AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

Your team should be able to work effectively two afternoons a week without you physically present. Presumably you attend meetings during the course of your day and the team doesn't fall apart? Ask for a reasonable adjustment of working from home 2 afternoons a week.

I could see a 9yo entertaining themselves.... 5yo could probably be plopped in front of the tv and some colouring books or puzzles and a snack nearby and you'd get something done... but both of them AND a 3 year old? Nope 😂 3yo will entertain themselves for 5 minutes maximum and probably have turned the house upside down in that 5 minutes and ruined whatever the older kids were doing 😂

Really sad how some people on this thread seem to think a workplace just does not need to be flexible. They pay you for work, they don't own you and you don't owe them your soul. Doesn't sound like OP is a casualty nurse or something, it's so old-fashioned to act like she's asking for the moon here

Are people saying that in the way you are interpreting it? The women responding are not condoning inflexibility in workplace. The women responding are saying that workplaces do not need to be flexible because workplaces can replace working mums very easily. Unfortunately many working mothes have left well paid jobs because of their children, and realise that nobody is irreplaceable.

I work a very basic admin role for 60% less pay than my previous role and I don't get annual bonuses, private healthcare or stock options any more. However I work remotely in a flexible job and around school hours. Every single person on my team is a working mum who is doing the job for the same reason. Every single one of us earn a quarter of what we previously earned. That is the reality for working parents who do not want to or can't work fulltime due to having kids.

I think this is excellent advice.
Go to the meeting with lots of solutions that allow you to continue having the flexibility you need; AND solves the problems that you not being present brings.
I would actually make a document of the problems and then outline the solutions I can implement and present it to them properly at the meeting.
Don’t discuss your marriage and kids issues - keep it separate

I Think the real risk for you long term
if you cannot solve their problems caused by you not being present 9-5, you’ll end up either leaving or being pushed through disciplinary procedures. Start preparing now and be ultra professional. Good luck !

(And apologies if someone has already said similar, I wrote it all out and then didn't post for hours!)

It's not asking for the moon to expect your employees to work the hours they're contracted for most of the time, nor to expect that people don't work from home with children present. Is it?

I was one of the people who suggested a nanny agency and some other online childcare services. Both have national coverage (to an extent; of course it's harder to find childcare in some locations than others).

However, because of affordability, I don't think the OP has actually researched one to one (well, three) childcare so it's all just speculation.

We paid a huge amount on wraparound and childcare because we're both teachers so can't work from home. We have no local family. We've only got the one child fortunately. We got roundly patronised a few times for using professional services though ("oh, I could never hire a stranger!") by people with helpful families doing it for free!

My friends child is autistic and can entertain himself in his own home for an hour or 2 but unfamiliar childcare settings lead to shut downs and meltdowns. I've witnessed it in both settings. Quite possible a child has this specific set of needs.

My son if he had a snack and a game set up could maybe do an hour unsupervised but not reliably and is extremely well behaved in childcare settings but comes apart the seams at home if anything has upset him so we're limited on childcare options. There's no reason to disbelieve that op has difficulty using childcare out with her home.

The thing is if there is no childcare option. The parents' work set ups become untenable, sad though that is and I've been there and know how she**Ty that is

1. You negotiate a WFH situation for you on the two days your husband is in office.
2. You negotiate more flexibility around working hours - if they absolutely need you in office 5 days a week, and for three of those your husband can do drop offs and pick ups, then for 2 days you start at 9 and finish early to pick them up and WFH later on.
3. You negotiate more flexibility around working hours - if they absolutely need you in office 5 days a week, and for three of those your husband can do drop offs and pick ups, then for 2 days you start at 9 and finish early, sacrificing maybe 5 hours a week?

There are solutions. They may not be perfect, but you won't need it forever. This is short-term.

Dare I say.... Ask Chatgpt to bullet point every single option you're going to present to them both in terms of what works for you, and for them. Go into the meeting with the bullet points. Hope you can talk them into something.

