To think the going out(nightlife drinking) is a trap

As that poster has (with incredible patience) pointed out, you need to watch how you word things if you don't want to confuse or even harm other people.

Your thread title as an example says "AIBU to think that going out....is a trap". Then when people disagree, you're getting all discombobulated and say "but MY truth, MY experience"! If you had said something more neutral and less of a sweeping statement, you would have had less push back.

Anyway, I am beginning to wonder how useful this thread is for you or anyone else now.

My ex best friend from childhood when her kids were young and with their dad (they were separated) would go out with me and take an ecstasy tablet and drink. Not very often just once in a while. I didn’t do drugs then. She was fine when the kids returned. Many would judge her but she only did this for a couple of years in her early 20s. Then she met a boyfriend which got serious and she calmed down.

But she’s an office worker and it’s kind of “acceptable” in society certain levels to get stupid drunk and do silly things.

What did that bit mean? What does being an ‘office worker’ have to do with it? And what ‘levels’ are you referring to?

This really sounds like a you problem. Seek help?

I am not saying that at all… just giving an example of a person who drinks to excess, has a problem but it’s acceptable in general society.

Na not me op! I’m at music festivals without my kids every summer - we send kids to stay with my parents

I go out clubbing and gigs still loads - I don’t think I drink as much as I’m more aware of being hungover etc so more in control for sure than when I was younger but I’m out all the time basically

but still same old me when it comes to going out when I can

You don't need to know me to consider how your words on a public forum can be incredibly damaging. Anyway I'm out, off to lead my nobody, floating aimlessly life with no purpose. I won't look at or respond to this thread again as it's too damaging to me.

It depends what and how much you think having a life or indeed a social life is a trap? If on a night out you are drinking to match your friends when really you could drink one drink of yours to every three of theirs then you need to be stronger willed. If I drank half as much of some of my friends I wouldn't last beyond an hour or two but they are probably used to drinking great quantities and can put it away all night long. But these friends also regularly drink at home - do they have a problem with alcohol? I would say yes especially when they are still nursing hangovers the next morning. I've had hangovers but can't be bothered with them now - you lose too much of day wallowing with a headache and nausea - so drinking isn't a big thing for me. But for many friends their social life revolves around the pub or going out clubbing - nothing wrong with that but you don't have to drink alcohol - plenty of alternatives out there and you find your own sense of enjoyment or high without the alcohol crutch.
I've smoked as a teenager but it didn't do much for me so that fell by the wayside - a school friend now has COPD and other related illnesses which pretty much started with a fag behind the bike sheds at school - she couldn't ever stop smoking.
I've never done drugs - never interested me and have never wanted to explore them - for all those people who say a bit of wacky baccy is harmless seems to invariably lead to the stronger stuff and eventually unable to go on a night out without an an artificial high to start them off.
If I seem intolerant of people caught in a 'trap' as the OP calls it - it needn't be a trap as you found something else that was a massive improvement that enriched your life - like children. I have/had family members with addiction to alcohol, anti-depressants and even now often smell people who reek of smoking drugs when going in to the shops. Life today is full of things which can be addictive and low lifes peddle these things - some people become addicted and it becomes a vicious circle if you become dependent whether it's alcohol or something else.
OP you were living life as it was back then just like many of us do and then found something so much better than a quick fix. Be happy with your life and family - you now have the expereince to say that you have been there, done that and can say - you know what - it's not all it's cracked up to be - so don't go there!

You can't for one minute see how it's hurtful? It's comments like the OPs that destroy me and yet people who say things like it just backtrack and say 'oh it wasn't about you'. There's not a week that goes by where I don't hear comments similar to this. It puts doubts in my head about my existence in society and how I'll continue to be perceived. It's hard enough to not be able to have children without dealing with people's comments and perceptions.

And people who are annoyed at the implication they’re floating nobodies without kids are allowed the voice their annoyance I guess

Can people not just have enjoyed both? I had a cracking time up til and after my son was born. Most of the things we did before we still do now. We just happen to have a kid in tow. Kids can go to festivals, now at 14 he can go to all the gigs we were doing before he was born, kids can travel worldwide, they can go to restaurants and sit nicely to eat. All these things can still be done, they just look slightly different.

Why when your children are born do you just become ‘mum’?

My son was born after 6 lots of IVF so it’s not as though it was an adhoc decision to have him, but was I just going to be ‘mum’? Absolutely not. Was I going to stop being me and going to gigs, travelling and resign my life to an endless cycle of schedules and Peppa Pig?! Hahaha no!

I loved my hedonistic youth and I love my slightly less hedonistic parenthood. I’m a whole person, not just ‘mum’.

But she’s saying she felt like a floating body with no purpose. She’s not saying she was one, or that you or people who do not have children are.

If you feel that you are a floating body with no purpose I’m sorry to hear that but she should be able to say that she felt that when it’s directly linked to the change in her habits which is what this post is all about.

Your comparison doesn't make sense. I am clearly not talking about people who choose not to have children or have them when they don't like being a parent. I am talking about people who can't have children and how your words were incredibly hurtful. A floating nobody. No purpose. I will never have children so I guess I'll always be that floating nobody and will have no purpose eh.

Anyway, all I ask is that you consider your words more carefully in the future.

No I don't but I'm pretty sure the vast majority would think it's highly inappropriate to be compared to a floating nobody with no purpose.

I don't think you necessarily need to seek out other activities. Many people (me included) did not have the option of leaving their kids to go out when they were very young. But creating the narrative that your whole world is being a mum and also that any other lifestyle is an empty husk of an existence is extremely problematic

Well you can’t have the drinks/drugs without the hangover and, yes, drugs (including alcohol), can be addictive so 🤷‍♀️

A lot of people can use /drink recreationally but it looks like in your case you dodged a bullet

Not a trap at all. You had free will then and you have it now. No-one is forced to live a partying life!

I had a similar experience to you. I don’t consider my children saved me and I didn’t feel trapped in my wild years. They were awesome but came to a natural end. It’s a pretty typical experience.

I still had some big drinking nights when my kids were small. It was a release and I had a very capable husband who took equally good care of them when I wasn’t there. I don’t regret a thing. I’m now in my 50s, children grown. Life is quieter and I love that too.

I haven’t ever felt trapped but technically if there is a ‘trap’ it’s probably more being in a relationship and having children as you are no longer responsible just for yourself. You can decide to stop partying and being wild but you can’t stop parenting.

But loving, nourishing and thinking the world of your children is not the same thing as making them your whole world or identity. The former is standard, I would say baseline parenting. Tying your identity to being a parent though can become a problem. As people have tried to point out, (and you aren't taking it well, which is a bit of a red flag tbh), you seem to have replaced one fixation with another one.

I think you are lashing out a bit as in this post, you appear to be not so subtly implying that people who do not think the way you do about your children are somehow subpar parents. It is not a new tactic or opinion and I am sure it is not having the impact you are hoping for. But whatever the impact, lashing out at people is often a sign of insecurity. It is not a hanging offence. I am sure you are doing a great job of parenting. But it is, gently, something which may be worth working on.

Anyway, I personally didn't find nightlife a trap, but just part of my youth which I can't repeat now I'm 40 with two little kids. Life changes and we change with it.

You don’t speak for everyone who can’t have children.

Well yes they are now but they are not going to stay those ages are they!