AIBU to worry my only child will feel lonely growing up?

That was actually part of my initial point about it being too late already anyway.

A lot of 18 year olds still live at home. And even so, how much company is an 18 year old going to be for a 10 year old anyway? Surely most 18 year olds want to be with their friends than ensuring they are made to stay at home to prevent their younger sibling from being lonely.

This comes down to this black and white thinking some people have that siblings and only siblings can somehow prevent a person being lonely.

I have no negative opinions on only children or big age gaps etc. Every scenario has upsides and downsides depending on how you view it or experience of it. But I never understand that people bring a child into this world to prevent their first one being "lonely".

Children are people in their own right and have a right to their own life. They shouldn't be brought into this world to fulfill the supposed needs of the eldest and that it's their duty and responsibility to prevent their sibling from being lonely.

Of course good sibling relationships are beneficial but they shouldn't be placed with this burden they are responsible for their siblings loneliness.

It is if your issue is worrying about loneliness!!!

You are going to have a 10 year old who is suddenly left without their older siblings company if they leave at 18.

I have an only child. I never ever ever wanted another, and selfishly even if I thought DD really wanted a sibling, I still could not have found that enough of a reason to do it.

I absolutely LOATHED being pregnant, and found the early years monotonous and unfulfilled. The plan was to be a SAHM until she started school, I made it to just over a year before I found a childminder and focused on growing the small business I started (good job i did, as my marriage failed only a couple of years later, and the time I spent building that business meant I was financially safe upon divorce).

She ADORES being an only child and regularly talks about how much she'd hate sharing her parents time, effort and finances with another person.

She has grown up around adults and now at 14 is very comfortable speaking to any adult in any situation, can hold an intelligent conversation on just about any subject with her own measured opinion.

I think honestly more people should consider having less children than more, and focus on making sure they have everything they need and (to a lesser extent) want as they grow up.

Me! I am very close to my cousin, would say she is one of my closest friends. I don’t talk to my sister but I talk to my cousin on a weekly basis and see her regularly!

I’m in pretty much the same situation, we have no support network and it’s so hard and relentless. DS has disabilities too so there’s no way we’d risk having another, plus it wouldn’t be fair.
He will have no cousins or wider family to look out for him and it does worry me but there’s not much we can do now. I wouldn’t say I regret having him but I wouldn’t do it again, knowing what I do now.
On good days, I hope he will find a friend in life, things might change with his ability to share space with others, who knows.

Only child issues aside, I never get all the fretting over age gaps on here and that past a certain age means siblings don't get on or will have nothing in common.

I have a twin and I couldn't tell you the last time we spoke and we aren't close at all. Absolutely zero in common. Yet I have friends who are very close to siblings who are 8-9 years apart.

An age gap this big (if you got pregnant very soon, your oldest would be 8 when the sibling was born) brings other challenges and doesn't mean a child won't feel lonely.

I have never really got on with my 3 years older brother and we have no contact apart from a Christmas card. I love my 9 years younger brother and we're very close. But I left home at 18, leaving him the only child at home and he was absolutely bereft.

We home ed so know a lot of families with varying amounts of AuDHD children - honestly, having just one is so much easier for both you and him.
There is no guarantee that a second child would have similar needs, and it becomes hugely harder to coregulate and support two children at different stages who also have requirements which are directly in conflict with what the other desperately needs - to say nothing of your own need for regulation and sensory profile etc.
By sticking at one you also have more money to devote to making sure your current child can have the most suitable 'habitat' and for any support such as paying for therapies etc - right up to possible future needs such as requiring single accommodation at uni rather a busy hall, etc.

There’s a 6 year gap between me and my sister, so we grew up in very different stages. We now live on different continents and speak a few times a week, but she’s more like a good friend than a sibling as we weren’t close growing up.

So having another child, especially with a large age gap, doesn’t guarantee that your DC won’t be lonely.

I think it’s more important that you plan for your own future and stay fit and independent in old age. This will make a big difference in your child’s middle age if they don’t have a sibling. DH is an only child. MIL expects a lot of our time and money! I’d be less resentful if she hadn’t retired very early, had made herself more self sufficient and was an easier person to be around.

