To ask how a child is supposed to make different friends if the whole class is in tight groups/pairs?

We have the same, and it’s really tricky :(

I hate to say it but I sort of agree with this. I’ve seen the kindness bench mentioned on here before and I really don’t think it would have worked in my inner city primary school. I think it would have been used to make fun of people.

I don't agree with this. When I was in primary in Y5/6 I used to love playing with the little ones. If I had seen someone sitting on the bench I definitely would have played. Clearly not all but a lot of kids would.

A new bench combined with an assembly /class talk about kindness should encourage people.

NO. Then it’s going to be, “ha, ha, you sat on the kindness bench because no one wants to play with you!” No one will want to be the “bench monitor child” and will resent being made to play with someone they don’t want to play with. At least some of the kids will figure out that they’re no longer allowed to choose partners because no one chooses OP’s daughter, and then they’ll blame her for that privilege being taken away.

It is a terrible, horrible idea to attempt to help a child make friends through any method that draws attention to the fact that she doesn’t have friends. Also, it’ll make her insecure and suspicious of friendly behavior - does this classmate really want to play, or is s/he doing it because a teacher said it wasn’t nice to leave someone out?

My parents were similar and I've never had friendship issues. Wasn't " left out" at school. Have had some friends for nearly 50 years . And a good local friendship group.

In fact it was rare to have" play date". Even when my own kids were young they didn't do play dates but still ended up with friends coming to us and them going to friends once they were old enough to sort themselves

Hi,

My dd has issues with friend groups around this age. She was really sociable and made friends easily but struggled with groups. Her class has a few "Big personalities" of which she was one. We also had a couple of social engineer parents which didn't help. Sometimes the mix of kids just doesn't work and it's the luck of the draw. Came across a heartbreaking letter to Santa asking for him to help her fit in. It was a small school and a small pool of people to be pals with.

We encouraged her to make friends out side of school. She joined every club we could get her in - swimming, gymnastics, brownies, drama, netball, dance - all had a different mix of kids (some overlap) and she made close friends in each group. Anytime she struggled at school we were able to point out to her all the friends she had everywhere and not once has a teacher or leader ever said her behaviour was an issue so the problem was not with her.

I just wanted to say that she has recently left school and she is still friends with some of the girls she met at those classes. She has a "portfolio"of friendships that span several different schools. If there was drama in one area her world did not end and she knew she had friends she could rely on elsewhere.

I know everyone says talk to the teacher but there is only so much they can do. Unfortunately in life not everyone is going to click. It's a hard life lesson. With hindsight I wish I had moved her to a larger primary school but she was like your daughter and didn't want to move.

Keep reminding her of her qualities and to be true to herself and it'll work out eventually. She'll be able to value true friendship over popularity contests.

This happened to my son in year 2. One of the boys was encouraging others to run away from him and he had quite a few miserable months. It really knocked his confidence. He is also youngest in the class. School initially didn’t take it seriously and I had to go back to the teacher and spell it out. She spoke to my son and with permission spoke to the class about being kind and not excluding others. This still didn’t work and she actually spoke to the boy and his parents. It seems to get a little better and then summer holidays came and in September of yr 3 another boy joined and it changed the dynamic and it’s all blown over now thankfully. But it’s awful when it does happen but remember it won’t be for ever. Found Beavers (with children from different schools) was great for him, particularly during this time.

I'd personally just encourage her to play with her brother and his friends

If she looks likes she enjoying herself in a big group, she'll soon be fighting off the girls

We've had similar issues with my DD last year, but things have improved a lot since then. It took me a while of gentle questioning when the circumstances were right to really understand what was going on. I spoke with the teacher and they were really helpful - she started getting to go to a lunchtime "games club" once a week where she could decide which friend to take with her. They also have a friendship bench and playground buddies but they didn't really help much for my DD. I also made sure I understood as well as I could what she was worrying about in relation to social interactions and we'd role play some scenarios occasionally so she felt confident she would know what to say/ do in certain situations. E.g. asking to play and then how to respond if someone was mean. Then she would sometimes take a small toy or a book in for playtime incase she was on her own. It took a while but she's now got a new group of friends... fingers crossed.

It gives opportunities outside of the school environment for friendships to develop.

It sucks being left out. I left secondary school with no friends, didn't make any in college either, I never found my 'tribe'.

This was my DD in year 1 and now I’d honestly say she’s the most popular girl in the class. She now has a tight group of 3 besties at school but is frequently invited on days out/sleep overs with several other groups of girls too. The two girls who ran away from her the most in year 1 have developed into quite braggy/bratty kids who now don’t have any mate’s themselves (though DD doesn’t hold a grudge and will let them join the odd thing if they ask).

Wish I’d known it wouldn’t last forever at the time but now I see how kind, resilient and considerate of others she is. Unless you can see yourself in DDs behaviour why she’s unpopular I’d just keep the faith, do fun stuff out of school, persevere with the play dates and try not to worry. I do know how painful it is though.

It is very sad to see this happening to your child.

