people they parents trust and know well.

When I became a mother, I decided that I was not going to protect my child inflicting the damage I had by causing it myself: I didn’t want him to grow up scared or feeling there was danger in every stranger. The way to protect him was to do the basic your privates are private talk, have clear and age appropriate rules he could understand and follow, and ensure we had a very good relationship so he could talk to me about anything that made him uncomfortable. The rest of the work was mine, like you I kept a close eye on him (and surroundings) but again, the key is in keeping communication open so they know they can always talk to you.

When he became a teen, we had a “code”, if he felt uncomfortable or unsafe, just to text three letters to me and I will go and find him wherever he was.

I know that for some people a 9 year old playing in the street alone with their friends is normal, for others is not. It depends on the neighbourhood, the neighbours and the kids they are playing with. You can’t protect them from everything, just build the trust so they keep talking and you can advise and support when things go wrong (and keep scanning the perimeter WITHOUT them noticing).

What are you on about?

Pause. Read the response to which I was responding to. Slowly

I would speaking to social services about the 3 year old, that's far too young to be without close parental supervision let alone out on the street.

As for your 9 year old, she knows she's not meant to be going into people's houses, the other parents not be aware of this unless you've told them, which you haven't unless I've missed something. Does she get any consequences for not respecting the rules? Shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised until she can do what is expected of her. I would speak to the parents about not inviting her in, if she's cold she can come home.

OP I'm sorry that happened to you.

I think the only way you can deal with the immediate issue is by working with your oldest and her understanding of danger - the fact that she doesn't listen to instructions is goign to be a problem in lots of different ways, so you need to make sure that she understands when 'an order's an order'.

I think you could do some research about how to talk about the dangers that adults can pose to children in a way that is age-appropriate but also underlines the seriousness of the dangers.

She needs to understand that there are bad people in the world, that you can't always tell which is which, and that often children only realise that they're bad after the bad thing has happened. You never want anything bad to happen to her, and the way that all good parents protect their children from that is by having rules that can't be broken, because sometimes even adults can't tell whose bad until it's too late.

I don't know if that's right but you get my general drift?

ETA: you can also explain to her that most parents would never let a three yo wander into others houses and that's a sign that she mustn't listen to this particular family, even though they're adults.

I would ground her for a week for not following the rules. There'll be some people along in a minute to say you're paranoid and it hardly ever happens. It happens, all too frequently. I think one very major protective action is not to allow sleepovers. Have you explained in an age-appropriate way why you protect your children in this way, to your 9 year old? No one who let's a 3 year old out unsupervised should have your child in their house. I would keep returning her and report to social care. I was similarly neglected at that age. It's appalling.

So all parents around us are being under protective. Fair.

Could you invite some of the other parents round, get to know them a bit (maybe not the ones with the free range 3 year old).

However, you're never going to know someone 100%. Unless you're going to prevent your children ever going to another child's home, which seems quite a sad state of affairs, you're going to have to let go a little bit (although I can totally see why you'd find that difficult).

Keeping conversations open with your child, as others have said, is probably the best way to keep them safe. Teach them bodily autonomy You can't keep them home forever.

There's a good book about this called something like 'the well armoured child' which talks about ways to identify and reduce risks although it might be a bit of a stressful read given your background , i can't remember the details 💐