AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

It's still going through gradually. A number of parts don't come in until January next year. ACAS has a summary on their site.

If her team can't be trusted.. that may well be the issue. Why has the OP got an incompetent team?

I have multiple staff below me, all of whom can step up with just a little guidance. If my kids are sick I just send a few emails to the various staff saying what needs to be done today and when I might be contactable.... and they get on with it. I have spent a lot of time training them accordingly so that my job is less stressful. I have only one current staff member who is inadequate, we put in place a Personal Improvement Plan.. which didn't work out and she will be leaving when her contract is up soon.

It's very hard to work flexibly if you can't rely on a good team to get on with work while you are gone for a few hours. So if the department is struggling because the OP wants flexible working she needs to train her team better.

I think proposing the long days 3 days per week is the best solution - but I’d stop answering emails on my days off….

what was so serious that got your child banned from school clubs? What are you going to do to deal with that?

What's getting missed in this thread is that OP has been consistently coming in to work late...it may just be 10 minutes or so, but 10 minutes or so for a few days every week adds up.
OP is also leaving work at 2.40pm instead of 4.30pm for two afternoons every single week, yet still getting paid full time.
She says her boss has been understanding about this for months and has refused to pro rata her pay down.
Which is very generous of them.
So any 'extra' work' OP is doing in her lunch break is not really extra when she is constantly not working her contracted hours...yet still getting paid for them.
Understandably (for the company) they want to discuss this as it was clearly only meant tk be a temporary solution.
But OP thinks this is the company being unreasonable because she cannot organise/want to pay for appropriate childcare.
Or take on board any suggestions.
Which suggests she doesn't see why she should work her contracted hours because...childcare...

There really is a lack of support for patents with children who have additional needs ☹️

I don't know what you do but they think you have to be there to supervise people? So people are doing physical jobs versus office-based roles?

I'd review affordability. Ergo can you afford not to work? Can you cut you spending on other things? I'm assuming the kids get Pip, if so, that's what Pip is for, to fund their additional needs, it's not family income.

Ref DH and your kids, he's your DH and needs to step in. You're a blended family.

The only option is nursery. Flight risk is a challenge but there must be a solution to it. See what resources are available to manage it. As I said assuming the kids get pip, that's what that money is for.

Ref the discussion at work. Can they tell you what you are not now doing that means you are less effective when you wfh? Keep the conversation on delivery of the role not presence at the workplace. I hope you can resolve this and don't find yourself unemployed.

what will you do when your dad is not available?

i think whatever you plan to say, they will have plans

I haven't read all your updates or all the responses as there's just too much to plough through. But I wanted to add my two pennyworth.
I think you should come up with a proposal that works for you and sell it to them. Demonstrate all the positives and then tell them what the blockers are: line manager needs some training/support, untrained staff can be a bit of a liability when you're absent so also need training/,to be able to contact you in an emergency, company owners don't like you WFH, so change of culture needed, etc.). Make it clear you're loyal to the company and want to stay there. Sell yourself using examples that will resonate with them. I suspect they know how important you are and won't want to lose you.
(You could always mention the cost of a nanny and negotiate a pay rise but that could be a step too far right now!)
My team are all remote and WFH and everything works perfectly well. You just need to convince your employer that you don't need to be there 100,% of the time.

The trouble is, you don’t want to negotiate flexibility, you want to carry on as you are:
being late for work
being the sole carer of 3 young SEN kids while ‘wfh’ after school.

The situation does not appear to be working for your employer, hence the meeting.

Sorry OP, but you stated your case in the opening post and do not appear to actually be open to any solutions that are not the status quo.

While I sympathise with your situation, I do think you will have to attend the meeting in a proactive manner.

You need to come up with some solution that your employer can support where your team does not fall apart and you are not caring for 3 children while wfh.

Perhaps a slight team restructuring could ease things while you are not on site? Suggest someone steps up slightly on occasion, as part of their career development strategy etc.

it seems clear that your employer will not settle for any option where you are both working and caring for your children - and that is not unreasonable of them.

The problem with posting in AIBU is that some people will think you are BU.

A child being a flight risk can be managed successfully in suitable childcare, if they agree to take your child, they can manage the situation - but I do appreciate your reluctance.

You need a solution to put to your employer - not a shoulder shrug and ‘what do they expect me to do’…

Work are expecting you to do your job.

They’ve booked a chat with you as they have concerns, not to hear your life story. You need to come up with a plan that meets their concerns, or one of you quits I guess.

Unfortunately it's time to look for another job that's fits in better with your life.
I've done it. Not ideal but we do what we have to.
As you've acknowledged it isn't your works problem so maybe it's time to move on so it's not a burden to other staff.

Are you reading the same thread? OP has said herself that the 14:40 finishes cause issues with managing her team and getting things done in her absence. That the role is in office full time without any WFH is an indicator that it’s not set up for it. That the employers aren’t offering to continue the arrangements and want to talk about what OP is doing to address the childcare challenge is an indication that it isn’t working.

