AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

Your workplace sounds awful. You can’t eat lunch? You can only take a day off here and there? Honestly, it sounds like you’re willing g to make yourself indispensable, by not setting boundaries with them. You set them with your DH. You are setting them with your finances to the point of costing out extra fuel costs if your DH changes his hours. You’re setting them with your D.C. in terms of their care. But you’re martyring yourself to your employer to the point you think you’re irreplaceable. I’m not surprised you’re in this quandary. The whole things sounds utterly dysfunctional.

Well yes they could but they could also sack the OP for not being in the office when she should be. It’s either flexible working request and hoping she can dip down or paying for childcare. The current position isn’t sustainable.

As so often the first post nails it, and this is the reason there's no point in explaining all the childcare issues to the employer since - quite rightly - they're not their priority

With DCs of 3, 5 and 9, two of them with special needs, I very much doubt much quality work's being done after the leaving time of 14.40, so really the only options seem to be better childcare or a different job

It sounds as if the employers have accommodated as well as they can, but realistically this was never going to be tenable long term

I was thinking this too. Kindly OP, if you or they cant find a solution, they'll let you go. Someone else will take your place so please dont bank.on them 'needing' you so much they'll give you whatever flexibility is needed.

The posters who are saying your challenge isn’t works problem are correct. you need to be constructive

“I have made a request for flexi working / reasonable adjustments as my current family set up is challenging.
I have investigated various solutions including wrap around care, flexibility in my husbands job, and these do not work given my children’s needs.
I believe that there is no loss of supervisory oversight / productivity / whatever if we pursue the following options:
option a - I work five days a week core hours In office M-F 9-3, and relog on 7-9pm from home
option b - I wfh M-Tu, and am in office W-F.
Option c - …

As this is a first LOD or escalation role, I suggest we core clearly document processes and train Dave and Mary to do xyz.

I request this on a trial basis for 6 months /up to start of school in Sept after which we will review together.”

if mgmt insist the role requires full time then ask if they can increase salary / offer or improve program for working parents / improve onsite facilities.

I would NOT use the opportunity to whinge about your line manager giving additional tasks - simply keep it factual about delivering against your core role per job description. Also steer clear from the ‘the world would fall without me’

What was the childcare like before the change and issue arose in February ?

All of which they could refuse.

Again, not legal.

I’m really sorry but I think they are going to use this as evidence you cannot solve the situation and they could try to push you out.
Realistically parents can only both work full time if you have childcare. You don’t have sufficient childcare so I think the only option you have is either you or DH ask to reduce your hours.

Yes, it would be an extra day of travelling compared to now but that's probably still cheaper than paid childcare for 3 kids. You could propose you stay an exta 10 minutes after work instead. The kids will be looked after by their dad by that time anyway.

Also, which one of you and your H makes more per hour? If you are the higher earner it would make more sense that he cuts his hours if that's the route you decide to go.

If you are so crucial to the company then tell them these are the hours you can work and put it to THEM to make it work.

I wouldn't make it long and drawn out.
State the bottom line, you have investigated your options and these are it.

Put it back on them.

NO ONE is irreplaceable.

The job may not get done, well or correctly, but they will move on.

My boss dropped dead on the job, he was deemed absolutely irreplaceable....until he was.

Don't kid yourself.
It will be messy, inconvenient, may cost them money, but things will move on and go on.

Realistically, I think you are looking at a flexible working request as you have probably hit an impasse at work and as much as you think you’re holding the team together, you will be looking unreliable given

1. you are consistently late the days you need childcare (as a minimum I’d be requiring an 8.45 start)

2. on the days without care leaving at 2.40 and logging in at home while in charge of 3 kids, 1 of which seem to have needs you’re not sure a nursery could cope with.

On point 2, you have to be really honest with yourself about whether they are getting 2h20 of your full attention and whether there are things you could be doing to up the supervision of the office staff while WFH or to mitigate the absence.

You basically have to put in a flexible working request. If they value you, there will be ways of meeting you part way. I’d try and do something like this (assuming it’s a 37.5 hour week)

8.45 -5 x3 with 45 minute lunch (7.5hx3)
8.45- 2.45 (30 min lunch) 5.5h
8.45-2.45 (30 min munch) 5.5h

That would take you to something like 33.5 hours and basically 0.9% which would be a slight pay cut but probably not massive once you’re looking at tax. You could then add in specific measures for how the team would manage without you on those afternoons.

This.

I stopped reading at a point because I was just reading excuses essentially.

I don't mean that nastily. It's your situation and that's how things are as you see them, but none of it, none, is actually your employers issue.

If the role you are in is not flexible in terms of working hours, or hybrid working, then none of the excuses you've laid out make any difference and frankly they will not want to listen to the litany of reasons why you cant make it work.

