AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

😂 Happy Sunday... wtf

She's clearly outlined that he WFH and is increasing his WFH (with permission) and that he takes his lunch break to collect the kids... so he's not just in and out. She's also taken another posters suggestion that he could possibly speak to his employer to see if he could start earlier and work shorter days in the office on his 2 Office Days to facilitate childcare.

So yes.. him.and his employer are doing his fair share.

The biggest issue (IMO) for the OP is the fact that she thinks she's indispensable yet her entire team falls to shit (her words) in her absence for a few hours. That's just bad management and as the suggested needs to be considered how to untrain or what needs to be out in place for the OP to consider reduced hours or flexible working arrangements.

Happy Sunday to you too.
It doesn't say that the husbands flexi is fixed though. Yes he's WFH more but this isn't agreeing flexi hours hence my comment re BOTH needing to ensure flexi arrangements are agreed.
My colleague WFH like the rest of us but within that also has agreed flexi hours for childcare otherwise it would look like he's just off in and out whilst WFH. WfH isn't an automatic system allowing people to come and go as they please.

Have you read the thread?
The OPs DH is WFH 2 days a week currently, soon to move to 3 days and will cover the childcare these days. So there's no need to shout about BOTH employers 🙄

All of this is focused around you and what are YOU going to do.
There's 2 of you as parents.
You need a sit down together to look jointly at how amendments to working hours and then making flexi requests to BOTH employers.

Your second issue is training up the team so they can manage in your absence thus also adding to your flexibility.

Trust me, you are not indispensable. You say the team would go under without you. No it wouldn't. From experience, it is actually amazing how teams, somehow manage to pull through. Often people who you least expect are the ones to stand up to the challenge, often having been overlooked by their controlling or micro managing boss!

I'd sit down with your managers and do a proper needs analysis looking at the team and doing some succession planning.

Totally sarcastic

I think a couple were, but one seemed deadly serious!

I think those suggested paid nanny were being sarcastic...? No?

''I've been off when my kids have been sick or when they've needed to be picked up due to behaviour issues etc. And I've worked from home at that time.
My line manager steps in, but frankly, she is difficult to work for, micromanages everyone and generates more unnecessary work for everyone, she cannot be reasoned with and it just makes life hard. I am the "buffer" between her and the team so if I am not there she sticks her nose in, pisses everyone off.''

It seems like OP has taken rather a lot of time of recently, on top of the regularly arriving late in the morning and two afternoons a week of leaving two hours early yet still getting paid for full time hours.

OP herself has said that the company has been both generous and understanding about not docking her pay for the hours she has left early/come in late, but obviously it was meant to be a short term measure.
OP however would like it to continue.

For those suggesting the company pay for a nanny (!) I get the distinct impression that OP is actually in quite a junior roll, in a call centre/factory set up, despite her inflated ego about being completely indispensable.

I would also question how she is making her time up at home, with sick children, two of whom have special needs.

It is not legal to “work through your lunch break” if you are working for more than 6 hours.

Some people clearly don't read the thread!

Her husband does the bulk of the childcare, so how will that help?

This but the op needs to be really really clear to her work that reduced hours will be reduced hours. She should list several tasks she won’t be doing under reduced hours.

If there is no suitable childcare then the only option is to ask for a change in hours. Perhaps you should go in with a list of options related to that?

1. Reduce hours on 2 days per week to 8.15 - 14.15 (no lunch break included)
2. Work in the office 8.15 - 14.15, take a break to pick up kids and log back on remotely (ie as you have been doing, but officially).
3. Reduce your hours to 3 days a week.
4. Reduce hours to 3 days a week but make them longer days.
5. Look for another job with the flexibility you need.

The only reference I would make to your home situation is to point out that your DH has negotiated 3 days per week WFH to cover childcare. This leaves 2 days for you to cover. I’m only mentioning this because it wasn’t explicit in your initial posts that that had happened, and as you’ve seen from some of the posts, people get annoyed when it looks like the father’s job is taken as more important.

But, by doing this, you're covering up the issues. They SHOULD be going to the department manager with queries. Unless you're on £250k, you shouldn't be 'always on'. I've been in similar situations, where you were expected to look at your work phone when off; it wasn't worth the additional money (which was nowhere near £250k, to be clear!) Can't you see that this means you're really getting no time off? When you're supposed to be on leave (your contractual right), or on unpaid lunch (a statutory requirement), you shouldn't be working at the same time. You will burn out. I promise you. I reiterate; no-one is indispensable.