I don’t know how you and your DH can both work full time with 2 sen children,it must be incredibly stressful.Is there any way you can do a part time job and top up with UC even if it was just for a few years?
You say that no nanny would manage your children yet they are ok to be left to themselves at home while you WFH?
Could a taxi take your children to nursery after school club?
It sounds to me like your employer has had enough but they need to upskill other staff also,what will they do if you’re ill or you leave? With all due respect they will cope because they won’t have a choice

The company needs to employ more people in your dept OP. It sounds like call centre type work and they are notorious for high staff turnover.

I worked in a company in various depts and have seen people nearing retirement who wonder how the depts will work without them. These people worked in the same company for decades, they had a wealth of knowledge, they knew all the older systems and knew where to pull info from thirty years ago. They looked at anybody who was in the company less than twenty years as inexperienced. They were often the people we went to when trying to resolve non standard issues for they had usually come across it at some stage or they knew somebody who had moved to another dept who would know.....
But OP those people did retire and many people came and left, yet the two hundred year company is still running successfully.

And FGS take your annual leave and stop working on your days off.
The company is taking the piss. They don't want you to leave because they are underpaying you, which is one of the reasons you can't pay childcare. Go into them and propose they take on more team leaders (I'm guessng that is what you are?) . Alternatively if they don't want to pay for more employees, use that as leverage for flexibility. If you are an invaluable as you say, they will give you a payrise which will enable you to pay for full time childcare.

I'm actually astonished at all the answers suggesting op gets grants, extra help etc from the state, when all that needs to happen is she is allowed to work from home two afternoons a week. If done right there needs to be no extra burden on the state and she'll be just as effective in her job. It sounds as if the current arrangement has not had any big impact on her ability to do her job and as I stated in a previous post, her team should be relied upon to get on with their jobs whether she's physically present or not. If her team can't be trusted that's a whole separate issue that needs dealing with.

It’s not clear what you do but it sounds like it might be some sort of call centre or similar? As you’ve mentioned you have a line manager and a department manager it sounds like you’re not too senior so with that in mind, would you not be best going part time to get the hours you want and taking a step down from supervisor/team leader until you can commit the hours the job requires?

I saw a post that said you started on £1800/month which again suggests that sort of work, along with the high turnover - and if it is, the good news is when you’re ready and able, it’s very easy to get promoted to supervisor/ops manager.

Good luck with what you choose to do. You’re making the right decision to try to keep working for sure!

For the umpteenth time in this thread, yes, but it’s a right to ASK, not a right to be AGREED.

basically wave a magic wand

OP i think you need to be zooming out and checking to see if 'bigger' solutions are available to you (new job, move, sell house sort of changes).

As a parent of SEN teens, i want to share that things are likely to get harder and you are going to need to have more time and money available to support them and to cope as a family.

I realize that is so much easier to say than to do, I just want to encourage you to think about your family's situation through a longer term lens.

If the problems started when your husband moved jobs, what was the plan originally? Were either of you promised more flexibility? As if you have that in writing it will work to your advantage I imagine.

Stating outcomes other than what the OP wants to hear is neither condescending or presumptuous.
I've been through a similar situation and have no doubt many people replying have been in similar situations.
Let down by childcare. No family to help out. Expensive nanny.
Tried to go part-time. Tried to move depts. Tried everything.

Rarely missed work but stupidly spoke about childcare issues to employer when I had to take emergency annual leave due to childcare. That was the beginning of the end for me.
Its presumptious of you to assume that the people giving advice are not basing it on personal experience rather than what the OP wants to hear along with ridiculous chat gpt solutions.

What job does your DH do ? Can he apply for work life balance ? Can you both apply, see what you can come up with ?

It’s very difficult for both parents to work full time when childcare is needed.In fact it’s almost impossible.

The only school parents who I know that both have full time jobs have flexible working hours or childcare at hand. You have neither of those options, from what you’re saying.

OP you have my sympathy. Sometimes the unstoppable force of work meets the immovable object of childcare. Your proposal seems a sensible thing to go to your team with.

However, your workplace sounds utterly unsustainable. Have you ever had a dig around on the www.askamanager.com website? Might be worth it to get some advice on work situations where you feel everything would go under without you.

It seems odd to me you can’t put in a flexible working request on a trial basis. If you really are the glue, they’ll want to keep you. Your dh could also put in a flexible working request and share the issue.

Could you just take a demotion that would allow the flexible hours you need?

Sadly I think that your notion that you are indispensible in your role is mistaken. Every work place has indispensible team members who can be and are replaced.

As you are well thought of you could request to be replaced in your team leader role and take on something a different role.

Its not ideal. But if your current job requires you to be present to lead a team rather than making up hours from home, I cant think of any other options you have .