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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

230 replies

Sophsholli · 11/04/2026 14:28

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
ERthree · 12/04/2026 12:59

I would have fired into her there and then but that is just me and the better way would be to wait until you are all together and when she either asks you to do something or asks your opinion looked shocked and ask are you talking to me the "awful, thick and ugly one" embarrass the hell out of her.

ALJT · 12/04/2026 12:56

i think I would have said something along the lines of ‘I dunno maybe I’ll just wait until I’m 60 and bored like you did and then I might go get one’

WhereAreWeNow · 12/04/2026 12:53

Really nasty comments. I think I would struggle to move on from that tbh. Horrible to compare her DILs like that and to make comments that were clearly intended to be nasty and belittling.

Kidsrold · 12/04/2026 12:51

Your MIL is an absolute cow. But at least you know now what a horrible person she is and can be wary of her. Personally I would go out of my way to minimize how much she was in my life. She has a horrible attitude and I wouldn’t want her around d me or my family.

Donttellhim · 12/04/2026 12:48

It sounds like she was projecting! Why else get a masters at that age, unless you’re trying to prove something….to yourself or others. I get some people go into education later for more reasons than that, but I’d suggest her reasoning is out of some weird need to compete with her own family!

In regard to other comments about aesthetics, I imagine she means what she says, but again, is this some sort of projection. Whatever it is it’s just a bit weird. She probably thinks this way, but most of our not so pleasant thoughts, we keep to ourselves, especially where they could cause upset. Very bad form from your M.I.L and I’d say also your husband. A bit more understanding would have been more supportive of your valid hurt.

You sound like a grounded and resilient individual, so don’t let those horrid words take hold, it was a drunken rambling, but said so much more about her as a person than you.

gallivantsaregood · 12/04/2026 12:46

BiddlyBipBipBeeBop · 11/04/2026 15:00

“She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”.”

Wouldn’t a delicious response have been “Not at all, but you clearly are!”

I never think of the right reply until well after the event! 🤣

She’s projecting. She did her degree later in life because the rest of her family made her feel inadequate academically.

I 100% agree with you.

gallivantsaregood · 12/04/2026 12:45

Your husband should have your back, but I think she'll be more mortified if you bring it up with her directly, him by your side.

TB23 · 12/04/2026 12:44

In vino veritas. Unfortunately it has to be there to come out when alcohol removes the filter. She was exceptionally rude and hurtful. And she needs to be told that, either by your husband or yourself. And I think either way your husband needs to make his position clear on this. Scenarios like this have very real consequences. I am sure your husband won't want his children compared to other kids in the family like that in years to come.

Bournetilly · 11/04/2026 22:35

I would be NC with her after that, how rude.

newbeggins · 11/04/2026 21:41

She doesn’t think you are good enough for her son.

if this happened to me I wouldn’t confront because I’m not going to persuade her to feel differently. I would be massively disengaging from anything family related in future so I won’t need to be near her - on my way out if she pops by, having migraines and putting my energy and focus into others who think I’m good enough.

luckylavender · 11/04/2026 21:40

That’s horrible OP. If you want her to know how horrible her comments were then you need to do it as your DH will minimise as you’ve seen.

PippaToryFripp · 11/04/2026 21:32

Sounds like she is the one who feels insecure and it’s making her a bitch! I’d wait until she’s she’s sober and in front of the family and say I’ve been thinking about what you said and quote her. So I am going to do a Masters, but like you, I’ll wait until I’m old and have less going on.

dpbarbie9 · 11/04/2026 21:17

Such a nasty thing to say!!

And if it makes you feel any better my MIL always compares me to husband's brother wife and how stunning she is!!

Even said she was better looking on her wedding day than I was.on mine 🥴

Petrolitis · 11/04/2026 20:12

disturbia · 11/04/2026 15:43

She is not a nice MIL ...is she overweight and ugly by any chance? She could be jealous of you. I personally would not give her the satisfaction nor the power to think her unkind comments had hurt me. Rise above it if possible. Wish you well

Yeah because all overweight plain women like me are bitter and jealous.

What a nasty stereotype!

Squirrelblanket · 11/04/2026 20:10

I get it and I'd be hurt too.