Again this is important to acknowledge that this a genuine feeling and something I'm sure some parents do consider. But as said above, nothing is guaranteed. Me and my siblings will never meet up to share memories.

Again I am not saying this to dismiss your view or feelings. They are important. However if you've reached your capacity as a parent with one, I don't think it's reason enough to put yourself through having a second and making it a miserable experience all round just in the off chance they might share memories in 60 years time.

But I'm not dismissing how hard this is for you. Do you have a partner or even close friends? Me and my husband have spent a lot of time looking through photos and speaking through memories as I do with friends. I can appreciate it is not the same as speaking about it with someone who was there with you, but it is a chance to speak about those that have gone and keep their memory alive so to speak.

I think it can be helpful for only children if they have cousins they can keep in contact with in adulthood. It's a connection back to childhood. My cousins are very close as siblings, and because of this, they just don't 'need' me as their only child relation. They havs plenty of family of their own. So they leaves me as a bit of an outcast within my own family. It's quite hard to watch everyone else (including my parents) have the support of their siblings and cousins, people to share memories with etc, knowing that one day I will have absolutely nobody who remembers anything of my family or earlier years 😔

Of course some (not all) only children feel a lack of family connection and loneliness and it is important to acknowledge. And I am sure it is something a lot of parents consider. But there are many people like me who are "on the other side" who know sibling relationships don't provide this.

Now I am not saying this to dismiss only child concerns or say it changes anything for them. For many people they may want a second child to ensure family connections and that is completely fine. Some people only have one as they know sibling relationships aren't guaranteed and want to be the best parents they can and know they wouldn't have the capacity for a second. This also fine and both points of view are valid.

But some people on here have a rather black and white view of loneliness. Yes not having family connections can cause loneliness for some but it is not the the only form of loneliness and there are many other types of loneliness that can equally as debilitating. People can have lonlieness from:

Not having a romantic partner (again not everyone!)
Not having friends
Not knowing anyone in their local community
Being estranged from family.
Certain situations can also cause lonlieness like become a new parent, divorce, moving to a new area, bereavement just to name a few.

Yes of course take concerns into consideration when planning a family but equally its important to not get caught up in the future as it's so unpredictable and messy. The best thing for children is to have present and supportive parents who can give them the grounding and basis for life.

It's also as I've mentioned above, a sibling is one extra person. It's incredibly naive to think this ONE person could possibly shield your child from a lifetime of loneliness and provide your existing child with everything they needs in life to prevent them from being lonely.

Furthermore children and siblings are individuals in their own right. They aren't extensions of each other. They shouldn't be brought into this life with the expectation and burden that they are responsible for the wellbeing and feelings of each other.

I am an only child who hated it so much I put myself through a lot to provide my eldest daughter a sibling. By then the age gap was 4 years.

Now we see that DD1 is autistic (undiagnosed) . She never asked for a sibling and would have had a much happier childhood without her. There is a bond but they are not close. They have nothing in common. Opposite personalities and very different abilities. DD2 has learning disabilities not sure if she is NT or not.

But I would never regret having DD2. It was the right decision for me.

Also as an only child I am dealing with care for my own mother . Hard because I’m doing it alone but on the other hand there is no arguing with a sibling that doesn’t step up to help. I know it’s all on me.

Potentially my DD1 will be dealing with either me or her father in old age (whoever survives the longest) plus care responsibilities for her disabled sister. Meaning she is in a worse position than me.

No one knows what the future holds or where paths we didn't take might have led. You just have to make a decision based on the info you have now.

You said your son has AuDHD and is easily overwhelmed - how do you think he'd cope with a new baby, and a younger sibling? 7/8 years is a big gap. It would likely just be intense and overwhelming for him if you had another anyway, and there's no guarantee they'd be close as adults.

I have 4 siblings and I'm not particularly close to any of them as adults, and don't live near any of them. Not due to a traumatic childhood or falling out - we are just not very alike, and we have fairly big age gaps.

I'm not lonely at all - I'm very happy.