You need to step outside the situation a bit:

Stop listing excuses and start listing what could work for you - how you can make the situation workable with what is available.
If that is not childcare, then you need to be going to the meeting with a clear outline of working hours/hybrid working which will allow you the scope to cover childcare and still perform your role 100%.
Go with solutions, not excuses.

If they can't make any of your suggetions work, then you have your answer.

Believe me, it might fall apart for a bit without you. Still in no way makes you indespensible. They'll just suffer the shit for a bit until they figure it out. I've seen that in action more times than I could tell you.

The summary for this is that moving forward, for 2 days a week you need to work a shorter day so you will have to
a) cut your hours,
b) work a longer day in the office to compensate or
c) work flexibly to make up the hours in the evening on those two days.
d) put the kids into wrap around

Personally, I'd aim to request c) with the aim of executing d) put the children into wrap around childcare* appreciating this will take time to settle and stabilise.

Long term they may not need to be there every day. You could aim for 3 days a week between you as a target state so you both have the kids for one afternoon a week while you wfh or make up the hours.
Working long term with children around you puts you both at risk of redundancy.
It leaves you with children who are not capable of coping in holiday clubs making the school holidays an even bigger issue
It is quite probably putting your 9 year old in the invidious position of being a pseudo parent a lot of the time. If that's the case, that will really damage their long term relationship with their siblings.

*childcare - there are different options and you've had some good suggestions. If you have/can make space, I'd also consider something like this.
www.sunfloweraupairagency.com/au-pairs-and-mothers-helps/

I think they are being really inflexible. Why can't you WFH for two days a week in the afternoon?

I would be looking for another job, tbh if they can't support this.

The only solutions seem to be reducing your hours or applying for a different job. Not ideal but there's doesn't seem to be anything else that can be done unless your DH changes his hours.

Yet if the OP was half as indispensable as she thinks, they'd be delighted to continue.

It really doesn't make sense.

They don't care about the child care options. They want you to think about the options that allow for the work to be done without things falling to pieces if you aren't around.

Option 1) Full childcare so you can be in the office to oversee things all day. You think this is impossible at this point.

Option 2) Improve training & capability within the team so they are comfortable with you supervising remotely for a portion of the week. You need to think about what training is needed, which staff members are most capable of stepping up, how long it might take to build capability and how much it might cost.

Option 3) Restructure the team so you aren't the single point of failure? Particularly if you will be responsible for 12 people. This might mean that other people are promoted to your level of seniority or you get "overtaken" by someone else, but that is the trade off when you are juggling a lot of commitments outside work.

And don't go into this meeting being as negative about your colleagues as you have been here. Instead, frame it as "I could delegate XYZ to Brian which would mean there would be less risk that client deadlines are missed, I would feel most confident doing that if he has more training on ABC".

OK so you have exhausted childcare options.
Your husband can't do any more
It is all on you.
for 2 afternoons a week you can't be there from 2.30

The only option for you is to apply for shorter hours for those 2 days.

Are you expecting your company to pay you for hours you cannot work? I'm sure you are not and so you need to make it formal that you finish at 2.30 2x a week and the company pays you for the hours you actually work.
When your children are older you can go back to full time but it doesn't sound workable at the moment.

I think the difficulty is that you appear to be saying I cannot work 2 x afternoons a week and you are upset the company wants to talk about this after being flexible for 2 months (which is a reasonable amount of time to give you opportunity to work out what to do). It appears you want to just not work 2 afternoons a week and your company just pretend it isn't happening or talk to you about it.

I've said multiple times to them that I will have to step down, reduce my hours, leave etc and they've said no we don't want that, we need you here etc.

I think this is where your work might be being unreasonable. They can’t actually stop
you leaving if you want to! But they should also take on board and properly consider requests to change your hours etc

@FriskyHeeler if everything you say is true and that you are 100% completely, utterly irreplaceable, surely you’ll have nothing to worry about? If the entire business will fail the minute you left the company, then they will have to let you have whatever working hours you need, won’t they?

I’ll be honest and say that I think you are perhaps being a tad optimistic in your assessment of your position, but if you are correct you can essentially dictate your terms, so I don’t see why you are at all stressed. If they won’t be able to replace you, and any attempt to do so will spell the end of the business, then they won’t be able to do anything other than comply with anything you request.

As an aside, I would have serious concerns about working for a business where one manager in one department leaving will cause the entire business to collapse, however, as it utterly incompetent management to create that situation and to allow it to continue. What if you were, god forbid, to become seriously unwell or involved in an accident? What are they thinking, utterly mind boggling.

Ok if there is a high turnover of staff perhaps look to getting your hubbie employed by your company and you training him to your standard and you could tag team with each other going to the office going forward. The most logical option is the most costly where he gives up his job and becomes a stay at home father of course.

OP they are asking you to look at options because that is what they have to say before telling you it’s not working and sacking you.

It’s corporate speak for “fix this”.

This got clearer with your later posts!