If it makes you feel any better, the first time my MIL met my sister she (MIL) said to me after, 'she's such a lovely girl! So pretty and outgoing! She's nothing like you, is she?' 🥴

ShamedBySiri · 11/04/2026 20:09

Possibly she has a massive hangover today and no memory of what she said but maybe an uneasy feeling wondering if she did/said something she shouldn’t have. I’d let her stew. If you see her ask how the hangover is, or say “you must have had a terrible hangover. You were quite drunk weren’t you”. Hint that she behaved badly. Leave her worrying if she did/said something even worse than whatever she remembers. Anytime you are at a social occasion involving alcohol remind her to go easy. Leave it to her guilty conscience to do the work while you serenely rise above it.

Flowerlovinglady · 11/04/2026 20:09

She has shown you what she values and told you her truth - as others have said, "in vino veritas" but none of that has anything at all to do with you. Remember her value system is just something that is in her head - it isn't a ledger of your value in any real sense. It did take me until after my in laws died to realise that I could never please them and would have been better being my own person and not trying to please them. I suggest you just crack on being you - you sound sane, sober and reasonable so well done!

I can understand that she has invested in doing a masters and wants to make that mean something of value but the meaning is hers - let her have it. You've got your own ideas about what is important/of value. You'll be laughing about this in a few years particularly when the "beautiful" DIL disappoints.

Dalmationday · 11/04/2026 20:08

Personally I wouldn’t say anything. I wouldn’t want her to think her opinion was that important that it hurt me.
But I would use it to see who she truly is and avoid much contact going forward.

my MIL has said two similar awful things to me (one drunk and one not) and I just am polite and friendly twice a year. It suits me

FairKoala · 11/04/2026 20:05

Your mil might think a Masters makes her look intelligent and you without one makes you less intelligent.

But really does making nasty remarks to the person who is going to have a hand in choosing your nursing home show intelligence or stupidity

alpenguin · 11/04/2026 20:05

Aw OP I can totally sympathise with you. My MIL tries every which way to insult me in those questioning ways or makes (not so) subtle digs about how I look/present myself. I have more degrees than anyone I know but no PhD (yet) and she told me not to do one as I wasn’t the type. Reading between the lines she’s challenged by my lack of need to be recognised as pretty or smart or anything really as she relies on praise from others and I’m confident enough in who I am not to need external validation.

Your MIL may have been making digs at you but she’s not doing that for any reason to do with you and for every reason related to her own insecurity and need to feel superior. She knows you’re comfortable and confident with who you are and that unsettles her. Being drunk just gives her the courage. Go into every future interaction remembering that.

Also, If she’s only doing it at 60 then I’m guessing you’d have plenty of time to catch up if you wanted to and perhaps point out that you’d expect to have your PhD by her age if you so choose but you don’t see the rush cos that’s ages away for you.

I’m done with taking the higher ground and am all about returning the digs to make me feel better.

Mumandcarer80 · 11/04/2026 20:02

Bitch

Contrarymary30 · 11/04/2026 20:00

I would be very hurt . These are quite passive aggressive comments designed to belittle you . DH needs to have a word and maybe you should have a retort ready for next time she's drunk and obnoxious. I'm sure you are lovely and attractive too .

Rkin33 · 11/04/2026 19:53

I'd hang fire until you consider that you've given her enough time to have plucked up the courage to raise it and, of course, to apologise profusely.
If she doesn't, you might in the course of taking her to task, mention what a shame it is that they don't hand out a spine with a Masters.

Jenasaurus · 11/04/2026 19:44

Sophsholli · 11/04/2026 14:28

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

I am sorry your MIL hurt you with those words, I hope you can move forward from this. It reminded me of when my parents also did a degree when they took early retirement and my dad said similar to me (he wasnt drunk at the time and I think he meant it not to hurt me but it did) he said to me "how does it feel to be the only person in the family without a degree" - This was in 1980, and both my parents have since passed, but it still hurts when I think back to that comment, so understand how painful words like that can be x

Littletink1 · 11/04/2026 19:37

I don't have any relationship with my ex in laws and never did, but if it was me (and I enjoy being petty), I'd make sure the favourite sister in law is the one who has to do everything for MIL from now on and withdraw from it all.