I also have an only child, still a baby at the moment, but I'm happy in my decision for him to be an only. I can give him all of my attention and I know that I can cope, whereas two would be a struggle for me. It's the right thing for us.

It sounds like one is the right decision for you - and that's OK. He might be lonely or not lonely with or without a sibling - it's more important that he has parents who can cope and support him and are not overwhelmed.

My brothers both live in America. One had a business trip every year to the UK for close to 20 years so I did see him every year. My sisters live on the South coast and I live up North. Because of jobs, kids etc I rarely see them. Unless you all remain in the same place and I suppose some families do then you splinter and move about for opportunities. My DH has one sister and she lives overseas as well.

There are also many people with siblings who are lonely who were lonely growing up and still lonely now.

Lonlieness is something that can impact everyone.

Lack of family connections, especially as you get older is a real downside of being an only child I feel. No siblings with a shared family history, no aunties and uncles or possible cousins for your own children.

I know someone will be along to tell me that isn't guaranteed even if you have siblings (which of course is true) but that doesn't change the situation for an only child.

Like another poster has said, it can be frustrating when people say there are no downsides to being an only child, or when they dismiss an only child's feelings (especially if that person has siblings).

He will be fine I promise
I know people with 1
child, one lady with 5 and every combination inbetween
I’ve got 3 and someone said to me at a toddler geoup
you need a 4th really as there will always be one left out which is absolutely not the case here!!!! My 3 are great together and never leave each other out

all family dynamics are different, you need to do what is good for you.

I'm an only child. I am male.
So I can play monopoly on my own, and any board game to be honest. I was inventive and active and had lots of friends. I made up games.

Now I can spend days on my own but have a wide social circle. Because I spent a lot of time one to one with adults I communicated well from an early age.

If you have another now there is no way they will be that close as children...as a ten year old did you want to play with a two year old?

My only weakness from being an only is I cannot share food....I don't want people to think i am taking more than my fair share so my wife and I count out biscuits, sweets etc.

Your son has your undivided attention, the advantages of always being first. Would he cope with being knocked off the number one spot. My wife's sister is 12 years older and is coming up to 70 and it's clouded her entire life...she continually tries to one up my wife and it's pathetic to watch

Not necessarily, my oldest is 9, 2 mums of children in her class are pregnant, gap will be 10 years+. My youngest is 7 and 3 mums of children in her class are pregnant, with a 7-8 year age gap. Due to finances people are having bigger gaps, we don't know anyone with less than a 3 year gap

I was an only child and I was not really set upon a certain number of children that I wanted, until my son was born, for the first four months , if he was awake, he was screaming. And then he didn’t sleep well until he was 3 years old. He would wake up as much as 8 times a night. We both worked and it was the worst time ever. We decided no more children. But didn’t want him to grow up lonely so we ensured that my son had lots of play dates and from the age of 9, we took his best friend on holiday with us.
I overheard him once talking to his then girlfriend who had 2 siblings about being an only child. She said she felt sorry for him. He said there was no need and that he’d had a great childhood. That we ( his parents) had ensured he had lots of company but that he was also very happy in his own company and was never ever bored. And he’s also had opportunities that she hadn’t had .

I’m the middle of three generations of only children (DM, me and DD11). All three of us are/were (sadly DM has now passed away) sociable and happy. I think it has given me the confidence to deal with different situations, and I would say the same for DD. I think all three of us have been very independent throughout our lives, and have been able to engage in more grown-up conversations from a young age, most likely because that was what we were (are in DD’s case) exposed to at home.

I have friends who are close to their siblings, and friends who have almost no contact with their siblings. Some grew up as a very close-knit sibling group, others argued and cried, and couldn’t wait to be away from the their siblings.

Please don’t feel guilty about this, and take time to look after yourself and your lovely family.

Only child here, wasn’t lonely at all.

There are many only children that are lonely too as well as many that are not. That can't be denied. I know a few now as adults too, they still feel the loneliness.

However, it shouldn't be a sole reason to decide to have another child. Siblings don't always guarantee not feeling the loneliness either.