To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

Bet she asked about you and you wittered on about your kids. She was obviously bored to death. 💀

Just to add I think not having kids is a completely valid choice and I'm talking about going clubbing and getting plastered at least 3 times a week. Not trying to suggest people should never go out once they've 'grown up'.

Completely agree with this comment.

47, still go to raves, have a very successful career oh and yes have raised a family. I cannot stand the narrative of the empty wasted life until children, thankfully I only see it on here and not in real life!

I've never really stopped enjoying going out! My drugs days were limited to my student life anyway so that's long gone but I still love a drink and a dance!

When the kids were small it was harder to manage late nights - due to early start next day... But DH and I would take turns to go out and get the lie in next day etc.

I'm in my 50s and I still enjoy going out. And now I get to do it with my grown up children too 😁

I must admit I'm also embracing the old person afternoon club trend - drinks, dancing and home by 9pm 😆

But for me - my friends, my social life, clubbing (even if it's in the afternoon!), going to gigs, weekends away with the "girls" drinking prosecco in the sun... All still an important part of my life!!

I was wild in my teens and twenties and it did take having children to calm me down. Having a mega hangover with small children relying on you is absolutely horrendous. I don't think the OP is saying that life has no meaning until you have children, but small people needing you to not be vomiting all day certainly puts a lot of obstacles in the way. Going out partying every weekend, drinking copious amounts and taking recreational drugs requires a huge amount of space for physical and mental recovery. Impossible with kids up at 6am needing food, entertainment and bums wiped. Doesnt mean life has no meaning or purpose before, its just means it can unbearable to do both.

I'm a tee totaller now but don't mind the odd night out for a laugh and a bit of a dance as long as I'm in bed by 1am, though even just a late night gives me a hangover these days.

I do feel that alcohol is a trap for a lot of people rather than the nights out themselves because in my pre kids days, if I wasn't going out ai would just get drunk by myself.

In or out, I honestly cannot believe that I escaped that phase of my life unscathed as I got myself into a lot of very risky situations. Now even a small amount of alcohol feels like it is absolutely draining my battery and that it is a poison, the benefits of which are massively outweighed by the negatives.

For people with addictive personalities (like myself) there often is an inner void which substances and the thrill of a night out (especially if you were going out in the early 2000s-2010 era) filled. For people like us, children not just presented a need for us to be present and sober at the weekends, but also represent a more stable period of our lives, eg finding a solid partner, making commitments through marriage and mortgages etc.

People without kids have these too, but I do get why the OP mentioned children, as it is a huge deterrent to going out and taking party drugs, but having them often happens at a time when internal shifts away from the nightlife scene are happening anyway.

The children thing isn’t a universal experience, I’m childfree by choice, however grew out of the going out thing in my mid 20s. My life has strong purpose, fulfilling friends and family, excellent career, and I’ve just really built my self up, mortgage free house. Loads of savings. Super happy. All that without kids though, I don’t recognise the lack of purpose about them.

OP how old were you when you had kids?

I don’t resonate with this situation. I had children in my 30s. At the age I had them I’d say big nights out were already a slightly different set up (friends with work/young children commitments) but still great. And I still love going out now.

your situation sounds more like an addiction/dependency situation. Are you dependent on your children? Are you working on improving that and building your self worth from within.

So are children.

I used to go out including after hour parties, day long raves and I was only 17/18 at the time. I didn’t drink and didn’t do drugs. Same in my twenties and again no drinking or drugs as I was relying on my driving licence for work.

After having kids the boredom drinking crept in.
Flew out to some big overseas festival and again didn’t drink or do drugs. Everyone has different triggers.

I can’t take alcohol very well now and it’s not worth the hangover and disturbed sleep.

I think your experience is common, young adults party until they grow out of it, then they replace it with a more purposeful - or just more enjoyable- alternative that suits their stage of life. That was my experience too - I stopped partying by late 20s and don’t miss it at all. I don’t think the party days were dark though, or a trap. In your case it sounds like they were which might be more unusual.

It’s just you, we go out, have fun, never touched drugs in my life and whilst I do drink alcohol it is moderate, 2-3 drinks though if we go into the city I sometimes opt to drive and drink tonic water. We love live music, love a dance and can be completely sober doing it!

I think what people are failing to relate to is the experience of living in a cycle of loneliness and despair/getting a release and temporary high from the alcohol and drugs. Then, thankfully, being able to find some freedom and healing in a different life stage. Not sure why people are so cross about it! Good for you - I'm glad you've been able to find some joy and love in your life.

You must realise that most people going out aren't doing illegal drugs and are still having a great time.

Saying that you don't want to do anything illegal now that you have children is very sensible because of the consequences, if you were caught or had a fatal impact from the drugs.

But to say that you will never go out late dancing as well is illogical. If you don't want to then fine, but its completely possible to have late night fun without drugs or excessive drinking

I completely relate to everything you've written. For me the change came before children (coming to faith) and was compounded by marriage/kids.

bit rude

like a hairdresser who i have never been back to when i was chatting about my young primary age children,
enough about the children what about you she said.

life takes a back seat at certain stages in your life

I have fond memories of going out clubbing on the weekends with friends in my late teens and in uni, I don’t relate to the ‘shame’ on Mondays. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Just a different phase of my life I’m glad I have the memories of.

God that’s so depressing and I’m sad for you.

I go out all the time. I’ve never done drugs but I love a chat over cocktails with friends, a dance, music, meeting new people and expanding my social circle.

I find people that only talk about kids/family to be the most tedious people on earth. Get a life! Some interests!

It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing.

Nights out don't have to be wild debauchery. Children don't have to be the centre of your life every waking minute.

I'm glad your life is good now but you do come across a bit sanctimonious.

I dont see how or why it is a trap, I just cant be bothered going out on a night now I was happy to do it then not so much now doesnt bother me either way, as people grow they change sometimes doesn't haven't to be a postivie or negative thing just different

Women like this are usually the ones starting threads complaining about their late teen/early 20’s daughter who’s in a relationship with a man in his 30’s, while admitting they were doing exactly the same thing and having an absolute blast

Agree. Im sorry you had that experience but it's not the case for everyone. I had a brilliant life pre kids, a different brilliant one now and as they're getting older its changing again as my freedom and time is somewhat increasing. I like a good night out but its occasional and usually not beyond 11!

alcohol is a depressant

I never did drugs and rarely drank much at all so loved going out. We went out recently to a retro bar and I had mocktails. Beware the whole my children are my world and nothing else, they leave home. My brothers both moved overseas and I moved almost 300 miles from my hometown. Just my sisters stayed local and it limited their career prospects.