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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to leave a friend's flat because it was too messy?

88 replies

Browndoor25 · 08/04/2026 20:16

Ok so firstly he knows I’ve taken photos and that I’m making this thread. He doesn’t care.

I traveled across the country to stay with my friend for afew nights. I knew he was a messy bugger, but I overestimated my ability to cope with mess. We are good-ish friends but complete opposites when it comes to the house keeping and cleanliness department. He’s gone through a really hard time recently so I can’t be too hard on him. He said he spent days cleaning for me and that his flat is the cleanest it has even been, and he was genuinely offended that I wouldn’t stay. He is such a lovely guy, he offered me his bed and he would have taken the sofa but I just couldn’t. So I’ve booked a last minute hotel! He thinks I’m being a drama queen with my ridiculously high standards. Maybe I am, I don’t know. Am I? I feel quite guilty and this isn’t supposed to be a serious thread. We’ll probably have a laugh over it later in the hotel bar 🫣

AIBU to leave a friend's flat because it was too messy?
AIBU to leave a friend's flat because it was too messy?
AIBU to leave a friend's flat because it was too messy?
OP posts:
Paveparadiseputupaparkinglot · 08/04/2026 20:57

Looks like a crack den. No way would I stay there. Fag ends on the floor? You can tell it’s utterly filthy.

Mulledjuice · 08/04/2026 20:57

Browndoor25 · 08/04/2026 20:32

I knew I’d get flack for posting photos hence I checked with him first. It’s not a serious slagging thread. I did consider it but I honestly feel like it needs more than I could do. Just the layers of grime. Needs a proper deep clean but I struggle with things like this. My house always has to be pristinely clean- think obsessive compulsive cleaners.

Edited

It's not a serious slagging thread but in the same breath you're someone who could be on obsessive compulsive cleaners? Yeah - there's no way you dont mean this in a horrible sneery way.

(Also - you're a lightweight clean freak if you couldnt handle cleaning somewhere that looks like that) :/s

Hullabalooza · 08/04/2026 20:56

I can’t believe you’re getting flack for this given that you have his agreement to post. Perhaps you thought him seeing the responses would give him a boost to improve things and help him see that that is not a normal level of grime to live with.
I can’t believe people are saying you should flick a hoover on either, like you say you’ve driven to see him not to clean for him if you have a good relationship your honesty might really help and only you know how he is taking that.
I hope you still manage to have a nice time visiting and perhaps at some stage you can have a conversation about how things have got. If he doesn’t see an issue with the level of grime and it’s a dealbreaker for you at least you can reevaluate the time you choose to spend with him.

Sidebeforeself · 08/04/2026 20:56

Ive reported this thread. We only have your word that he’s given approval to share these photos and it looks like he’s struggling for money or perhaps his mental health is not so good, but I dont think thisis in the spirit of MN.

DoneAndNotDusted · 08/04/2026 20:56

YABU to post photos, that's really unfair especially if he's struggling. I agree about not wanting to stay there (I wouldn't either) but just help him with the hoovering if nothing else.

Seems like there could be more going on with him which you could help with if you wanted to, but no obligation especially if you live some distance away.

MyDeftDuck · 08/04/2026 20:56

I couldn’t and wouldn’t stay there………but if he were my friend I certainly wouldn’t criticise so publicly, he needs support not ridicule!

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2026 20:55

Nope, no way. I wouldn’t stay there. Has he been taking cleaning tips from the Munsters? https://www.tiktok.com/@its_teresa4/video/7324725116783316230

TikTok - Make Your Day

https://www.tiktok.com/@its_teresa4/video/7324725116783316230

ForestHare · 08/04/2026 20:54

I dont think I could stay in that either tbh. While you're there could you look up local cleaning companies for him to book for a once off deep clean now that hes done a load of tidying?

wayfairer · 08/04/2026 20:54

Has he never lived alone before? Or mental health issues?

Passingthrough123 · 08/04/2026 20:53

It doesn't matter if he knows you took the photos with the intention of starting this thread, a good friend wouldn't shame another friend publicly like this. Shitty thing to do, and a massive overreaction to book a hotel. He'd be better off finding new friends.

Nopenousername · 08/04/2026 20:51

My first thought was how inappropriate to post pics presumably without his knowledge, but then I scrolled down and saw even more pics. You are outrageous

Rosessmelllovely · 08/04/2026 20:50

No, that’s minging. I have a friend who lives like that and although I have a cup of tea when I go, I feel disgusting drinking it. No way would I stay in his house or your friend’s.

IglesiasPiggl · 08/04/2026 20:50

I would not have stayed there, but I am in my fifties and have owned my own home for quite some time. That looks like a cheap flat in need of updating and repair, and it looks like it smells. I don't think it was wrong of you to go and stay somewhere else.

skiprun · 08/04/2026 20:50

So in your own words, he’s had a really hard time of it recently. And instead of flicking the hoover on and helping him out, you decided to shame him by taking pics and putting them out there on the web, for all to see (where the daily fail will probs pick up and shame him further)

who needs enemies eh

Dontknowwhattobelieve2 · 08/04/2026 20:49

I wouldn’t stay there myself, I have seen a lot worse than this though.

Browndoor25 · 08/04/2026 20:47

Tulipsriver · 08/04/2026 20:40

You could have made an excuse to leave without offending him. Or you could have enquired about his mental health and offered to help him find support.

Either would have been better than taking photos of his home in order to shame him online.

Yeah, I’m a terrible human being posting untraceable photos on a completely Anonymous thread with the person’s consent 😂 he maintains I have been a good friend to him whilst he’s been having a hard time. We are just very different people

OP posts:
rainbowsandraspberrygin · 08/04/2026 20:45

Yeah I’d struggle to stay there OP. Were you due to sleep on the sofa?

think I’d need a few layers to sleep on over that. What about the bathroom and kitchen? I might be able to make do for a night but I wouldn’t be comfy.

Teado · 08/04/2026 20:44

You shouldn’t have to clean, I agree. I’m surprised at the suggestions that you should tbh.

No harm in trying to get to the bottom of why he lives in squalor though, and helping with longterm solutions. There are usually reasons why people live like this when they’re not students or crack addicts.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/04/2026 20:44

To me 'messy' means untidy. Those pictures show a level of dirt that would make me run screaming, and I am not houseproud.

Morepositivemum · 08/04/2026 20:42

Either help him clean or tell him to get a cleaver for a day and then he needs to start maintaining it

ThejoyofNC · 08/04/2026 20:41

YANBU that's filthy. I wouldn't leave a dog there never mind sleep there myself.

Tulipsriver · 08/04/2026 20:40

You could have made an excuse to leave without offending him. Or you could have enquired about his mental health and offered to help him find support.

Either would have been better than taking photos of his home in order to shame him online.

honeylulu · 08/04/2026 20:40

Is Henry just a prop?

I would not be impressed but I could live with it if the bathroom was passably clean. Is it?

sharkstale · 08/04/2026 20:39

No I wouldn't stay there. I feel dirty just looking at it.

Browndoor25 · 08/04/2026 20:39

OneNewEagle · 08/04/2026 20:32

How rude you are shaming him especially if he’s tidied up. Not at a level I’d like but I would have switched the hoover on and hoovered up for him, made him a cup of tea and then gone and cleaned the bathroom.

Sorry but I didn’t travel half way across the country to scrap his shit stains off the toilet… I was there to see him, not be a cleaner for him.

OP posts:
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