AIBU to worry my only child will feel lonely growing up?

Speaking as an only (and my DP is also an only) I think this very much depends on personality. Some of us enjoy having our own space and don't need siblings for entertainment. Other children will do. I was always busy with making things and pursuing my hobbies, and never felt lonely. I visited and played with other kids but was always glad to have my own space at home. Was even relieved I didn't have brothers and sisters to argue with who would break my stuff!

I'd say make sure your child has hobbies and interests at home, and also encourage plenty of contact with other kids. He'll be fine! Besides, there are lots of 'onlies' around these days, when I was a child I was a real anomaly!

Honestly you would have me mistaken reading some threads on here. People seem to think only children will grow up, marooned on a desert island completely devoid of any meaningful relationships.

I have a twin so a sibling from birth. Couldn't even tell you the last time I spoke to them. Sibling relationships aren't all they are cracked up to be.

I'm an only child and wasn't remotely sad about that growing up. Still not now either. The only time I have thought it might be nice to have a sibling was when my parents each passed away. But not really more than a fleeting thought. Only children often manage loneliness much better than people with siblings, because we learn early how to entertain ourselves.

Of course he won't be lonely!
Children go to school, and clubs, they play sports etc, and they make lots of friends.
Not to mention that many people (young and old) loathe their siblings.
Having another child does not prevent loneliness for either of them.
Just support your son and encourage him to be a friendly and sociable boy.

I'd be absolutely screwed if I was relying on my siblings to provide me with any sort of companionship or allievatie my loneliness.

There's so many threads like this at the moment and I don't understand them. Think of all the people you know. Do any of them just exist in bubbles with solely with their sibling with absolutely no one else in their life.

Lonlieness is a complex issue and there are many layers and types of loneliness. The main reason for being lonely is lack of connection to friends, community or a life partner of their own.

Further more even if you had a second, they are ONE person. They couldn't possibly meet all your existing child's social, emotional and physical needs for them to not be lonely. It's a massive burden to place on siblings that they are somewhat responsible for each others loneliness.

Your child will meet many people throughout their life.

I have an only child too — not by choice — so I understand the worries. But honestly, sibling relationships are unpredictable. Some siblings barely speak, some are inseparable, and many parents naturally end up closer to one child than another.

There are real positives to being an only child, and I focus on those when I need reassurance. Kids adapt to the family they have; it’s their normal. My DC is actually more social than I ever was with two sisters, simply because they’ve always had to make their own friends.

For the love of god those of us who are only children are not all socially incompetent cripples because we didn’t have siblings! Just because it’s not what you’re familiar with doesn’t make it wrong, give your head a wobble. Your son will be fine without siblings.

I have an only who is now 12. He has lots of friends both at school and in our village.
Very happy and well adjusted. Arranges meet ups with his friends in the village- it's school holidays here and he has just come back after playing in the village/Park all afternoon with friends.

He has all of our attention, we can facilitate hobbies/sports and we have had lots of lovely holidays/day trips over the years.

He definitely isn't lonely and has never expressed any desire for a sibling.

I am one of 3 and get on well with my older brother but can't stand my sister and don't speak to her now. She is nasty and has made things hard for me over the years. Siblings are no guarantee of built in friendship!

I think I get a bit of what you are feeling and why. I also had terrible PPD, had to move in with my parents so they could 'watch' me, as DH had to go to work to pay our mortgage. DD1 (now 9) was really unwell as a baby, rushed to hospital by ambulance multiple times, i remember sobbing and getting angry at professionals who took ages to figure out what was wring with her and kept sending us home just to be back a few days later. They did eventually, but i still grieve for that time with her when i should have been enjoying her early days, but I just couldn't. The thought of going through all that again was absolutely terrifying, and it's completly logical to feel like you are, it's a safety mechanism to protect yourself.

I feel like you might need to seek some support to process your feelings around that time. I did and it really helped me to let go of some of that pain and trauma, its still there, but its better than it was. My DH was an only child and was ok with just having one, he didn't feel like it did him any harm.

Make the absolute best of the life you have, rather than focusing on what you thought you would have/what others have. Give him loads of social opportunities, let him bring a friend on holiday, lots of sleepovers on summer weekends.

We did go onto have a 2nd, as I didn't want what had hapenned when DD1 was little to define our future, I wanted the decision to come from hope rather than fear. But for some families having 1 is a positive decision, right for their family.

You just have to know that whatever you decide is the right thing for your family, stuff expectations

@Daffodilsinbunches I remember as a child the resentment that my friends with siblings harboured at having to share everything with younger siblings and also at their mothers who performed a constant (and usually unsuccessful) juggling act to divide her love and attention between two children. Children do not naturally want to share their parents' time, love and resources with another kid. They really don't. And most parents have more children for their own benefit or because of social expectations, not for the good of their existing child. I think it's time this ridiculous Victorian view was finally outed for the nonesense it is.

I'm an only and I was never lonely during my childhood or later.

However there are some things I think came with my upbringing which you could watch out for, and help your child with as he grows.

I always had a lot of attention - this didn't make me spoilt or a brat, but meant I found it hard to assert myself / stick up for myself in later life, as I'd never had to vie for position with siblings! I ended up being quite passive and sometimes passive/aggressive as an adult. I'm working on this now but it doesn't come naturally to me.

The other thing was that I found it hard to think of myself as an independent person - I existed primarily as the focus of our family unit - and struggled a bit with being out in the world as a person in my own right, so I tended to over-identify with friends and be a people-pleaser so that I could find a place to fit there.