So, if you have holiday for a week, or had to go off sick for a few weeks for surgery, they'd manage. No-one is completely indispensable, and the world will indeed turn without you, no matter how it feels now.
In my old job, I made a request in 2019, to WAH one day per week, for health reasons. It was turned down by my arsehole old boss, who said I couldn't manage a team remotely. Then lockdown happened, and we all managed it remotely (really well!) for about 18 months in total, so he was proven completely wrong. So, you can manage it. If your team aren't able to work without you there, you have a problem with how you manage, and how things are set up, because even those on minimum wage jobs (no slight - I've done these!) can manage a few hours without constant supervision.... and what happens otherwise when you need/want time off?

As a Manager, if you came into a meeting with me, with all of this minutiae, I'd be saying 'you maybe need to think if this is the job for you.' However, if you came with some reasonable suggestions, I'd do everything I could to work with you and find a solution. I think you either need to pay out some money for a Nanny, no matter the cost (because you'd be financially worse off with no income!), or look at changing your hours. You could potentially make a case for starting earlier, and your husband doing drop offs, so you could be there to do pick ups - which is an arrangement a lot of friends and colleagues have done. So, one of you works 07:00-15:00, and does pick ups; and the other works 09:30-17:30/18:00, depending on your hours to be worked in a week. Also, your hours don't necessarily have to be the same each day, surely? Why couldn't your hours be different on the days you're WAH, for example. Go with some options for solutions, not just problems.

I would imagine the meeting is going to be put op on a PiP with letting go to follow

I apologise, have read more, it's s clearly not sustainable unless DP steps up. I was in a similar situation and the best option was me to go PT, which I did and don't regret it at all! Income wise there was a difference of course but paying less tax. Life is much more than work, income and stress. It's difficult when parents both work FT, so going PT for a few years is completely acceptable and beneficial. Xxx

Unfortunately the truth is to manage your childcare, which many of us have to do with wraparound care, breakfast and after school clubs. It's awful to do this to our DC i know but you seem to have some flexibility with your and DP hours.

Basically we are paid to do our jobs at stated times and it's not fair for colleagues to see anyone coming late and leaving early.

There are roles which can enable this, office ones mostly, and can wfh to make the hours up?

As a teacher, there's no way I could ask or expect extra consideration because most are in the same situation.

This was my thought too.

how many hours do you need to cover OP, is it just the school run and childcare until you get home from work on the days both you and your husband are at work?
its only 2 days since husband will be home fur 3 days right?

Your husband needs to step up. And if he doesn’t , leave. He sounds horrible. Single parenting can sometimes be easier if you’ve been also parenting a giant man baby who doesn’t help and makes you feel crappy.
If you leave him there’s a good chance you’ll get assistance from the government towards income etc.
And maybe you need to change jobs when that happens. Sounds like a really tricky situation for you, you’ve got so much going on.

Can you go part time?

OP, don’t know if you’ll be back to the thread but just in case - if you are as indispensable as you say and your company knows this - ask them to pay for the childcare. Advertise locally, don’t look on existing pages, for a SEN support worker with experience working with kids, not a nanny, as as you say you need someone who is extremely competent engaging with and looking after kids with SEN not someone with extensive experience of entertaining and developing toddlers (not dismissing the job etc. just this is not the skill set you need). Now, your company might not agree to that, but it is a viable option of solving the problem, even in short term while you have that huge project to deliver. It might make them realise that sticking to status quo around your work is the better solution. Or if they press on with expecting you to magically solve it than it gives you the knowledge that they don’t think you are as indispensable and sooner or later will want to replace you (so start looking for something that fits better around your caring needs). On a side note, you say that your husband has repeatedly taken on the burden and sacrificed his career for you and you feel like you owe him. This is a lovely sentiment but the truth is, and I’m saying it from the perspective of the parent who sacrificed their career, it is often, especially when kids with additional needs are involved, a one way street, at least until the kids are somewhat self sufficient (including if that never happens). It shouldn’t be that way but the wage differential can completely act against the parent that took the hit, so it might be that you will have to look whether he can take on/adjust his hours more as unfair as that feels.

Have you considered an au pair, it might be full time help with reduced costs. Also if two of your children have special needs, are they eligible for PIP, it's a benefit designed to support financial needs of special cases.

I admire that you take care of everyone, and I do the same with my husband, support him in a way that he wakes up with a sense of purpose, opposed to only living to pay bills.

Have you considered an au pair, it might be full time help with reduced costs. Also if two of your children have special needs, are they eligible for PIP, it's a benefit designed to support financial needs of special cases.

I admire that you take care of everyone, and I do the same with my husband, support him in a way that he wakes up with a sense of purpose, opposed to only living to pay bills, even if this involves more burden for me sometimes. Nor your employer neither anyone else should comment on this, at least.

Do any of the children have an EHCP? If so could they have a social care assessment for direct payments so that you can employ a PA to support after school? They can be hard to come by but not impossible. I’ve worked in a send school where there is no breakfast and after school provision but many of the families do employ PAs.

If no ehcps then do they need one??