AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

You asked for advice.

The consensus is that your attitude that you're indispensable is a major problem.

But you're ignoring it.

In that case you should do what someone else suggested - tell them they can't sack you because you're too important and demand whatever terms you want the most .. and then see what happens.

To be fair OP, your OH doing the school runs after night shifts and only ever having 5 hours sleep was never a viable arrangement and anyone's mental health would suffer in those conditions. It's totally unrealistic for two full-time working adults to have 3 children and expect not to pay for any childcare. You're trying to square the impossible circle and you seem to want your employer to find a magical solution. Something has to give here and it's not for your employer to solve. You seem really stuck in your thinking about it. Whatever you do, there will be a cost - reduced pay or increased expenses. I think you will need to accept this. Have you looked at Entitled To to see if you can claim any financial support? Is there scope to reduce your outgoings?

Look, at the moment you apparently being indispensable is working against you because it makes your employer less likely to agree long-term flexibility. So its in your interests to help build some resilience and capability in the team. Put any ego of being number 1 aside and focus on how you'll help them achieve this at pace.

Clearly there's already capability when you take annual leave but it might be people are defaulting to the assumption you'll do it all.

I’m just re-posting this again @FriskyHeeleras I can’t see how you’re adding up the sums to claim that personalised nanny care is unaffordable. Even if you and your dh are on NMW, you’ll earn more together for each hour you’re paying the nanny! It’s not like you need a huge number of hours per week as two of your kids are school age and the 3 year old must get a load of free hours at nursery (or do you/ your dh earn 100k and not qualify for them?!!)

the problem seems to be more that you’re unwilling to pay for the sort of personalised care you need. You will still be making money with a £20 per hour nanny. It just won’t be the cheaper care (or free care from your dad?!) which you’d prefer.

OP, I think you need to go to the meeting with a focus on I've explored all childcare options and there is nothing suitable however here is how I plan to make my time working from home valuable. Then go through some ideas that will make you not having a physical presence easier for them. How many hours is it that you need to do from home? What parts of your job can be done from home? How are you connecting with other staff members whilst at home etc

first answer nails it

I wouldn’t see anyone with 2 asd kids and changing situations as “ dictating terms “ is see them as needing help to carry on being a integral part of team so yes I would work with them and either refuse hours or ask them if they could work from home those days .
half of my team has different work schedules for very different reasons and that is absolutely fine . It’s not a game to win , it’s a way to make life/ work balance work for everyone

So you're not indispensable. It's just that your team prefers you to the other person.

That's nice but it doesn't mean that the company won't get rid of you if you can't do the job.

Op, not what you are asking about but anyway - watch your self being the buffer. It's draining thankless and ultimately just a sticking plaster for bigger issues. It's a house of cards. I speak as an ex buffer. Don't become a casualty. You may think you have a good strategy but if management don't support you and tackle issues then don't be niaeve. You should know where you stand.

So your solution is…….?

Because the company clearly aren’t happy to continue as things are after 2 months of it.

You need to reduce your hours so that you can do the pickup. The place will not fall apart if you reduce your hours.

I think the afterschool nursery has to be explored more.

Could someone be trained or available to do supervision for the transfer of the flight risk child?

Are your children under medical review? Do they have contacts with any specialist childcare that maybe don’t advertise in usual routes?

Do you get DLA for the children with needs? This may cover childcare

But if your team fall apart without you then you’re not a great manager/leader - instead you’re heroically doing everything yourself. This leads to you feeling indispensable but you’ve created that situation for yourself by not letting go. Time to look at the staff you do have and coach, train and delegate more effectively. Maybe the reason for high turnover is low staff satisfaction as no one gets adequate training or is trusted to get on with the job.

I mean all of this kindly btw, it’s a really easy trap to fall into.

I've never known a team of more than about 4 people where if one of them leave then the team will collapse.

This mentality will just result in you potentially losing your job.

I was going to say this- very few people are 100% completely, utterly indispensable and irreplaceable. You can be excellent at your job and very hard to replace- and likely that the process of doing so will be difficult and possibly carry financial costs for a time- and the period of adjustment/getting your replacement up to speed tricky- but I would think you are, ultimately, replaceable. I can understand why an organisation would prefer to try to be flexible for a period of time when they have an excellent employee, but they will eventually need to you to work the hours your job requires and that they pay you for. Looks like that time has come. If you are aware a flexible hours request will be rejected, then you have 2 choices if they are serious about you needing to return to your usual hours: find a way to make it work with childcare (even if not your preferred/perfect provider); or find a job which can accommodate your needs.

I am trying not to sound harsh, but I think you do need to shift away from “they won’t do anything about it because I’m so essential that I can never be replaced”- you almost certainly can be and you need to be realistic about that. If you go in with that assumption, you may well get a bit of a shock. I’m sure they’d much prefer not to have to replace you, if you are as good as you say you are, but if you can’t do the hours/work required then they may well make that choice.

I think they are showing all necessary efforts to accommodate you before dismissal. Nobody is indispensable. Not a prime minister or a monarch - and not you. It may seem like that to you, but that’s because you’re not the employer.

If you want to keep this job you need to come to the meeting with a solution. From the employer’s perspective you are putting your children and your husband and your finances before them, which obviously they understand because they’re humans too. But to do their jobs properly, they have to get your job done properly. If you can’t do it properly you can and will eventually be replaced by someone who doesn’t have attendance issues. They’ll promote someone or demote someone or make a lateral hire - anything, because they can’t keep you on functioning as you are.

Basically, you don’t seem to understand the onus is on you to keep this job which they can fire you from. They’re pressing you to eg pay for a nanny or two if need be. You’ll have to say you can’t afford it. Then they can say they have grounds for dismissal because you routinely don’t turn up or leave early. This is what people mean when they say your childcare problems are your own.

This kind of thinking is what you need - come with some 'bigger picture' solutions. Condensing hours, training up, things that can be a long-term plus all round.

I wouldn’t threaten to leave or say you are looking for something else. If anything I’d ham up how much you love the job and your colleagues and are trying to make it work.

Instead of your husband doing 3 days working from home could he do 2 days + 2 afternoons working from home and travel home from the office on his lunch break those two days? Then your dad covers the 5th day and you do the breakfast club drop-offs and make up the 10 minutes at lunch or something?

If you don’t see a viable option then off ten what you have that is reduced hours . If they refuse then gives you time to start looking for another job . As a team leader myself I try my best to keep my team together as it can be really disruptive to break a good team .

I feel for you O.P, it is hard when there aren't many viable options near you. Soonish I think your husband can do three days of the pick ups and drop offs and hopefully your dad could continue with that one pickup a week... So hopefully it's more just one day that you will be asking to leave earlier...

See what they say and you are right to cover all the options so that they understand the situation for what it is. Good luck.

To the point of letting them dictate terms? I take it you do not own the business...