No apology needed you were making a very polite point 💕

Genuine and very sincere apologies, @Velumental ... it was indeed my mistake and my reply was meant for @Thisle

I’m also confused by the children having significant additional needs that they can’t go to wraparound care but not so significant that they can’t be left unsupervised whilst parents work from home

Honestly regardless of what you think. No one is irreplaceable and they are really just asking you to work your contracted hours .. you seem to think they're being unreasonable.
I would think the fact that the are calling you for a meeting means you are perhaps less valuable than you might think.
Tread Carefully here so you don't talk yourself out of a job .

OP confirmed as much at 16.37, saying that she has no idea what they'll do with the middle child in the summer holidays

Think you've tagged the wrong person as I 100% agree with you

Really sad how some people on this thread seem to think a workplace just does not need to be flexible. They pay you for work, they don't own you and you don't owe them your soul. Doesn't sound like OP is a casualty nurse or something, it's so old-fashioned to act like she's asking for the moon here

This rather suggests you haven't read all of OP's posts, @Velumental
Far from the employers not being flexible she's said several times just how helpful they've been, to the point where I wonder if she thought this would just continue for ever

However this just isn't realistic once a point's reached when there's no more to give and the job they're paying for still needs doing - hence probably the meeting

Have you looked at the option of a PA for your children? They don’t need to be qualified as a nanny or childminder and many do PA work for several people so don’t mind odd days etc.

DS can’t attend after school club due to his needs and no childminder would have him. But a PA supports 2-3 days a week after school to help us work.

Also you could ask for an assessment for social services. We’re being assessed for a package of funded care to include 1 day per week after school, 1 days per week of holiday care and 1 weekend day ever few weeks.

He finds it difficult to work from home with them but he does it anyway

He isn't working if he's looking after children aged 3, 5 & 9.

I feel you OP and it's why I've stayed in a very flexible job but with no progression for nearly a decade. It's miserable to reflect on that.

You may need to find another job offering you more flex if they won't compromise.

I've read your posts OP and the main thing that strikes me is that you come across as thinking you are in a unique position. The reality is your situation is one a great number of us have found ourselves in.
Leaving your DH out of it, your choice is the same as so many of us had to make - either pay too much for childcare or go part-time.

You have been lucky so far in that your workplace have accommodated you. They have now said they won't continue to do this. I imagine they will be very aware that if they allow one person to do it, then others will want the same flexibility.

You are not irreplaceable. None of us are......

Sorry OP but everyone is replaceable! I work in a very niche role and am top of my game. I’d stick my neck out and say in the short term I’d be incredibly hard to replace. The company I work for would struggle if I left but there are others with the right attitude and transferable skills that could reach my level with a bit of time.

You cannot expect them to bend for you, you’ll need to work out what commitment you can give and get your pay prorated to match but don’t disregard that they can manage you out over time

Don't think she's thought that far ahead unfortunately

I feel for you. Been there, with a husband that’s works away m-f.
Before Covid my boss refused any wfh despite doing it himself twice a week for childcare.
I second the poster talking about going in with solutions. If you are not a customer facing role, flexing your hours across the week sounds like a reasonable solution. One I do accept in my team.
Is banking time an option? So working extra hours to take them off another time?

I wouldn’t share any more personal info about your husband. It makes them think it’s a topic up for discussion.

And she’s taken a week off in June when the children will be in school. How are the holidays being covered?

I’m confused by this last paragraph. You can’t use this other holiday childcare provider, because when they ran the wraparound care at your children’s previous school, they made ‘accusations’ to social services about your children - I presume this means they reported concerns to social services, which were then found to be baseless. Your DH then told your childrens’ new school about the issues you’d had with this holiday childcare company, and the company found out that he’d done this and sent a cease and desist letter? How did they find out? It seems like an over the top reaction to comments from a disgruntled parent.