However I've recognised this as I've got older and worked on it. I am very happy and have a good relationship with my parents as I know they were doing their best. Don't worry OP - your only will be fine

I have one and he is not lonely or depressed. He has lots of friends, some of whom are 'only' children and they are like siblings who don't fight, so even better. I have a sibling and I am much closer to my best friends than I am to my sibling. So, agree with others, you are worrying unnecessarily.

My DBIL is an only - and he loves it! I think it makes you more independent, but most only children are good at making friends. Once he grows up and gets married, he will have his own family. My own DS has sisters, but as a DC, he always longed for a brother.

Lots of people these days have just one child! There’s pros and cons to being an only as there are with multiples. My niece is an only but I’m hoping she never feels lonely as she’s got my kids as cousins and when they are all older hopefully they will pull together for her. Does your child have cousins?

All of the adults I know have their primary social relationships with friends rather than siblings. A couple are fairly close to a sibling, but none live in close proximity to them or socialise with them on a regular basis. I’m decently good friends with one of my brothers, but I certainly wouldn’t be lonely or depressed without him!

As a parent you just nurture and encourage his social life and hobbies in the same way you would anyway even if he had a sibling. Most siblings even in childhood have different interests and are primarily interested in their peers, particularly if there’s an age gap.

I am an only child. I used to worry about being alone when my parents died as they were older. When I got married I was determined to have at least two children - my children are adults and they do get on although they are very different. So that's my perspective as an only child. It might be different if an only child had cousins of a similar age and they were close. My children have cousins but they are either much much younger or much older.

He’s already missed the boat of having a similar aged playmate growing up. Big age gaps are great if the big kid will be helpful though.

if you want a playmate for him but don’t want to do birth again you could consider fostering - they’d love your SEND experience.

He’s going to be much better off as an only child to happy, stable parents than he would be if his parents were struggling to cope with a second child that they don’t even want. Plenty of people only have one. He’ll be absolutely fine.

I have an only DD (7) by choice, she is a happy, outgoing and confident little girl. I do understand how you feel, it took me a long time to come to terms with it too. Now, though, I’m genuinely at peace and happy with my decision, because I’ve realised a few things:

1. There’s no guarantee siblings will be close or supportive. In fact, I know more people who don’t get along with their siblings than those who do.
2. I have no desire to go through pregnancy or raise another child. I really didn’t enjoy the toddler stage, and the thought of doing it again, while also parenting an older child, fills me with dread. You sound the exact same, and honestly if this was the only reason you had for not having another then that is good enough.
3. There’s a lot of societal pressure (especially in Western culture) to have two children. For a long time, I felt like something was wrong with me as well for not wanting more. I’ve recently realised that more people than you would think have a second child because it’s expected, they have this image of how life should be and then if reality doesn’t match up, they are miserable. So please don’t feel there is something no wrong with you, a lot of people only have the capacity for one.
4. We truly live our best lives as a family of three. Because we’re happy, calm, and content, we’re able to be the best parents we can be to our one. We can work flexibly, we have more money, we can travel freely, we can spend a huge amount of time together, and individually mum and DD/mum and dad etc…honestly it’s really nice.

Another thing just to add - when I was going through a bit of a wobble I spoke to two friends who were only children, I asked how they felt about it. One just said she didn’t know any different and she was quite content, she is now a fantastic adult. My other friend said she loved it - she remembers being incredibly close to her mum (still is) and has chosen to have an only child of her own.

Honestly, the fact you are worried about it shows how good a mum you are and I hope you come to peace with it soon because it is such a freeing feeling. Enjoy what you have and have a lovely life together he will be absolutely fine x

I was an only child and I loved it! I never once felt lonely.

I have 2 children of my own. Because I wanted two children, not so they could keep each other company. They definitely aren’t thrilled with each other’s existence. And while I think they will be grateful for each other one day as adults, it’s definitely not now!

I think you need to change your own mindset on this otherwise it'll rub off on your son. There's a pros and cons to all family set ups. Being an only child is increasingly common, and it's predicted to be the most common family set up in the near future. We're one and done, have been since the start, and I want my daughter to see it as positive so I focus on the positives. Siblings are no guarantee of support or friends. Your son could have 10 siblings and be lonely, because he'd never get any time with his parents!

Not this tripe again.

I wish people would stop pushing the narrative that only children are lonely/disadvantaged/somehow missing out in life.

I can sympathise with your feelings. I think anything where you’re the ‘odd one out’ is hard. Strangely, I’m one of only two people in my circle of friends who has two children, but I can imagine that if I’d stayed at one and everyone else had a second, I’d have felt very odd and out of sync.

I think there are a lot of benefits to having one child and it’s a lot more certain. Sibling relationships just can’t be predicted.

Your child is 7. That would be a big gap between children and that would bring it's own challenges.

As the parent of an only who is now grown up, I think you need to flip your thinking and start to think about the benefits. You child will grow up with all the attention on them. Funds won't have to be split between multiple children. You don't have the dilemma of juggling school events around a younger sibling's nap. You will never have to worry about booking 2 adults and 2 children into a hotel room and who gets the best bed. You will save a fortune on not having to buy presents for multiple class parties!

I have an only, although he’s currently still only 4 so not as far along as you are. We make sure to take him to a lot of places where he can socialise, and I’d say he has better social skills than most kids I know with siblings simply because he doesn’t have them to rely on. It does mean we have to do some things differently than we would if we had two kids to entertain each other, but that’s not really a hardship and he is thriving.

I have a sibling who made my childhood a misery (no abuse, just chronic lack of ability to get on) and will make my life harder when dealing with ageing parents and their estates. I don’t believe in the “lonely only” idea, but even if I did then I’d rather my son was lonely than shared his home with someone who made him miserable.