AIBU to worry my only child will feel lonely growing up?

Oh, and my DS had his first sporting injury playing chess. He accidentally flicked a chess piece at a friend as they were putting the chess board away ( they used to play during indoor break at school). His friend thought he’d done it on purpose, threw a piece back at him and it hit him on the bridge of his nose chipping the bone. He ended up with the most spectacular pair of black eyes.
He’s a rugby player and although he has had a number of knocks nothing as outstanding as his chess injury.

I think at this age there is a worry. But if he enjoys socialising in those settings he will go on to enjoy close friendships. Most of DS’s friends are either onlys or only boys. So have developed close male bonds outside of their families. They really are a band of brothers and look after each other. Maybe because non of them have brothers they have sub consciously gravitated to each other. Particularly through their teens.

I struggle to think of anyone that has close relationships with their cousins as they get older. I don't know anyone that would prioritise them over their close friends! I get on with mine but even I only see them every few years or so. My parents each had well over 50 cousins each and I've only ever met them at family funerals.

I understand the concerns you have but it's extremely catastrophising to think your child is going to have some sad, lonely awful life because they are an only child.

And if you're only planning on having one extra child. Is your expectation that this ONE person will have sole responsibility for your other child's happiness, be their entire support network and stop your child from being lonely. That's a crushing responsibility to put on someone.

I am sorry to say but you have quite a negative outlook to think an only child has a depressing life. Like they are a charity case or victim in need of help. Please get out of this mindset. I am an only child and had a wonderful childhood. What your child needs is affectionate and caring parents. He will, hopefully, make his own community with friends, cousins, colleagues etc.

Absolutely, I think whatever your family size you have to acknowledge all aspects of it. Even they though they are many people who love being an only child, there are many who still feel a lack of family and its important to acknowledge this and understand it may be true for your child even if the best thing for your family is to have one child.

I have no opinion on what is the best family size other than what people feel is the right number they can cope with. It's a constant source of heartbreak for my parents me and my siblings don't speak (and it was absolutely nothing to do with our childhood. We all had a happy childhood and individually have good relationships with my parents), so really I know absolutely nothing is guaranteed!

Mum to an only. He's now 21 and out with friends at least five nights a week. He made friends at school, university and through sport. My top tip would be help your DS find something recreational that he enjoys eg cubs, music, wildlife and get him into a group. It's so much easier to make friends when you have fun together and a second set of friends outside school can give balance. I have a brother and we get along but only see each other once or twice a year and he is zero help with our elderly parents.

I have a child with ASD and ADHD and relatively good support. But I know 100% I would not cope with another. I don’t feel guilt for it. In fact with how full on my child is, it would be totally unfair to add another baby.

Thanks! It always annoys me when people say that there is no downsides to having an only. There are. But as with everything in family life (breastfeeding, divorce etc etc) no one's life is perfect and you have to make the best choices for your family based on everything in the round.

I wish I'd been an only! I dread having to sort out my parents estate when they die with my sibling. DS (ASD) is an only and as a young adult is really glad that he is/was.

Many kids with ASD love or would love to be an only child.

Well it's too late now anyway. Too big an age gap.

No one can predict how your kids will grow up, all you can do is help every step of the way, be they only children or kids who have siblings.

I had an older sister, she bullied me all throughout my childhood, I never really liked her, and I still don't. We have no contact now and never will.

So it's swings and roundabouts whether having siblings is a blessing or not.

Oh love. I'm an only and my DS is an only. I have my DSD but they weren't brought up together.

I wanted a sibling for my DS but it didn't happen. But both he and I have never been lonely. We've always made friends easily. My DS has a very close friend group. I think a lot of it is down to having to seek people. Mine and DSs relationship is very close.

You have to think of the child you already have. I don't think you can put yourself or him through another pregnancy.

I think this is such a good post. Its understandable these are real concerns for some only children and their experience.

But as you say it's all about balance and everything is a gamble. I'm one of 3, we don't speak and none of them have children. It's impossible to know how anything will turn out for anyone. Some people love being only children, some hate it. Some love their siblings, some like me don't speak to them.

People tie themselves in knots over hypothetical situations however concerns on both sides are valid. The most important thing is a healthy and happy mother who is there for their child.

I have one and can relate to your worries, especially for a child with SEN as well. However my child does have cousins and I do have a support network. I'm sorry that you don't.
We will probably just worry until they have found their place in life as adults, but plenty of only children grow up and create their own little family units just like anyone else.

I was an only. And hated it. I had no other family near by. Because of that as I have gotten older I hate being on my own for any length of time. I have also made friends that have become my family. Funnily enough they are only children. My experience will not be the same as every only child.

DH and I both only children. Would both have preferred to have siblings. I don't think you question it growing up but as an adult siblings are a real connection with your past and blood is thicker than water.

I realise not everyone is super close to theirs but think more are then not and then there's family connections, cousins, aunts and uncles etc that then next generation misses out on. I have a difficult caring situation with my parents and it's all on me. Id love so much just to have one other person to talk to about it

HOWEVER... this is all, as everything is in life, a balance of needs and risks. It's far better you're healthy and happy as a mother than he has a sibling. It's far better you're able to be there for him then struggling with another baby. Also, with kindness, he's be at least 8 when you had another so too old for playmate etc.

So stop feeling guilty, if you're better off for your choice then in this situation so is he.

I do have two, but having more children is for us, not for the kids-some hate having a sibling. Siblings often argue and few of them seem particularly close-basing that on the fact most people I've ever known don't see their siblings anywhere near as often as their friends (mine would always choose to be with their mates!), at any age, and many of us live in different countries as soon as we're adults. The only children at my kids' school that come round seem very social and popular.
Having just one is very common now (more common than two in a lot of the UK), so old stereotypes have gone. When it was unusual for women to only have one, there might have been very good reasons a child was more withdrawn/depressed because it might have meant the mum was seriously ill or worse-the idea of choosing to just have one in the days before reliable contraception/surgery didn't tend to be a thing.

Mum of an only child here too.
I always planned to have more, but he was hyperactive, hardly slept till he was three and a half, and I just didn't fancy walking round like a zombie again, so we stopped at one.

He was the happiest child, could walk into an empty room and come out with a friend, he had no siblings or cousins to fall back on, so he made friends very easily and happily, and that carried on into adulthood.

Being an only child doesn't mean being a lonely child.

Loads of children are only children. I know lots who say they are perfectly happy being so. I have only one child myself, and she says she prefers it.

There are lots of benefits. More money spent on them, more adult attention, etc etc.

If you had another child there is no guarantee the siblings would be close, anyway.

And I am sure your son will benefit more from a mother with her mental health intact, than from a sibling he may not be close to anyway!

I have a sibling but we don’t get on. I actually think my childhood would have been better if I’d been an only.

My DS 21 is currently out with friends, he’s always out with friends and has been since he was able to take himself out with friends. Only children have to make friends because they are only.
Just because you have siblings doesn’t mean they will want to socialise with you. In fact the last people I wanted to be around were my younger sisters when we were teenagers.
Once we were older, had families and settled down we were much more sociable. In fact we love to spend time together but I think that only do just fine once adults. DS lives with two of his friends from home at uni. One of them is just like a brother. They fall out and argue like brothers. His friend has 3 sisters but loves having a surrogate brother. DS has spent so much time at their house their spare room is known as his room. The other friend is more recent but they are very similar so are like an old married couple.

The 'natural' way happened pre-contraception, when women had 10 or more children. On that basis, one could worry that two is not enough.