Both my kids and I have been kids that didn’t fit in/ have the best friend in a class where everyone seemed to be in pairs/
closed groups at primary. I found my tribe in secondary school as did dd after a bit. Hoping DS will be the same.

I would keep speaking to the school, keeping in touch re what they are doing to help.

I do think schools should be funded to have staff running option games during lunchtime for those kids who are alone. Or have yr 6 kids organise them. It sucks for kids to be alone.

Hi OP

I agree about speaking to the teacher again. In your shoes I’d actually email the school as I don’t think it is right your daughter is being excluded. Teachers can definitely teach the whole class about these things.

Im an experienced teacher and I could not believe how nasty some of the y1 girls were when my child started school. The teacher had to speak to the whole class many times about kindness. We’ve moved school since and found it not as much of an issue in new school.

I don’t really think play dates are that helpful. I think children find their own friends. If the teacher supports your daughter to join in a group of less hostile peers she may bond with some of them but I think she needs some support.

I think this is just how schools go tbh. My DD is 8 and like yours easily makes friends anywhere we go. P1 was great she made a couple of little friends then p2 came and she was put in a different class away from those she classed as her besties. She again made friends with others in her class and boom p3 separated from them but back with the original girls she was close with only another girl had joined them and wouldn’t let DD play as they were ‘her’ friends. Then p4 she was split again from new friends she made and she’s tried with a few and although some allow her to play other times they don’t now she doesn’t seem to have any that she classes as her besties. Doesn’t help that there are a couple of ‘mean girls’ in the class and there is a lot of backstabbing going on. It’s a girl heavy year and I’ve spoken to the teacher and they agree there is clearly a couple of trouble makers in the girls (thankfully they don’t see my DD as one) I’m hoping next year she’s in a class without them and can find her besties. I had the same best friends all though primary and secondary okey we’ve lost touch after our early 20’s but I’d love that for her too. She’s got a few clubs that we attend where she’s got friends so
shes not really fussed but I know some days she comes home upset because no one wanted to play at lunch.

hope things get better for your girl soon. Girls can be so mean!

Mine didn't either, and I found childhood quite difficult not having anyone I could talk to about things which were bothering me. As a mum myself now I would hate the thought of my daughter crying herself to sleep as I used to.

That sounds really hard and I feel for you, as it’s really difficult to watch your child go through that. My son had a really tricky time in year five. His teacher was saying all the right things, but general exhortations to the kids to “be kind to each other“ didn’t really achieve anything or carry across when it came to playground politics. I’m not really sure what shifted but something did and he’s thriving again in year six. I think his teacher is a bit more alive to how some of the dynamics in the classroom play out in the playground and that the two are connected, rather than seeing them separate. So whilst it’s absolutely not your child’s teacher’s problem to solve, I think if you’re really honest with just how hard this is for your child, it will be something they can take on board a bit more perhaps. My question would be whether there’s something that gives kids a bit of respite from it all? We’re a bigger school, but we have a Lego club, which is informal, not one you can officially sign up for, and is not presented as such to the kids, but is essentially a respite club for kids who are finding the playground tricky. Run by a lovely TA who has chats with them, and it gives kids a break from the mental stress that playtime can present when you’re in your daughter’s position. It’s obviously not a solution, but she might click with some kids who are in there or it just gives her a break. So maybe ask if there is any thing like that as well? And as app said, see if there is a Beavers group, not just rainbows. It’s mixed scouts for ages 6-8 and is fantastic, my youngest loves it.

This sounds hard OP. It's hard to give advice because it already sounds like you're doing the things I would suggest (play dates, activities outside school etc).

Just to reassure you that there will definitely be movement in friendships at some point (children leaving or joining the class or movement among the current friendships) so this won't last forever.

Join the parents association so you can become better friends with the parents and so your child will feel like she belongs more?

This will sound superficial but have you considered a really cool birthday party?
Maybe not a whole class one as she may feel left out. My daughter is 6 and invited around 12 kids to her party. She specifically asked not to invite certain children as ‘if x comes then y will just play with them and not me’. I went with it. It all seemed to go well. My daughter struggles sometimes with friends.

Children can just drift at that age. My DD seemed to have lots of friends but no besties at that age. A couple of year later she was very settled with a stable friendship group. Don’t worry about it and don’t coerce the play dates.

Agree!!

Can you work to help her develop her friendships with the kids from sports and swimming (or if there's other kids local to you not at the same school) outside those environments? In areas where most kids are in one school it's so easy to think of the kids at school that they see every day as the only 'real' options for friends, but actually there's often lots of other friendships from clubs which can be nicely fostered too! She'll maybe feel a bit better if she can solidly say 'my best/favourite friend is Sally from football, we are on the same team, and see each other on weekends sometimes too, she's coming for a sleepover on Saturday' rather than just 'I don't have a best friend'.

Invite the sports friend over (or a small group) for a playdate, or arrange to meet up with them outside of sports practices/games. If you're doing birthday parties or little celebrations consider those friends too!